When Your Secret Has Been Visible All Along

Brady's picture

I haven't written on here in five weeks, it really seems like it's been five years.
My life's been weird lately, but it now seems like things are more stable.

For spring break dad, Carter and I went down to Florida to do some work on a friend's vacation house in exchange for staying there for free, and dad let me bring along a friend because my brother Hayden was going to be at Scout camp for most of spring break. Naturally I chose my boyfriend Luke.

It wasn't all bad because Hayden's boyfriend Jake was also going to camp, but I was bummed not having him with us, and I know dad and Carter were too. Especially Carter, because we spend a lot of time with him and I think he's the closest to Hayden.

The vacation house needed to be painted and some repairs done on the steps, so we spent the first two days there doing that. Carter really helped out, I mean he did as much work as Luke and I and really took pride in what he was doing.

The third day there dad took Carter fishing out on a boat, leaving Luke and I at the house to just hand out and relax, and it was a perfect chance for us to get physical. We had been talking about going all the way for a while, and it just seemed like the perfect opportunity. We came well prepared with lube and condoms and we cleaned ourselves out. I let Luke go first and...

IT WAS THE MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED!!!!!!!

I didn't enjoy it much, but he did. Funny thing was he went slow and gentle but it still felt like my guts were being ripped out. When it was my turn I lasted a few minutes and it wasn't that great, he wasn't as tight as I expected him to be I guess.

I didn't tell Luke how bad it was or how much it hurt, or that he made my butt bleed, but the experience cast a cloud over the rest of the time we were there. I don't think Luke noticed, but I felt different about him about him after that. thankfully we didn't do it again, but we still took care of each other with our mouths, and that was great.

When we got back home after dropping Luke off at his house, dad told me he needed to talk to me, and in the living room the threw my undies at me with the bloodstain and sat down on the couch and ordered me to sit next to him.

I know what going on with you and Luke...I've known for a while now...it's okay son. I'm not mad...I'm not surprised...I was your age once. I know how hard it is to get anywhere with girls, but that's okay son. I used to do the same stuff when I was your age.

I was crying, and I don't know why? Dad could have beat me up or thrown me out of the house, but he didn't. He got up and came back with a photo book that I'd never seen before, and handed it to me.

As I looked at the pictures of different boys in poses with my dad, there was one picture that made me stop and stare. In it, my dad was standing behind a fat boy with his arms around his chest, his head resting on his shoulder, a huge smile on his face.

Brady, that's Luke's father. We were real close growing up. I mean REAL close.

I understood what he meant by that.

Dad asked me if Luke ever talks about his father, and I said no, and then dad told me he killed himself because he couldn't accept being gay. He made it look like an accident, but dad told me he knew it wasn't.

Seeing you and Luke together brought back some memories Brady, but you just have to take things one day at a time. Just enjoy each other, but don't lock yourself into one role.

I was still crying, and I stood up and my dad held me, and let me release my pain, and that night we slept together on the couch in the basement. He held me the same way he did when our mom left us, and I needed him to do that again.

I feel better about things now, and I understand what he means by not deciding I'm gay just yet. The funny thing is I never thought I'd be just like my dad.

The night Hayden came back from his Scout trip I told him about what happened between dad and I, and he told me he knew dad had been checking out the texts in our cell phones and the pictures. I guess it was going to eventually happen?

Dad still hasn't confronted Hayden, and I'm sure he knows about him too. Maybe the possibility of two gay sons is more than he can handle right now, or maybe he's waiting for Hayden to tell him?

It feels good to be back on here, it really does!

Brady

Comments

Beau's picture

Whoa...

I don't think you saw that coming. It could have been worse, but at least you don't have to worry about coming out. And you didn't get kicked out of your house or anything like that.

Based on how you wrote your journal, I think you're still upset about things. I hope you know you can come on here and ask for help?

I've had some experiences with girls, and I think your father's trying to keep your mind open about your interests and not to just go one way.

I'm glad you came back on here, we're about the same age and it helps having a peer on here : )

Beau

jeff's picture

Err...

Lube isn't the only answer to anal not being painful, but there are enough sites online describing such things, though. In short, a finger is typically less narrow than a penis, as are two fingers... so one could sort of open things up gradually and less painfully rather than BAM! INSERT PENIS WITH LUBE!

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles