I'd rather die than be a gay

jj_13's picture

Hello, I'm 13 years old turning 14. I think I'm a gay, I'm 60% sure of it, I already watched gay porn, but I honestly think that was very immoral, but I can't stop it, every time i do that it feels like a demon is possessing me (probably the gay demon). I think I'm a gay, but i don't want to be gay, i'd rather die. I live my life imagining founding a family, 5 children and a beautiful wife. I had this one girl on my mind, she's very beautiful (she's a campus chick), very smart, very talented, and she possess a pure heart. I want her, I don't really imagined her naked, but i did imagined her kissing me. Every time she touch me, I turn red (a tomato, really). I pray to god that I want to be straight, I cursed all the gay people i encountered when i was a child, I believe being gay is communicable( and I'm afraid i passed it on my younger brother), no one should have done that, my father is straight ( I'm sure of it 100%). Please, I don't want to be a gay, i want to be straight. I know the fact that I need to be myself, but i don't feel my gay self until I see naked guys, I'm turned on, really. But i want the girl, not just a friend. I want to make her special. I am not the showy type, yes i move clumsy (I think my friend suspect on me), but I honestly want to be straight. I'm dying. Gay. I would cry if that's happen. Its like 10000x the heartbreak my previous crushes given to me. Depression. I'd rather die than be a gay .

jj_13's picture

Please no offense to any gay

Please no offense to any gay here. No offense, I don't mean to.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Meh.

Fuck the girl, fuck some guys, don't bother freaking out about sex. It makes no difference what you put your cock in, if you're so fucking worried about it don't put a cock in some boys.

Odds are, you're a troll, which is adorable; if you're not, you're hilariously misinformed, and that's sad. Either way, you need help.

EDITED FOR NICENESS
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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jj_13's picture

Nice enough

I'm not a troll, I'm saying the truth. I'm not adorable.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Glad you found Oasis, although you certainly have a lot going on...

Let's work through some of these beliefs first, rather than talk about your situation directly.

First, sexuality exists on a spectrum. On the Kinsey Scale, they consider sexuality to get a number between 0 and 6. On one side would be exclusively heterosexual, and the other would be exclusively homosexual. So, you don't have to be a 0 or a 6. There is a range.

Second, no one chooses to be gay. So, whether you want to be gay or straight or anything else... doesn't matter. This isn't a football game, there's no need to root for either side here. Your sexuality exists, so you're in the process of discovering it. But how you don't want to be gay, and want a wife and 5 kids (one hopes you're going to be rich supporting that many people!), none of that matters. You're 13, you're not engaged to be married, so slow down...

Third, being gay isn't a disease. You can't catch it. You can't pass it on. There are a lot of theories about this, but ultimately it doesn't matter what they are. Homosexuality exists in nature in lots of species, and humans are one of those species.

Fourth, you need to rethink what things mean. Gay doesn't mean depression, pain, and loneliness... and straight doesn't mean love, fulfillment and happiness. There are gay people living loving, amazing lives with kids, houses, white picket fences, whatever you might want in a relationship. There are also straight people who are alone, depressed, and trying to make sense of the world.

Don't be the cause of your own pain. If you think you are gay, and find that to be horrible, depressing, awful, and all of those thoughts... recognize that they are just that, your thoughts. Someone put into your head that being gay was all of these things. It could be your parents, where you grew up, your peers, religion, there are a lot of options. But they are just thoughts, and they can only cause you pain as long as you give them the power to be true.

What do you think about gay people in general? Are you supportive of them as long as you're not one of them?

If gay porn and the thought of naked boys excites you, and you're on a website for LGBT youth talking about this stuff, then obviously there is something going on, and something worth exploring until you have the answers you need.

So, hang out here, write some journals, talk to other users, and see what answers you find. You're not the first person to question these things, you won't be the last, but you can certainly find a path that gives you more peace, acceptance, and love for yourself and who you are, whoever that may be.

Welcome... we're glad you found us.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Sigh...

Showing me up by being nice. You should totally run this site or something.

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jj_13's picture

Okay

Yes I'm young, I understand, maybe I'm pushing myself into this. The thing is the guilt is killing me softly. I really believe Conscience is My guide, and when I think I'm gay, I really want to punch my face. There is no someone who put it into my head that being gay was all of these things. I, myself propose those things, because I believe that was immoral. Note: I BELIEVE.

My life throw this lemon to me, and i know I must make lemonades. But what if I am no Lemonade maker?

jeff's picture

Technically...

Once you have lemons, it's all downhill from there. You only need water and sugar. The lemons are the difficult part. It's easy once you have those. So, if life already provided the lemons, it is trying to give you the best chance possible to achieve your goals! ;-)

In your case, life may have given you lemons and you're desperate to make applesauce.

But why be guilty, if religion or something else isn't a factor? Without some external force, you are just guilty for trying to make yourself experience love and an emotional connection to someone... just because they are also a boy? That doesn't seem logical, does it? You deserve those things, no matter if you get it from a girl or a boy.

Choosing a path that doesn't allow you to be happy, loved, fulfilled, and accepted is the immoral path.

I'd say punch your conscience in the face, for making you feel like the potential for love is wrong.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles