my father changed his mind and decided not to take me to his house. i think i'm going to kill myself.
I'll be honest, I don't know the other circumstances of your life.
But in the off chance you're serious, you seem to be looking to solve a very temporary problem with a very drastic and permanent solution. Trust me. Most people jump off the Golden Gate bridge and realize their problems could have been solved by other means, while they're already hurtling towards the deadly surface tension-ed water.
It's a shitty life, but find whatever relaxes you enough to let you get your head out of the shittiness of other people and the world at large, so that you can devote your energies to figuring out how you're going to outsmart them into your own way of dealing with their rampant assholery.
For me, this is the forest. Life now, after high school, is just like life in high school, except that I'm so much happier and relaxed because I can spend time in the mountains. This has given me much breathing room to figure out how I'm going to preserve this happiness and peace going forward into the future. The hard part is mustering the resolve and motivation to find my own way in a shitty world when I feel infused by its shittiness.
But that's a temporary struggle, after which I find solutions that work for me at every point I need them. Don't use such a lazy and self-centered out. All you need is the motivation to start, which will find you the motivation to continue, from now and on and on until you die of natural causes, not by your own hand.
But I feel trapped by life. It's so restrictive, and it feels like an illusory prison in which my consciousness has found itself trapped. As Dan Barrett put it, "it was like a skin on top of something much larger, and that if you made an incision into that skin, the slightest incision, the tiniest cut, that Death would leak out. Absence."
The world just feels unnatural and it seems like this life has only been a small part of my existence (for lack of a better word). Everything is foreign and my senses don't feel like they're part of me. I can't remember what the reality is, but I know that it's much freer than this.
Current 93 does a good job of explaining how I feel:
And what's worse is that yk seems to be the only true escape. I don't know exactly what it is, but his presence and attention seems to release part of my soul into this reality somehow. That's the best job I can do of explaining it, but it's a pretty shitty situation I'm trapped in and I can't find a way to make it pleasant when the distractions are so limited and so ephemeral. I've been reduced to slowly suffocating the hours in my bed just to make it through another day.
Look mate. You're obsessed with this fellow.
If you really feel this depressed then go get professional help instead of posting this on the internet. If you think you'll kill yourself, then call 911.
Another person being the center of your life is a bad thing. Period. And if your life feels so restrictive then change something. How do you expect to make things better by staying in bed? That is the exact opposite of a solution. You've been so unhappy for as long as I've read your stuff, but for as long as I've read your stuff you have refused to change yourself. Maybe- just MAYBE- the solution might be to do something about your own problems. ESPECIALLY getting over this stupid boy that obviously will never give as much of a shit about you as you do about him, and would probably be creeped out by your behaviour if he knew its full extent. Move on. Don't say you can't, because you can. I have tortured myself the way you are, and it only fixes itself by moving on.
And lastly, you shouldn't be looking for distractions. You should be looking for a way to live your own life. You seem to love wallowing in your misery so much that I wonder if you WANT to be miserable. Misery is a great excuse to stand still. But you can't.
Alright, that's probably mostly unintelligible, because I'm tired and frustrated and bugger all this shit. Have a good night, and please try to consider this nonsense I'm spewing. I'm trying to help.
* * *
A man is defined not by his convictions, but by what he denies of himself.
"Trust me. Most people jump off the Golden Gate bridge and realize their problems could have been solved by other means, while they're already hurtling towards the deadly surface tension-ed water."
What an irreversible tragedy! You definitely never wish this to be your final thought… :(
Each of us experiences life differently… but we all share many commonalities: Especially for gay teens… It is not at all unusual to form extremely emotional attachments for specific others. In your case, the only candidate you are seeing is yk!
I am very intimately familiar with these emotions… No one came to ease my pain! But this was largely because I felt it was necessary to keep it a tightly-guarded secret :(
Times are so much better now… better, but not yet perfect!
You will find that the best friendly (i.e., non-professional) hints on how to cope… will come from those who are your peers (e.g., swimmerguy). Also, don't forget The Trevor Project if you're feeling truly desperate!
Specifically, what offer was it your dad reneged on? Was an explanation given?
Everyone has said your obsession with yk has been unhealthy forever, and you said it is the only thing that makes you feel good, which could be true, but it isn't an answer. I would consider that yk has shown you have a capacity for joy and a desire for happiness, and that may have been the extent of his role in your life. He may not be the one that want or is willing to receive them, but you now can't deny you have them.
As for someone who doesn't text, e-mail, or call you back... you can't say they won't communicate with you, as it sounds like they are sending a very specific message.
So, your mission is to detach from yk and figure out how to find that joy and happiness with someone who desires it from you. I mean, that second half is always the more important part.
It isn't like yk was waiting to hang out and your dad wouldn't drive you over there. You were going over unannounced to confront him and find out why he wasn't communicating with you. So, for all we know, your dad merely didn't take you there to knock on the door when no one was home, despite whatever elaborate confrontation you had envisioned.
It seems like nearly all the feedback you've gotten on here for months is to get over yk, so there's not much use in us saying it again...
What you really need it to talk to professionals about this:
The Trevor Project (GLBT Youth) - 1-866-4-U-TREVOR
Suicide Hotline (General) - 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
National Crisis Helpline (General Crisis Help) - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles
I don't really want to never see him again, and I don't feel like being forced to accept that. We were really good friends, so it makes no sense that he would intentionally try to end contact with me out of nowhere, when he was perfectly normal last time we saw each other. It isn't unusual for him to not respond to anything I send him, but I thought he would when that's our only communication and he specifically told me that we could text each other. His girlfriend is now back from Japan, so I've contacted her again and I'll see what happens. I don't want to lose my closest friend, and I don't know anyone who could ever have the same effect that he does.
Why focus on the parts that only the person who doesn't reply to you can answer, though?
To me the key bit is:
"I don't want to lose my closest friend, and I don't know anyone who could ever have the same effect that he does."
It seems like the bits to solve are:
- Having your closest friend be someone with whom you have nearly no communication
- Fixating on him being the only person who could only have such an effect on you, which only reinforces it being true, since you aren't looking for anyone else to potentially meet this need (you haven't even found and rejected anyone else as not measuring up, since you only sit alone and wonder about yk)
- Acknowledging that one some level this is never going to really solve everything, since you technically have a romantic attachment to someone to whom you are trying to communicate through his girlfriend.
None of these are easy to solve, but trying to solve them and failing would be an improvement.
Just hang in there!
Once you go off to college and get away from your current situation I think it'll get better, just find a gay friendly school. You should start taking school more seriously though, because that's your ticket out.
Focus on your music and your awesome writing instead of this guy that has too many of his own issues and really isn't into you the way you want him to be.
Good thing I'm not going to college!
I have been getting back into music, though, and trying to learn Max for generative sequencing, but it's weird as fuck to learn how to make music with a programming language. As for writing, I haven't really been inspired and everything I write just sounds awkward and forced.