Boy, I'm never sure what does it. Today was just the most depressing day. It didn't have to be, I was just unhappy the whole time.
I was so fucking pathetic I went to 7 11 and bought a large bag of gummi worms and, FUCK, ate them all. I, like, never do that.
It sucks, because my usual method to deal with stress is actually much better: drinking. I drink for much of the same reasons I ride my bike and walk and, all too often, just pace my room: it helps me focus.
When I'm just sitting around and I try to sit and think for a second, far too often my thoughts are confused and muddled, because they're going too fast and I can't concentrate, unless I truly have time to sit for a long time and meditate in a peaceful setting.
But barring that, in the haste of the consumerist Western life I live, the way to concentrate is to use up a portion of my brainpower riding my bike or walking or pacing, and then I can focus on one thing because the more chaotic elements of my brain are taken up trying to keep me moving.
It's beautiful actually, most of my best philosophizing and, all too often, angry stewing and hypothetical angry speeches, have come when I'm on my bike.
Drinking accomplishes much the same goal, except that it's more versatile in that I don't have to move. This makes it easier to bond with friends over a drink. As well, while I get the runner's high from riding my bike and love that, drinking infuses everything with a sense of hilarity.
I just got some new music from Tchaikovsky on disc, including
I haven't yet had an opportunity to turn the lights off and the stereo up to full blast and conduct it while drunk. Doing so for Beethoven's Ninth is perhaps one of the most delicious experiences I can call up quickly and on demand. (Unless you consider mountain climbing)
But gummi worms are just fucking pathetic. Probably worse for me. And they don't bring any sort of meditation or anything of actual value, just the horrible, tasty taste of a filthy whore, then it's gone, and I'm disgusted with myself the way I never am when I do ANYTHING mentioned above.
And not just mentally, physically.
My stomach aches so bad, which never happens when I drink (unless I forget to drink tons of water before retiring to bed).
Yes, unlike drinking, gummi worms actually are pretty fucked up and have truly no redeeming virtue. Fuck me, I'm so gross.
In other news, I continue to talk to Daniel the Costa Rican. He's awesome.
To be honest, it was shocking. There's lots of people I don't mind hanging out with, but only a few I really, truly like. He's most definitely one of those. And completely separately from the fact he's gay. And hot.
Haha, if that isn't horrible.
However, since high school is almost over, I'm considering going for something. A gay guy who has been hinting to me for weeks now he might be interested, but I've not been super interested because he's kind of a cock.
But, now that I face the prospect of not having to deal with him for much longer, that might be an interesting line to pursue. He's kinda hot.
Additionally, I have a random girl I don't even know who hit me up on Facebook, asking if I wanted to go to prom. Now, spoiler, I don't really, but honestly I also can't because I'm going to my brother's graduation which is the same weekend.
So then she asked me if I want to hang out. Second spoiler, not really, I'm very busy, and I don't know her, and I'm done with this school in a month or so.
But she seemed nice, so I said I could hang out with her for a few hours on Thursday.
I'm not sure what she wants, but please, to God, let it be friendship. If I fling it with this other guy, hey, it'll be easy to deflect her without being mean, just casually mention my boyfriend, rather than, I don't really know you and don't have any particular desire to at this point in time.
Meanwhile, I'm doing something I'd never saw myself doing. I applied to this interesting school:
Which I don't have the energy to explain beyond to say it's basically a tiny university-college. Very selective, very cool.
I applied there back in November, got rejected the next month. But one of the other rejectees, from Nigeria, befriended me on Facebook.
I was initially suspicious of him, as just several days into our friendship he asked if I could pay for his SAT so he could apply to this college in America he needed to apply to in the next week.
I told him that unless I was mistaken, the way the SAT works in Nigeria as in America, they only give the test in certain months, you have to register like a month in advance, and they don't give out the results for over a month.
And, of course, I'd be the last person to make a big issue out of this, but he's also from Nigeria, which has a bit of a reputation for piracy and fraud.
He accepted my explanation immediately and seemed genuinely not to know much about the SAT.
So we kept talking over the next few months. Now, he did get accepted to Northern State University in South Dakota, he sent me his acceptance letter, it seemed legitimate, but then again, very easy to fake.
But, seeing as how this didn't seem like a very lucrative scam, I'm not super suspicious. I know he applied to Deep Springs, and I know he's talked to me for months, so far with me giving him no money. You'd think he could get some robot or program to send out emails about Nigerian princesses or something if he was really committed to getting big bucks.
So now he got accepted he has a variety of fees, like the $2500 deposit on his student visa and the $100 passport.
Now, I can't do $2500, I simply don't make that much money. So I might try to refer him to some scholarship entities if I can.
But I will pay his $100 passport, probably tomorrow. I hope this works out for him.
And, some ambiguous, unconfirmed good news: after a year of mild worrying about constant, every day gut pain, sometimes pretty bad, I might know what it is now.
I went in to the doctors, and based on what I said all they could really come up with was gluten or lactose intolerance. They took a blood draw for gluten, I'm probably getting tested for lactose on Saturday, and I'll know whenever they feel like it.
But since the appointment on Friday, I've done my best to avoid lactose, just out of curiosity. Though it's only been 3 days, they've been 3 essentially pain-free days, which are certainly possible, but very unlikely if the experience of the past year is anything to go by.
I could believe lactose. I certainly get a SHIT ton of the stuff on a regular basis, usually cereal and glasses of milk every day, and I love yogurt and cheese, cakes, etc.
And the only times I can remember in the past year having had more than a few hours reliably pain-free, I've been on vacation. I thought it was just stress, but maybe not... These are vacations on which, I realize, my diet changed radically, including... (wait for it) not eating or drinking hardly any dairy products.
So, I'm not concluding anything from 3 days of my shitty experimentation, but it'd certainly at least be nice to know. Of course, just in these past days not only have I noticed how pain-free my gut is, and how weird that is, but also how hard it is to avoid dairy.
Sometimes I'm thirsty, and not for water. I want something fuller. I want milk.
Sometimes I want a quick snack in the morning, not enough time for a full breakfast. I want yogurt.
Sometimes I want a delicious snack to read the newspaper to, morning, day or night. I want cereal.
Right now, sitting in the fridge, are some medallions of goat cheese. Delicious goat cheese.
And there's some lemon loaf sitting on the breadbox. Yet it contains dairy too.
It certainly wouldn't be the end of the world if I were indeed lactose intolerant, it'd be pretty much the same as this past year, except I'd know when the inevitable suffering comes after eating my favorite foods, I'd know where the suffering comes from.
But there's a reason I didn't suspect it in all the year of wondering. First of all, white people were the first people in the world to look at the udders of a cow and wonder what it would be like to suckle one.
We invented drinking other creatures' milk, and thus we invented lactase(the enzyme that breaks down lactose) persistence past childhood.
The gene is dominant, and no one else in my extended family, that I know of, is afflicted. It's certainly possible, Mendel would say, for the gene to hide and only show up in me, but still.
I'm not sure what I'd do with the information. I'll try to keep it out of my head until tomorrow.