Eine Kleine Knollenfäulemusik (Trigger warning; rape)

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

So. I had a charming flashback yesterday.

So my boyfriend was fucking me with a vibrator and it was a little too big, hurt, and so we stopped. Well I start shaking and I'm not really sure what happened between there and the flashback (can you remember slipping into a dream? I can't.) but yeah, suddenly I'm about three feet tall and doing my best to cover my genitals from... someone. Not really sure who. I try to inch away, but no, I can't, there's a wall. I don't know what's going on, just that I'm fucking terrified and I don't want... someone... to touch me. So meanwhile, in reality, my boyfriend was trying to figure out what was wrong, because I wasn't talking, just sort of crying and squeaking and covering myself. He figured I was dysphoric, so he elected to try and put underwear on me. Well, that didn't work really. So I'm afraid of being touched by this person, and suddenly I feel them starting to open up my legs. And there's nothing but fear. So he tried to put on underwear, which requires opening my legs. You can make the connection, I'm sure. When I resisted he figured out that was NOT what I wanted, and so covered me with something. He was pretty worried so he tried to touch me (comfort mechanism, usually works). Well 'someone' is touching me and I try to escape and wriggle away but there's nowhere to go. He stopped touching me sometime, and about that time is when I start coming back to reality.

I remembered getting fucked, though. Not let go, not comforted. That was my memory. Someone who did not fit inside of me forcing open my legs, touching me all over, and fucking me. And it hurt. And I was afraid. And I cried. And I remembered that; not the emotions, but the event. That is new. And while I am glad I remember something, I really wish I hadn't.

I felt like I should write this down.

Comments

elph's picture

Flashback... or Dream?

Not that dreams can truly be amenable to valid interpretation... but, assuming they can be interpreted with real-life significance, what'd be your "take" on this one?

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

...

Definitely a flashback, considering I'm extremely aware of my having been raped. My take is that my therapist, who figures it was a flashback, was probably correct on that measure.

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

Bosemaster42's picture

Wow!

Sounded more like a flash-back to me. As painful as it must have been, your brain is trying to reveal the identity of your attacker, or at least that's my take on this. My deepest sympathies to you.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I agree

That's much what my therapist believes. Thanks for your sympathies, definitely.

* * *

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM