I just want to see him one more time

DestinyB.'s picture

I don't know what to do with myself today. So Saturday night I closed at PJ's with my fav manager, and like always I spent the entire time wanting to do nothing but sit in the office and eat pizza while we talk about random things. Which we did while counting my money, but I was upset with him so I was trying to get the hell out of there.

Some dishes and a freshly cleaned floor later it was time to get out of there and locked the store up. I just needed about five minutes alone with him so i pretended to look for something in my truck until the other driver left....omg lol took him forever. So my manager finally comes out and he comes to my car to see what I was smoking. It had been a long day and I need a cigar. So he hugged me and I so wanted for it to last longer. But he told me to have fun and he got in his car and left.

I spent the entire night and next morning daydreaming about what I should have done and thinking maybe I should just text him and tell I'm falling for him. What could it hurt? I decided to wait till I was at work to try and find a time to pull him to the side. I figured I have the chance...I was wrong.

Turns out after we left work he got really fucked up and crashed his car. And thats all anyone would tell me for hours, granted they probably didn't know more but I was freaking out. It's not like we are dating or anything. So no one knew that I was on the edge of a breakdown on the inside. I was so glade I deliver instead of working on the inside. I needed time alone to process this and cry. I needed time to fall to pieces without anyone else seeing me. Finally I found out he was in the MED, witch means he is in pretty bad shape. I'd been praying all day that he'd maybe just hit his head and that he'd be out maybe a week or two. But since he was under the influence of something he might have to go to jail.

All I could think was if i had of given him a sign, he might have been with me instead of out drinking. If I had of just put my lips on his neck, maybe he would have realized I wanted to spend some time with him. Does he know im not really upset with him over something so silly? Will I ever see him again? What if he dies? What if hes paralyzed?

I wish I could go see him. I'm restless just waiting and trying to pretend that im just asking to be asking. I don't want to have to live without him in my life. I think one of my co-workers knew that I was sad about it but he didn't say anything. So I just kind of stayed to myself.

Comments

lonewolf678's picture

Very odd circumstances indeed,

my opinion is that if you wanted to tell your manager you had an interest in him, don't. Keep your job, keep those feelings out of mind, that may be difficult but work is work. Don't risk losing a job, over that.

I'm very sorry to hear that he's not well at all, all you can do is hope and or pray for the best.

And don't blame yourself for what happened, there was no way of knowing it would happen or preventing it. These things happen, it's just the way of the world. Don't blame yourself, just don't, it won't do you or him any good.

DestinyB.'s picture

This is another one I'll be taking to my grave...

Yea, that whats keep my mouth closed all this time. No point in making work awkward or worse losing work all together like you said. He's fine, he texted me today and let me know that he's not dead. I managed not to text back saying how much it actually affected me and just said i was glade he was ok.

DestinyB.