questioning myself honestly.

Quietwarrior's picture

I have started working full time for the first time at a chemist's, in order to save money over the summer for university, which I am moving to London to study in September. Working so much has definitely changed something inside me, it's a little difficult to describe, but I feel more responsibility, a little bit more sense of myself and when I get back home on my bike, I feel a little tired but do feel happy that I have worked and have not just spent time by myself watching more films, like i do most of my free time.

One thing that has got me thinking a lot when I am working is my colleagues. There are all more or less friendly, some a little bit more than others. But I have been questioning myself on how snobby I am. Ever since my early teens I have always desired an artistic life. I have been pretty much constant in always being ambitious in trying to make the most of my life and what the arts can give to me and above all, what i can do in this field that can make a contribution that is valuable, stimulating and inspiring to myself and others. It's a tall aim I know, but as i have got older (It does sound odd saying this I am still only 19) I have tried sometimes successfully and sometimes not, to use my free time and school time to think, discuss and create more various forms of art and look into much more depth the arts culture, mainly the fashion and film culture, which every single day excites me.

I just don't understand the people, like some of my co-workers who have just settled into jobs that they don't really find stimulating or are using their personal talent to greater gain. However they do it because of the money I mostly believe and the comfortable safety of having a reliable everyday 9-5 monday-friday job. I talked to this with my dad after he asked for what felt like the 100th time "How was work?' and he said about how these people may not have any choice, they may need or have always needed the money and you don't know what circumstances in their life have affected how they have reached where they are now. I do most definitely agree with what he said about people needing the money, however I just don't understand why some people are not ambitious to do what they love, instead they (including my own parents) just live for the weekend and being more happy with the pay check at the end of the month, then the work at hand and working hard to achieve these goals.

However I was thinking about the fact that I am working at a chemist, so my co-workers are making a good contribution in helping sick people. I do see my faults in myself for overlooking how I don't myself appreciate the importance of nurses, doctors and all forms of the medial and emergency industry. Is it selfish of me for wanting an artistic life and judging others who have settled for medico work that does not many express themselves. Or is just coming to terms with the unfortunate and sad truth the some people may never get the work that they yearn for or deserve to be recognised for throughout their life, its just the way that life sometimes turns for some individuals.

I feel like I have not expressed the whole of my thoughts best here, I just felt suddenly this strong desire to write a journal, so please forgive the rambling tone of the text.


jeff's picture


You can only live your life, so they get to live their life based on their choices, and you get to do the same. I do admit it is always compelling to question how people can do things that you wouldn't consider possible, but ultimately that can come across as a elitist, snobby, or that you think you are above them, etc., so it is good to find a way to navigate having different goals and such, while respecting the path others take as well.

On the flip side, artistic life isn't always easy, and at some points, you may also wonder how easy life could be if you were like all of them. If you haven't had that thought hit you yet, it will likely happen at some point. ;-)

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles