Miscellaneous Meanderings

radiosilence95's picture

I'm ready to go home for the summer now. I wanna see my mom and my sister and my dad and my soon-to-be stepdad and my cats. I wanna see my mom get married to someone who values her and treats her with respect and kindness. I'm ready to live in a new dorm and start my social life over again and meet new people whom I actually feel really close to. And I'm ready to start throwing myself into some really hard schoolwork.

First and foremost, my six days at Mickala's were lovely, but passed much too quickly. And there was that nagging dread of goodbye to deal with. I actually cried at one point because I knew we'd have to say goodbye again in a few days. Long distance relationships are hard, man. But yeah we went to her prom together. Had dinner with her friends at Outback beforehand. Her friends were nice. Prom wasn't super exciting, but it made Mickala happy for us to both be dressed up and fancy and that's all that matters to me. The Queens of the Stone Age concert in Kansas City was badass of course. We ate lunch at this quaint little Chinese restaurant with Mickala's stepsister, who talks a lot but seems really nice. Um I also shot a gun for the first time while I was there, a .22 automatic rifle and a revolver. Wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it'd be. I actually wouldn't mind shooting as a hobby. I may be a liberal, but I don't really have any qualms about people owning guns. I just think you should be trained properly before you get your hands on one, and that people with criminal records/mental illness shouldn't have access to them. Also I still don't get why people get such big boners over guns. I mean they're fun to shoot but some people are just obsessed.

Also I hit a fucking deer on the way back. I now have a giant dent in my hood, several cracks in my front bumper, and I'm pretty sure one of my headlights and a turn signal aren't working. Plus, worst of all, my seat belt locked up and has to be completely replaced. To get everything fixed will cost 1500 dollars. But we're probably just going to have the three important things fixed so I can actually legally drive my car. I'm waiting for my mom to tell me how to proceed. She's paying for it of course. I feel bad about that and I want to pay her back when I have money saved up from working.

Anyway, next week Mickala's coming up for four days and we're gonna see Alice in Chains in Iowa with my sister. Problem is I'm dangerously low on money because I haven't been very financially smart, so I really can't afford to take her out or anything. We're gonna look at apartments and houses for her, because she doesn't want to stay in a dorm at all and wants to bring her dog with her because her aunt and grandpa (whom she lives with) both have no problem shooting it if it eats chickens or runs off too many times. If she leaves her dog with her aunt, the dog will be killed almost certainly. And she loves that dog so much. So that plus her dread of living in a dorm with tons of strangers means she needs to find a place. Thing is she'll have to work a job and be able to keep her grades up. Everyone I've told about it says that it would be so much easier to just live in a dorm, and I agree, but the situation for her isn't ideal for that.

Also Kaylie is no longer acknowledging my existence. I said in my previous journal that I posted an angry tweet about her thinking that she would never see it ever, but she found it somehow (I think Sarah might have something to do with that) and now she's pissed. I mean I did insult her major (also hypocritical of me since I was once a planned creative writing major too) but she insults me on a daily fucking basis with no repercussions for what she says, and the one time I bite back I'm shunned. If I shunned her for every time she made me feel insulted our friendship would have ended a long, looong time ago.

So I'm done with everybody basically, but Kaylie in particular. Sarah's going to side with her no matter what. In fact I'm pretty sure if Kaylie told her to stop talking to me she would do it without hesitation. So in losing one friend I'm now going to lose two. And everybody else feels like just acquaintances. So now I've regressed back to having no one.


jeff's picture


"I may be a liberal, but I don't really have any qualms about people owning guns."

It would be hard to find a liberal who opposes people owning guns. They only want background checks and automatic weapons to be harder to get.

Creative writing is a bit of a bogus major, but then... aren't most of them? I mean, post college, the chasm between what people studies and what they do tends to be comical. It is almost surprising when you find someone doing what they studied, save for people in actual specialties like medicine, law, computer science, etc.

Is a full-time student with a part-time job and a small apartment the best home for a dog? I mean, it is a bad setup, but... the solution isn't perfect, either. Of course, I never get a dog because I wouldn't want to have it trapped in a small apartment, without finding it cruel that I live in a small urban apartment, heh.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

radiosilence95's picture

True. Although at this

True. Although at this school it would be a challenge to find a person who would even go near a gun. I can't say too much though, since I've been that way forever until I shot one for the first time and realized there isn't much to be scared of as long as you know what you're doing.

Majors are a pain in the ass. And they cause a lot of petty arguments just like the one Kaylie and I were locked in. There's all these people telling you what's practical, telling you what you should pick as a major and how many opportunities it will give you, telling you which majors are bullshit. And I remain torn between doing what you love and doing what is practical. But if you end up doing something totally different, then what's the point?

Yeah it's pretty much a mess. She's going to be gone a lot more than she realizes, and that dog will be lucky to get a nice walk in the park twice a week. But it's either that or it being shot. Mickala's dogs have "disappeared" before. Her whole family has absolutely no empathy whatsoever towards any animals or pets. And they're very trigger happy. Bad combination. I mean, I would ask my grandparents to take Bella in, but she's bad about running off if she isn't kept in a pen or on a leash, and I don't want to burden my grandparents with another dog...

jeff's picture


"And I remain torn between doing what you love and doing what is practical. But if you end up doing something totally different, then what's the point?"

I'd go by the Confucious quote as much as possible, do what you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life. Go practical, and then it's 40+ hours a week of potential drudgery.

The biggest thing to remember is people who tell people to be practical are often trying to reinforce what they need to be true, since they didn't pursue what they loved. So, they need pursuing your dreams and loves to be a folly and unrealistic. If it isn't, then they chose incorrectly and wasted their lives.

On the executive team at major software companies, we had everything you can imagine. I remember a VP of marketing who was a French Comparative Literature major or something like that, just completely unrelated. There's a ton of that. A lot of college is learning the concept and strategies of learning. An "unnecessary" class you don't like is teaching you how to get in, assess something, comprehend it, and put it to practical use, even when you have no desire for it. That you will put to use 100X more in life than a class where you love the subject, but you're not learning much or being challenged.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

lonewolf678's picture

Alice In Chains!

So jelly! :-P
Nah, but really that rules. :)

radiosilence95's picture

As you should be. Haha. I'm

As you should be. Haha. I'm so pumped to see them! Although it would've been even better if Layne Staley was still around...

jeff's picture


That's why I can never see the new version... I saw Layne twice. I'm done.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles