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Dracofangxxx's picture

i keep trying to make friends and hang out with people and they all ditch me

my best friend doesn't even like me

i don't fucking understand what's so bad about me

my sister ruined my graduation by screaming at me and calling me a bitch right after i came out with my diploma

just so much keeps going wrong. i keep applying at places for a job, no job yet.

it's so lonely. every time itry to make new friends ot keep old friends it just blows up in my face. i'm so unimportant, and even a negative in people's lives. i've had multiple tell me that i make their lives negative, that i ruin their lives, that i make them depressed.

i know, you guys have only ever really seen me when i'm depressed or angsty, especially in my teenage years. but i really made a dedication to become a better person, and nothing has paid off.

people don't know or don't care at how much i'm cutting. i mean i have these gashes a centimeter deep, i'm losing so much blood every day. i wish people felt as scared for me as i am. i wish they all cared.

i wish i wasn't me, i wish i was somebody that people remembered and wanted to spend time with and didn't flake out on. i'm trying so fucking hard. i want to die so bad but i'm too fucking scared.

i ask why people treat me like shit. i get told i don't stand up for myself. so i stand up for myself. then those same friends get mad and cut me out oft their lives beacuse they cant handle the responsibility of owning up to their fuckups.

best friend 'cant hnadle my big girl problems, they make her feel depressed and horrible' so icant even tell her when im feeling awful

this is all whiny and i dont care, im just so exhaustted of people

Comments

MacAvity's picture

I'm sorry....

I don't know enough about your situation to say anything but "hang in there," but.... hang in there. Adolescence is tough for everyone, and I sure as hell haven't figured it all out yet, but I'm a lot better off now than I was a year and a half ago, or four years ago, or any number of times in the not-too-distant past. Sometimes the best you can do just isn't enough and there's nothing for it but to wait until it gets better.

Best wishes to you.... and congratulations on graduating, by the way.

elph's picture

I truly empathize…

with your circumstances. I wish I were qualified to offer constructive advice… really! <3

But… I cannot improve on MacAvity's comment.

All I can add is that it deeply saddens me when I see unhappy youth… no matter the reason. It seems it's just a universal bane of adolescence… dunno!

lonewolf678's picture

Well,

I think it's all about rising above the shit that tries to keep you down. No matter how bad shit gets, don't let it. That's fuckin' difficult, but trust me it's the best way to go. In my experience, getting depressed won't do anything, because it's a surrender to the shit. But when I choose not to let it get me down, I make a change, and things can improve.

Sucks that your sister was acting up, just give her time, or not. I got a sis too who can be a real bitch at times, but she's got her life and I got mine, I won't let her shit on my parade.

About your bestie, maybe it's time for a new bestie.

Also I can totally identify with the job thing, I sympathize with you. You just gotta be consistent one of my friends proved to me that it's the right strategy. Just apply, apply, apply until you've applied everywhere.

I would talk about the cutting thing, but I don't know much about it.

jeff's picture

Well...

If you keep getting consistent negative feedback, then some assessment as to what is going on there is probably useful. How did the negativity manifest for them? I mean, if people say those things to you, surely they offered an example or two. And, if you are surprised this assessment, one imagines you'd have asked them how you did such a thing.

People are different, though, and sometimes there just can't be any connection there. When I first moved to NYC, someone from the old days on Oasis introduced me to their friend who also lived here and was a writer, so we did the Facebook thing. And he ended up telling me something similar, and it took me a while to realize that his whole circle of friends were just earnest people who took everything at face value, and didn't make jokes about things. So, there was never going to be any overlap there, even if we looked like obvious potential friends on paper.

If you wish you weren't you, though, who's stopping you from being someone else?

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles