You love a stone, because it's cool and it's smooth

swimmerguy's picture

Well, I don't think I mentioned this here, but my orchestra went to Costa Rica for a week over Spring Break.
I could give you some bullshit travelogue, but I know it wouldn't mean much to you if you weren't there. I'll stick to the important bits.

First, the country itself. It's a beautiful country. It was the first in the world to have no army for itself, established in 1949, and looking at the people, you can imagine why. I can't imagine those people in the military. They're too nice.
The countryside is beautiful as well. Living in Washington, we're used to having a real winter, where it really rains for days on end and sometimes snows. And when it rains, there's something good to it: the rain is cool enough to cool you down when exercising so you can heat yourself up with body heat in vigorous exercise, which is one of the best feelings in the world.
Then you can dry off at home. The problem is that you either need to be exercising or bundled up in a rain jacket to stay warm and comfortable in the rain. If you get wet and aren't in vigorous exercise you can easily get cold.
The rain is much more whimsical in Costa Rica. First, the weather is so nice, all the time. I've never known such sunshine for so long, we simply don't know such things in Washington.
And most of the days have some clouds to them, and some of those clouds have showers coming out of them. Rain is sporadic, hard, and brief, and usually limited to a small geographic area. And when you get wet the rain is warm, and when the rain stops you're completely dry in an hour. Rain can be easily ignored in Costa Rica.

The jungle was awesome too.

Second, almost everyone on the entire trip got sick, more than a hundred of us. Diarrhea, cramps, nausea and throwing up, exhaustion, pain, etc.
We don't know if everyone had the same thing or not, or where it came from.
But some people have gotten tested since getting back to the States and supposedly it's Giardia. And I have very much the same symptoms as the people who got tested (nausea and throwing up, and especially horrific, horrific diarrhea and pain, which slowly resolved for a while but has since gotten worse again. Most people have felt this) and as how Wikipedia would tell me Giardia is.
So I'm going to get tested now. And I have to say, as a mountaineer and a hiker who has long known what Giardia is and how it must be avoided by drinking clean water (I just bought a new water filter), it's a psychological surprise to me to actually think I probably have this little nasty ruminating inside me somewhere, when I've long resolved to avoid it, though I got it in a way I didn't expect.

Third, and worst of all. In Costa Rica, the orchestra played a bunch of performances. But since we didn't have a lot of winds, we drafted them from among the locals.
Basically, when hanging around with the Costa Ricans, several of my more, eh, sexually overzealous friends-who-are-girls started hanging around this guy named Daniel and totally flirting on him. He's 21, but looks like 17 or 18, honestly.
So really, he's awesome, and totally hot, but I didn't talk to him too much for several reasons, even when he was right in front of me. Most of the time we met I was sick and tired anyway (I'm still exhausted, actually), and even when I wasn't, I have an aversion to hot guys for many reasons, because I'm afraid of weirding them out, which would push them away. If I just shut down, at least I get to still look at them.
So that's what I did here. While he and these girls flirted, I just sat across the table and was content to stare.

Anyway, so after they've sent him nudes and everything and we're on our way back to the States, I hear people talking and apparently people heard from the other Costa Ricans Daniel's gay.
So now I've been messaging him on Facebook, apparently he thought I was hot and wished he could have kissed me.

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

I mean, it's heartening to know that somewhere there is some awesome, hot gay guy who doesn't find me loathsome to behold, but why must he live in Costa Rica?
So many fucking times, again and again, I think some guy's gay, start flirting, and every step I take forward they take back. Whether they're timid or not gay, I just can't know.
Which is the problem, I can't assume anything.
So the fucking time I don't turns out to be the time I should have.

FUCK

GODDAMNIT

Yes, yes, being alone, I'm okay with that. I know it's my lot to have to sit awkwardly when friends talk about the girls they'd wreck, or who they're trying to make a move on, or when they actually have relationships.
I get that. I have a lot of good friends.
And I don't even know if a relationship would be the thing for me, basically a good friend who I can also fuck if need be. I have a lot of friends, some of them really cute, that honestly I get a bit hangy-on to because they're so cute and it's torture having to look at them all the time without being able to touch.
So what if there was some hot guy that didn't apply to? Maybe it wouldn't be that great.
But maybe it would be fucking awesome. I don't know. I've just sorta missed out on that part of things, not because I want to but because it's just what's sorta happened.

Comments

jeff's picture

Err...

Some conflicted reasoning in here:

"I'm afraid of weirding them out, which would push them away."

This makes sense with your friends in Washington, who you go to school with... but what would be the downside of pushing away a guy who lives in Costa Rica that you met on vacation?!

"it's heartening to know that somewhere there is some awesome, hot gay guy who doesn't find me loathsome to behold..."

As someone who has met you in person (I've forgotten if we ever mentioned that on here? It's been a while now, so whatever, heh...), even though I didn't hit on or sleep with you (for obvious reasons) and wasn't trying to, I still feel qualified to say there is absolutely nothing I saw that was loathsome to behold. I think someone would be lucky to behold you, despite that sentence sounding odd. You're smart, inquisitive, insightful, attractive, and lots of other things. So, stop selling yourself short.

"And I don't even know if a relationship would be the thing for me, basically a good friend who I can also fuck if need be."

The key bit there is you don't know, so any conclusions that come after not knowing are sort of irrelevant. I think there's more romance, passion, and emotions involved than someone you can put your penis into, though. Although, yes, you can do that, as well.

"So what if there was some hot guy that didn't apply to? Maybe it wouldn't be that great."

Are you really entertaining a path of how it might not be all that awesome to share intimacy, joy, passion, warmth, companionship, life, love, etc., etc., with someone? Even you can't be that cynical.

"But maybe it would be fucking awesome. I don't know."

True, you do add that out clause, but still... seems a bit defeatist.

"I've just sorta missed out on that part of things, not because I want to but because it's just what's sorta happened."

Far be it from me to try and dissuade melodrama on a site for teens, but the vast majority of your life hasn't happened yet. That doesn't mean the present doesn't suck and hasn't seemingly gone on for too long.

But, it is all temporary. There are guys out there who will want to explore every inch of your body, as they simultaneously learn the expanse of your heart and passions. You haven't found them yet. You also have no proof they don't exist.

Sort out how you can ensure the people who might fit this bill know you're gay and available. You don't want to go to your 10th high school reunion to find out one of your hot friends is boasting about "wrecking" your female classmates' pussies was all some boastful nonsense because he wasn't ready to come out yet.

You can wistfully look back at the last year and missed opportunities and such, but you can't change that now. But summer is coming, and you can sprt out how to advance your cause on these fronts while school is out.

What's the plan?

I will say again that I've seen no evidence that speaks to any reason someone wouldn't be interested in you, not looks, not intelligence, not compassion, not heart... look at it this way, your only recent encounter with a gay boy is he wished he could have spent his time kissing you?

Doesn't that disprove all of your defeatist supposition? A boy who saw you, met you, and wants you. Seems like pretty solid proof.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

swimmerguy's picture

Debate, what I'm good at

Yes, I'm afraid of weirding them out. Even a guy I won't hardly get to see, because if I weird him out I won't get to see him at all.

And I also accept I'm not loathsome to everyone. I don't really see much special, but I realize there have been people in this world who have.

Hehe, yeah, and perhaps I overuse the word fuck as a convenient verb. I meant all those things too.

As for the next one, I just feel like one of those pathetic high schoolers (not for much longer!) always like "I want a relationship bwaaaaa".
And many high schoolers are stupid. What if I'm being stupid? What if relationships actually really just suck but people get caught up in the idea of them rather than the practice? Maybe I'm just not wired for it, I don't know.
I'll still go for it if an opportunity presents itself, because I can't know, but I wonder.

And yes, I'm being melodramatic. But partly I'm afraid of missing out on all the melodrama. Every year that goes by I miss. I just turned 18 less than a month ago. I miss being 17 now. I miss the feeling of it. And yes, I never got the melodramatic 17-year-old relationship. Maybe I'd hate it. But now I'll never know.
Very soon, high school will be gone too, and I'll be left generally out of the melodramatic high school relationships.
I understand it's temporary, of course, but it's also permanent.

And most people are aware I'm gay. I don't like to be loud about it because it's just not a huge issue to me about that part of me specifically, but it's at best an open secret (it's public on my fb account, for Chrissakes).

And yes, that's exactly the problem, this is so very easy to believe I honestly almost expected it: here at home I've had several gay guys approach me, obviously into getting something going, some of them are quite hot, but all of them are in the mold of Daniel(not Daniel of this journal, my-first-experience Daniel at camp).
Basically, they're kinda hot but someone I could never tolerate for any reasonable length of time.
Other guys seem determined to drive me insane, being both cool and hot and sort of flirting but then not responding at all when I start laying it on a bit thicker, pulling back a bit really.

Then we go to Costa Rica where I meet like 2 new people. One of them, new Daniel, is first of all, cute. Not super necessary but certainly nice.
Then he's also awesome, like actually intelligent, not like practically everyone I know, and he's also smart (which isn't the same). He loves nature and walks in the mountains.
And crucially, of course, gay. So basically, perfect.
But really, the opposite of that. He's in Costa Rica. Fuck.

jeff's picture

Well...

I don't know that we're debating all that much, heh, more clarifying and agreeing...

I do think there is a case where you are sort of fucked because: a) you know enough of what you don't want to not be in a relationship with someone not right for you (a process by which some people use bad relationships to flesh out) and b) you don't seemingly want the frivolous relationships that come with your age.

Most people don't marry their high school sweetheart, unless they are as boring-as-paint-drying like Mitt Romney. Most people look back on their high school dating life as a series of "what the fuck was I thinking?!"s.

So, you can't both want something while also holding out for wanting more than it at the same time. Is a bevy of hot Daniel1esque tail the worst thing in the world? One imagines you have sub-intellectual needs and they have things that lurk beyond the stereotype they present themselves to be, and those worlds can intersect in interesting interlocking ways, but not if you just intellectualize them away as a potential pointless teenage frivolity (something worthwhile on its own accord, btw. Dumb decisions have a bit of an expiration date and you're allowed many now, less as you age, so cash them in while you can...). You'd need to explore and discover whether those things existed and, while you did, you'd have some sexual dalliances.

You either have to be happy you avoided the melodrama, or steer into it, but pick one and go with it. ;-)

And, yes, I realized both were named Daniel already.

Sadly, finding unattainable perfection is easy. It is one of life's many perverse riddles.

I do apologize for not greeting your 18th birthday with the perfunctory invitation to send me naked pictures that I always bestow upon all Oasis citizens of all genders. A rite of passage so few act on, hehe.

But happy belated birthday! ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

elph's picture

Bravo!

"…here at home I've had several gay guys approach me, obviously into getting something going, some of them are quite hot, but all of them are in the mold of Daniel(not Daniel of this journal, my-first-experience Daniel at camp)."

Knowing full well that many may criticize you for being a tad too choosy by turning down such "golden" opportunities…

But not me!: You've earned my admiration for using your head and not your cock by waiting for that one who can elicit your full respect! Until that day… there exist quite healthful, time-honored stopgap measures that'll help you maintain a near-even libidinal keel! :)

anarchist's picture

Oh fuck, that was painful just to read.

I really feel sorry for you, man. I just feel terrible about that thing with Daniel. There's nothing I can even think to say about this, that's just a horribly unfortunate thing to miss out on. You'll get more opportunities at some point in your life, though. You should have decades left if nothing fucks up, so something good must happen somewhere. At least you still have contact with him, right?

You're still doing better than my total-virgin life has. I've never even touched anyone in a remotely non-platonic way before (except in joking situations), if that makes you feel any better. I've never even made advances on anyone, so you're looking pretty good next to that.

I wonder what it would be like to actually be able to be physical and straightforward to someone I love. I wish that could happen someday.

But fuck me, I'm not relevant to this, and it would be best if you'd just ignore my narcissistic whining.

About the sickness, it may just be from travelling. I got something like that when I flew to Alaska a few years ago, and everything I ate just got completely rejected by my digestive system and thrown up. It's supposed to be pretty common, if that's any help. I'm not sure what causes that, but I guess human bodies don't react well to quick trips. This was probably no help, sorry.

Bosemaster42's picture

Usually,

It's the water you drink, unless it's bottled. Here, our water is chlorinated/fluoridated etc., not so much in Mexico, especially.