I survived. Oh my god.

Super Duck's picture

I met up with Bosemaster a couple weeks ago. I would've posted earlier, but I've been busy with finals. I've never met anyone from the internet before, but it's always been an item on my bucket list, so that was pretty cool! We went to the magic Starbucks where I became friends with Cute Blonde Girl and talked for a while. As we were leaving, the hot Norwegian chick walked in. I had to, of course, point out this fact. I whispered, but I still hope she didn't hear me, haha. (But I mean, she's gotta know I drooled over her constantly in class. I feel like it's painfully obvious!) My friend I mentioned in the last journal, the guy who kept me company while I was waiting for my housing appointment, also made an appearance, so Bosemaster got to see all kinds of characters from my posts! (Sadly no Cute Blonde Girl, though.)

So, yeah, the school year is over. My freshman year of college is over. Holy shit. It seems like I spent longer waiting for it than it did for it to actually go by... but I feel like I've aged a hundred years in just that one year. That was hands down the absolute hardest year of my life up to this point. The second semester damage control was probably the hardest, most mentally-exhausting thing I've ever done, full stop.

I was upset for a while because I thought I wouldn't get a chance to say bye to Cute Blonde Girl. We had planned to meet for coffee one last time the weekend before finals to study together (yet separately because we didn't have any classes together, if that makes sense) but she ended up never giving me a time, and I couldn't reach her by texting or calling so I was pretty upset at the thought of not getting to see her one more time. But the night before my first exam, I ran into her on my way back from studying. The library is full of unfocused idiots around exam time, so I like to study in the student union after dinner because it clears out pretty fast and the booths are way more comfortable than the library chairs. She apparently has the exact same idea... ha! She was really sad that her senior friends were leaving, so she spent a whole day with them and ended up losing a day of studying and then had to try and frantically make up for it, which is why we couldn't hang out that one day. I had been a little bit mad at her for not at least letting me know because trying to get in touch with her wasted my time that morning, but I just couldn't be mad at her anymore, seeing her sitting there with her little bag of jelly beans and her big puffy jacket. She was happy to see me, but I felt bad because I knew I was distracting her from studying. But I couldn't leave. I just couldn't. I said bye to her no less than 3 times before finally making myself leave her alone to study. I'd tell her bye, and then I'd keep standing there... and then I'd apologize... and she'd giggle and say it's okay. And then it would happen over again. It was stupid and honestly a bit embarrassing, but I just couldn't leave her. I was not entirely unconvinced that it wouldn't be the last time.

I hope her finals went well. I haven't had any contact with her since finals except Snapchat since she's been at her older sister's graduation in Maryland this past weekend. I need to talk to her soon.

So, yeah, school... My friend I mentioned earlier and I both really didn't like the professor of the class we were in together. He once described her as "condescending," and I think that's pretty spot-on. She also gives terrible advice, is horrible at responding to emails, says she "loves" your paper and then marks you WAY down for literally one or two tiny things that she never mentions when you go to her office hours specifically to talk about your rough draft, and is just generally not very helpful in any way whatsoever.

Somehow, I managed to get an A- out of her. I'm very surprised. I calculated my grade and I was on the threshold of B+/A-, and for some reason, she rounded up for me. That's very unlike Ms. "I Don't Believe in Grades But I'm Forced to Give Them Anyway so I Give a Lot of Shitty Ones." Well, in her final email to me, she said I was very determined, so maybe she just wanted to get rid of me, haha. My friend, on the other hand, did not get an A-, and he was very, very, very pissed. He had many, uh, colorful things to say about her and her policies when I said bye to him on the last day of school, haha.

I was also pleasantly surprised with econ. It's very hard to make a good grade in the econ classes at my school. I made a 73 on the final but got a B in the class because the average was in the 60s! I'm really glad I'm done with econ classes now, though. They're huge GPA killers. Ugh.

The best story, however, is finance. I did every single finance practice problem available to me. Time Value of Money and bonds and all that shit are easy, but valuing stocks can be hard. My professor (who isn't the one who makes the exams) skipped a lot of slides about stocks in lecture and said, "Oh, I taught all the important stuff, but you might want to go through the slides I skipped once or twice and just look at them." Nearly every single question asked for the stuff he skipped. I shit you not. Or if it didn't, then you needed to calculate that information to be able to answer it. NONE of that stuff was in any of the practice problems, either, by the way. Fortunately, I had a good enough grasp on the principles of finance to be able to work most of them backwards using the answer choices, but it took so much extra time that I was convinced I wasn't going to finish. The room got really hot, and it felt like I was trapped. I started panicking so hard and it was horrible. The pressure was unreal; the final was 40% of your grade, and anyone who didn't get a B- or better in the class had to change majors. It was the hardest test I've ever taken at college, and that's so shameful because I thought it would be my second easiest final after sociology. I was PISSED.

After the exam, I saw a girl from one of my classes first semester and asked her what she thought of it. She said she killed it and that it was super easy and that she was pretty sure she'd get an A in finance. In retrospect, I don't think she was the best person to ask because I'm pretty sure she's the one who mentioned really wanting to be an investment banker, so I asked my roommate, who was in my finance class and actively called herself bad at finance, and she said she had mixed feelings but found it "mostly decent." So after she left, I cried for no less than 3 hours because I "failed out of business school" and "didn't know what to do with my life anymore" and "definitely just lost $20,000." (I think I said those three phrases about 50 times each this entire weekend.)

Except... I didn't. I made a B+ in finance. I made a 3.50 this semester. I made the fucking Dean's List. (And at the number one school known for rampant grade deflation, nonetheless!) I had a B+ in finance going into the exam, so that means I made a B+ on it too. I don't know how because I made a B+ on the midterm, and I actually thought the midterm was easy, but the final was really, really hard. (Well, maybe the fact that I panicked made it worse.) There must've been a MASSIVE curve. The actual exam grades aren't on the website, just the letter grades, so I can't figure it out. But it happened. Somehow. I am still in disbelief and still occasionally check it to see if it's really there.

Well, I'm about 99% sure I made the Dean's List, anyway. The requirements vary by major, but I think in mine it's a 3.50+ in a semester with at least a full load of 16 credits. If that's the case, then I did. That means my cumulative GPA is 3.30, which in turn means not only that I did not lose my scholarship but also that I have a bit of a cushion now because I only have to have a 3.20 to keep it, and each semester affects it less and less. But I'm going to treat every semester from here on out like this one, even though I'm not frantically trying to save my ass anymore, because if I ever let it get down to the danger zone again, then it will be even harder to fix it because, like I said, each semester affects it less and less...

The important part is that I don't have to leave Boston. I will get to hug Cute Blonde Girl many more times. I will get to further develop the friendships I made near the end of school... Particularly, that guy and I are in the same major so I'm sure we will get to talk shit about many more classes together, haha. I will get to be a part of this one new club I'm really excited about that's "officially" forming next semester. (I already met the guys in charge. I think I mentioned it a while ago. It's a web design and development club. I don't even try to hide my geeky interests anymore.)

Anyway, so I'm not really sure how I feel about my mom's newest boyfriend right now. I don't know if it's just because I thought the last one was the best one and it's hard for any more to compare, but I just don't know. He talks way, way, way too much. It even gets on my mom's nerves. He cannot let there just be comfortable silence for a minute or two, at all, ever, even if he has nothing constructive to say. I just... I don't know, he's usually nice and all, and my mom likes him so that's all that really matters. I mean, I live 1500 miles away 3/4ths of the year anyway, but I just got really annoyed with him this past weekend. When he and my mom came to help me pack my stuff up into storage for the summer, he just kept bitching about everything in Boston and it was so annoying. I really do appreciate the help, but I also really don't care if you don't like the walkable neighborhoods and "wall-to-wall buildings," okay? I'M the one who lives there. I swear to god he said "wall-to-wall buildings" a million times in one day. Yes, Northeastern cities such as Boston and New York are densely populated. Wow! Who knew, right? And he thinks there's a "man" and a "woman" in every same-sex relationship. I don't know, it's just, stuff like "all gay people (insert ignorant stereotype here)" is like my biggest berserk button ever. I just can't with the ignorant stereotypes This is one of the few things I just do not have any patience whatsoever for. I was already pretty much done with the entire weekend because I was stressing too much about my finance grade, but that was kind of the icing on the cake. I don't know. He was fine the past two times I met him, so maybe I was just not in a good mood because I was stressed over grades.

I did discover the most excellent restaurant of my entire life near his house, though. (He lives in Baton Rouge, where my mom says she is going to move this summer, but she says she is moving in with all her boyfriends and never does, so...) All of the waitresses are SO cute and they wear booty shorts and there are these freaking giant, delicious sandwiches on French bread. Obviously, I must limit my exposure to this restaurant as much as possible. But it's the best. I really have not enjoyed most of my experience in the Deep South, but I exempt southern Louisiana from this because of New Orleans and the fact that Cajun food is number one. I like everything to be as spicy as possible, so it's no contest.

I had a very, very strict regimen every day for the past 4 months. I think I took exactly one or two days completely off of schoolwork that entire time. Having absolutely nothing to do now is really weird for me, and I'm having a seriously hard time adjusting... It's 3 in the morning and I'm wide awake. I slept until 12:30 on Saturday. I don't know what's going on anymore. Well, I guess nothing is going on anymore.

Comments

DestinyB.'s picture

School...blah

I just went back this spring, the feeling of waiting on finale grades and course grade just about drove me insane, (I still don't know one lol). Glade you did well your first year, I heard so many scary stories about people messing up their first year that I thought I'd mess up no matter what. Your finance class grade gives me hope that I passed psychology with something higher than a c lol.
DestinyB.

Super Duck's picture

I think it's very easy to

I think it's very easy to mess up the first year, or at least the first semester. I didn't know how to study at all when I got to college. My high school was a joke. I was salutatorian and I think there were like 2 or 3 classes that really required studying.

I hope you did well on psychology!!

DestinyB.'s picture

4.0!!!!

Thanks I did, I got all A's and a 4.0. I'm super excited.
DestinyB.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I'm not sure meeting someone off the Internet counts for one's bucket list if you don't also sleep with them... ;-)

I think having a challenging college entry is a good thing. I had tuned out of high school, and didn't really get challenged in college, so I think I still have some project management issues that a good school could have sorted out.

Does CBG know you're lesbolicious yet?

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

Sleeping with someone from

Sleeping with someone from the internet is definitely NOT anywhere on my bucket list at the moment!

Oh, I have learned many hard lessons about time and project management, haha.

I have not yet had this conversation with her. I dread it, honestly. That's pretty much my absolute least favorite conversation to have with anyone because it never turns out the way it should and gets super embarrassing super fast, except in the case of when I told my therapist but I guess it's kind of in her job description to not say such lovely things as, "You don't seem gay" or "But you've never given men a chance, so you should keep your options open." Not that I think Cute Blonde Girl specifically would say these things, but they're quite common and it just makes me hate it so much oh my god.

jeff's picture

Well...

Is sleeping with someone ON your bucket list, at least?! ;-)

I will only say by making it a thing you haven't discussed, you're the one making it a thing at all AND making that thing something you're seemingly uncomfortable with by not discussing it.

You're in college, so saying you're into girls becomes an option, not an ordeal. It's completely different from high school, where it's the same group you've known since forever, etc.

You don't have to say that you're into her or anything else.

If you're not one for sharing, being out is way easier than coming out, though. You change a Facebook status to "Women" and mention it if and when it comes up naturally. Easy.

Of course, the real step would be doing that and then saying you like her in the fall. I realize that is a step too far, heh.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

To be honest, not really...

It would be nice, but it's not absolutely necessary.

I just feel like it's not even most people's business, if that makes sense. But also I guess if it was anyone's business, then it would be hers, but I just really hate talking about it. I don't like answering people's dumb questions and it annoys me if they don't believe it and I don't EVER want to be "the token lesbian" or whatever. I have so much other stuff about me and I'd just hate it if that's what people thought of when they thought about me instead of, you know, my actual personality or achievements.

I don't know, it's like how this past semester I started really trying to avoid having to tell new people I'm originally from Mississippi after I got really tired of all the questions about why I'm not like however they expected someone from Bumblefuck, Mississippi, to be like. Why don't you go to church, why don't you sound like Honey Boo Boo, all that stuff. It's the same thing.

She's a really, really sweet girl so I don't think she'd disappoint me, but I do hate having that conversation sooooo much.

jeff's picture

Well...

So how exactly do you get a girlfriend in a world where no one is supposed to learn this specific information, only your broader personality and achievements?

We already jumped from one specific girl to how everyone would think of you, and being from Mississippi, etc., etc., but I don't see how telling one person you're friendly with (and let's be honest, have a crush on) that you're into chicks means you're the token lesbian everywhere and being judged by everyone?

Not that the closet and internalized homophobia tend to use logic as a foundation, of course.

I have no issue with this conversation, so just give me her e-mail address and I'll sort it out for you. ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I don't want one right now,

I don't want one right now, honestly. It's enough to just look at the hot girls right now.

I don't like the stereotypes and assumptions people make and I just really don't want to invite that kind of negativity into my life anymore. I don't think I should have to. I mean, it's not like I wanted this to happen to me in the first place. I don't want to deal with the implications and that doesn't make me have "internalized homophobia," it makes me sick of people's shit. And if I want to stay in college then I don't even have time to date so why jeopardize my most valued friendship over something this stupid and inconvenient?

jeff's picture

Eh...

So, you're a martyr who will sacrifice your own life and happiness for everyone's convenience, including your own?! If you say so... ;-)

Yes, no one that attends college has had the time to date, ever. You don't know any person in your dorm or social circle that is a college student that is also dating?

If your friend knowing who you actually are jeopardizes that friendship, then it isn't a friendship. She is having a friendship with someone she doesn't know, and you're having a friendship by concealing who you are... no one has ever lost a friend coming out, only found out that they didn't really have one to begin with.

If you aren't ready to deal with it, fine. But these excuses are all kind of easily deflated. You only get 6 more months of Oasis, so get it sorted out! heh

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

Dating someone isn't going

Dating someone isn't going to make me happy. I don't need someone else to be happy. I'll be happy when I stop getting these stupid attachments to people. (It also doesn't really help that I'm not particularly excited about what I've seen of my potential dating pool so far...)

I don't have time to date because I have to keep a certain GPA, which I almost wasn't even able to.

She does know "who I actually am." I am not just my sexuality. That's basically what I just said!

Look, I'm just NOT happy with this part of my life right now. I don't want a girlfriend right now or at any point in the near future, at all, end of story.