Dread

radiosilence95's picture

Sometimes I get this feeling of dread. It usually creeps up on me when I'm alone or bored, when everyone's out and I have all my coursework done. When it comes, I don't feel like doing anything. I can't make myself watch YouTube videos or read Cosmos or text people or anything. I just cycle through my tabs mindlessly, not even really processing anything I'm looking at. It passes after awhile, but it comes back every few days or so.

I dread that Mickala will leave me, that things just won't work out between us and I'll be left alone.

I dread that I'll try to major in physics and it won't work for me, and then I won't know what to do with my academics since I have no back-up plan and I'll have to drop out of school. I have no desire to go back to psychology or creative writing or English. Although I do plan on returning to my writing one day. Maybe I could go to vet school. But that would mean seeing animals in pain, and maybe I'm not cut out for that either.

I dread that I won't make new friends next year and I'll be a nameless wanderer here at this college for way longer than what is healthy because I just fucking suck at making friends and suck even more at keeping them. I'm not a social person, I'm an introvert, and I like only having a few good friends but I don't even have that right now. And don't be like "Oh well you can change that if you go to parties or start introducing yourself to people" because you wouldn't expect an extrovert to become an introvert so why the fuck would you expect the opposite.

I feel the dread when Mickala and I are on the phone and one of us is moody for whatever reason and it gets quiet and we don't know what to say to each other. This doesn't happen often, and I know that when it does happen it's fine and everything will be better the next day, but still. I feel the dread when Sarah and Kaylie go get dinner somewhere without inviting me, or when I look around and see that everyone in my group has someone they feel close enough to room with except for me.

I know this dread is irrational, and it isn't constant thankfully, but since my friends and I have drifted and Mickala's been stressed about moving it has come around more frequently. I don't think about the long-term future anymore because I just don't know where I'll end up. When I try to picture where I'll be in ten, twenty years I draw a blank. This is liberating usually but sometimes it's really fucking scary.

But sometimes, when I'm in a particularly good mood, I can picture it, at least an idealized version of it. Mickala and I living together out in the country with our dogs and cats, me doing research for some university or maybe even NASA.

I'm not as rational as I'd like to think I am. No, I used to think I was the most rational person alive because people would tell me how emotionless and intelligent I seem and I confused that combination with being rational. Maybe my attachment to Mickala isn't healthy. But I love her, and it's okay to cry because she told me she doesn't like staying in one place for too long and I do and that could mean trouble in our distant future, right? It's okay to cry because she snapped at me when I offered to help her pay for groceries when she moves here and I know it's just her being really stressed? Who the fuck even decides when love is healthy and when it's unhealthy? What qualifies that? I'm happy with her and I need her in my life, why is that unhealthy? I've always tried to be as rational about everything as I possibly can, but then I started loving someone deeply and that's all gone to hell I'm afraid.

Maybe I have depression. I know I haven't been very happy lately. I have these moments where I just feel so pessimistic about the near future and I feel empty and alone and maybe a little scared, it's those moments of dread I was telling you about earlier. I just need to go home, start occupying myself with a job, relax with my family, get a fresh start next year. Mickala and I looked at a really nice apartment while she was here this weekend, it's affordable and she's probably hopefully going to get it. We won't be long distance anymore and I'll finally have a chosen academic path instead of floating from subject to subject and I'll be with new people and if I can just show them that I'm not as scary as I seem, I'll make new friends.

It's really just a matter of me getting out of here, I know. I only have a week left, I just have to get through it and then everything gets better from there. The dread always passes.