i am just a body to you
A bed so far from home, I stare at translucent blinds watching cars go by as your fingers shuffle hungrily under the elastic lining of my fuzzy pajama pants. Your voice is ragged as you say ‘you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful’ and rub your tear stained face and lips on my goosebumped neck, savoring me. I feel your sobs, you remind me that it’s been six years- you’ve waited, you’ve waited so long. You, you, you. I look out the window and wonder how my miracle could go so wrong. I prayed to be in another bed with another set of hungry hands.
I’d waited too, but I never thought it would be this. I never thought it would be your strong arms holding me down instead of holding me tight. I felt your heart, your engrossed pulse in your twitching member pressed unwelcome between my buttcheeks, and I protested quietly between your sobs and seeking finger pads circling areolas not meant for you; pieces of me I tried to lock up tight. I thought I meant more to you than skin and sex, more to you than a corporeal form. Six years, you waited. I waited.
I tried to fall asleep slipping in the crack between the bed and the wall, hoping maybe I’d wake up from the nightmare, but you droned on and on in my ear ’you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful,’, still shoving your rough palms over my gentle tissue paper skin. i felt every piece of trust flake away, felt your hands tracing every inch like it was yours; i remember your disgusting cracked lips shoved against mine as your tears fell onto my eyesockets and i mumbled no through your persistent touches.
I thought me becoming real would mean I’d finally be loved and treasured, not abused further.
i know it was 6 years ago but i still remember how you pretended to be my friend so you could thrust your fingers in my scared body as i said no over and over; our friend just watched. you pulled out, you sniffed the fingers that penetrated an unaroused, unshowered, and post-period female and decidedly concluded that i was undesireable.
disgusting, i was. you stood up and put a shirt on and said you were leaving to see your girlfriend, and my friend glared at me. as you slammed the door he remarked ‘i’m glad YOU got to have fucking fun while i just sat over here by myself. prude’