i'm in a pretty bad mood today, and also pretty bored waiting for my sister to take me to the music store (to get a thumb pick and a new tuner), a combination which has led to me being here and writing a new journal.
first of all, last weekend went pretty well. i went to some record stores with my father, and found some cool stuff. got some hardcore punk, an original copy of in the court of the crimson king, another original copy of my life in the bush of ghosts by brian eno and david byrne, and some jandek records. there's some interesting stuff at those stores that i passed up because there was so much of it.
i got some finger picks for guitar , and did not get a thumb pick, so i need to find one locally. and my sister's been using my tuner for her ukelele, so i have to get a new one of those, too. maybe a fancy one that i can clip to the end of my guitar so i don't need to have it turned on to tune it. yk has one of those, and it's pretty useful. i also got a couple of really small picks just to try them out and see what they're good for, and i really like them. they have some lice precision, which i wasn't expecting because i usually stick to the big bass picks because they have nice grip that makes tremolo easier. finger picks are going to take a while to get used to because they seem to hinder my fingers in a way, but i think the extra volume will be worth it.
it may be worth it to get a capo as well, but i don't know how much they cost. i don't know many songs that require a capo, but i hear it really increases the guitar's capabilities. someone told me i should get one even though i don't play any songs that need it.
another interesting bit of information is that my hair has developed a dread now, and it feels pretty cool. my hair is very tangled and messy in the back. it never gets brushed.
listening to brazilian music has also reminded me of a book i started reading a few years ago called the war of the end of the world by mario vargas llosa, which is about an attempted revolution in brazil by the followers of a prophet who lived in the forests and travelled from town to town throughout the backcountry, expanding the movement and giving religious sermons. i walked over to the library today and ordered it. i'd like to go back to that book.
i kind of want to share why i'm in a bad mood, but i'd be repeating myself a lot. to make things short and simple, i told yk to meet me outside the school during his lunch period (since i didn't want to go to class anyway) so we could talk, he said he would, and then he didn't. afterwards, he seemed to be making up excuses (about the lunch guards not letting him through) and then seemed pretty frustrated, which i think he was probably faking. he also left lunch a different way from usually (and much quicker than usual), so i don't know if that was to avoid me or if there's some other reason. and then he changed the topic and started talking about his kayaking trip last weekend, as friendly as always.
so i'm pretty upset, because he seems to be quite indecisive. he's really interested in spending time with me when i'm at his house, and tells me i need to come back, and then he's just a different person when we're at school. except when i skip to stay at his lunch, that's the only time he acts the way he does when i visit him. i don't get it.
and when he tries to avoid mentioning his girlfriend, he doesn't even want me to know what gender the person he's talking about is. he calls her "someone" and specifically avoids any gender-specific pronouns. i wouldn't have known who he was talking about if it weren't about something i saw posted on her twitter. i miss when we had PE together, and we could actually talk and play sports together. he misses that, too, so it's confusing why he switches moods like that. he really enjoyed PE with me.
i'm just confused. people are confusing.
i'd like to kill a person someday. it seems like it would feel really good to destroy something that's infinite, and just eliminate an entire consciousness. it would be like erasing a whole universe from existence. it's nice to think of how much of an impact i could have on the world like that. maybe one day that'll happen, but i'd have to be in a pretty strange mood to go through with it after enough premeditation to get a weapon. i don't want to discuss this topic any further because i'm not in the same state i was earlier.
sharing all this has actually made me feel a lot better about today. i'm pretty scared of tomorrow, though. i don't know how i'll be able to talk to yk anymore. i don't know if there's any way still available. maybe we'll see each other more often over the summer, since he wants to start giving me kayak lessons once his pool opens.