Why I'm tired of cis people

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

So I had to go out shopping this morning. Went for groceries with Yaya. And while we were at Publix I started feeling really dysphoric, and felt like I really needed to get out of there, but I knew I had to stay and help so I did for a while, because we had a fairly short list and we should be out soon and whatnot. But Yaya starts looking for stuff not on the list and I start getting really anxious, and so I ask her if we can try to stick to the list because I'm really uncomfortable; she doesn't know what 'dysphoria' is, and even though I explained it when we got home I still don't think she gets it. But when I asked if we could stick to the list she got so annoyed with me, and kinda angrily asked if I wanted to go out to the car. I said no, because I had to choose food to cook for Veronica. But she was so annoyed at me. And so I spent the whole time at the grocery store feeling like shit and like I wanted to cut off my head because I felt like I hadn't shaved well enough and my bra didn't fit and I looked so stupid and people were staring at me like they were confused and I was so miserable and so angry and so hurt and all Yaya felt was annoyance that I was rushing her through the grocery store because she didn't and couldn't know what I was feeling. And that's why I'm tired of cis people.

It's because they just don't get it.

Every day I go out, and I fear that I don't look enough like a girl. And I'm afraid that if the wrong person sees me, and I don't look enough like a girl, if I look like a fucking tranny, they might kill me.

Cis people? They just don't fucking get it.

Comments

lonewolf678's picture

It's true that cisgender

It's true that cisgender people will find that hard to understand. It's similar to someone white trying to understand what it's like being black. Unrelated but have you ever read Black Like Me? Anyway I know that it's probably difficult to let that bad memory move on, but you need to.

I'm sure there are many bad memories like that one too though. Odds are in this case when the people were looking at you confused it was probably due to facial expressions you might have been making knowingly or not. You looked around to see if they were looking at you, and that's just getting what you didn't want, attention.

For example if I ever look in a direction and it's in someone's peripheral range they'll make eye contact. That's just humans being humans for the most part. I don't think they took the time of day to give any analysis on who you were underneath the clothing. Sorry that happened to you though, I can't imagine how you felt but it reads pretty awful.

Just think, most of those people you might not see again for a while, and I doubt they'll remember you anyway. What do you think?

jeff's picture

Bitch, please...

You can't claim ownership over the word dysphoria. ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

BITCH PLEASE

YA MUST BE SMOKIN ROCKS

lonewolf678's picture

C-C-C-Combo breaker

Obligatory.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Bah

Come off it, fudgepacker. ;3

* * *

And as I stand here, strange and fearful,
beholding heaven at the peak,
I know that to complete my journey
still stranger pastures must I seek.