There's A Price To Pay When You Disappoint Your Mother

Beau's picture

It's been too long since I've written on here, and the reasons why are real bad.

In my last journal I had the impression that things were going good for me, and they were, but there was a hidden thunderstorm that was about to hit, and I wasn't prepared for it.

Right after I wrote the "Pizza With Dad" journal my family went down to Florida for a weekend getaway, and my parents let my boyfriend Colin come along with us. We stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, with my parents in one room and Colin and I in another.

Everything started out good, with my dad even playing with Colin and I in the pool, and it was fun. Mom wasn't in a good mood though, and that left a cloud hang over us. She just acted like she didn't want to be there, but we couldn't figure out why?

Colin and I still hadn't fooled around, but we were getting more and more daring with what we were doing. That night after dinner we were in bed together in just our undies, and I was rubbing Colin's chest, gradually going lower and lower. We did this all the time, and I would stop my downward movement as soon as he tensed up. This time was different, and he let me go below his undies waistband for the first time.

Colin's just starting to develop, and for the first time I touched the few hairs he was as exciting to me as I guess a straight guy would be doing the same thing to a girl? Then Colin asked me a question that I thought was weird:

"What's a orgasm like?

I was like someone my age asking what ice cream tasted like.

I couldn't answer him at first, only because it hit me that he's never played with himself. He's deeply religious so that makes sense, but it was still weird.

I told him that you get this buildup that feels really good and then when you can't hold it in anymore it feels like you have to pee real bad, then it's just this amazing sensation that hits you.

(Probably the worst description of a male orgasm ever but he got the idea)

We were under covers, and Colin slid his undies down and took them off, then stretched out and put him arms behind his head and told me to go ahead.

I don't want to go into details other then it was delicious and when he came he was LOUD!!!

When he was done I had to use the bathroom, which was tough when a certain body part is ready to be pleasured instead of it's other use. When I went back into the room a few minutes later, Colin was on his stomach sound asleep. It was good it knocked him out!

The next morning I got up and used the bathroom, and Colin was still asleep in the same position he was the night before. By the time I was returned he was sitting on the bed, in his undies, not hiding his morning you know what. He went to the bathroom and when he came back he told me he wanted some cream with his morning get the idea.

It was awkward for him, but he went slow and I didn't last long, and he kept going until I had to have him stop. I was about to reciprocate when there was a knock at the door, and it was my very unhappy mom telling us to get dressed and ready for breakfast.

While we ate she didn't say a word, and it was just so not like her. When she was done she just got up and left, and dad told me that we were a bit loud last night. Damn was that embarrassing.

Colin and I took a shower together for the first time, and when we came out there was a note on the bed with $40 that said they were going shopping and we could buy ourselves lunch. We would be having a late dinner also.

It was raining so we just chillaxed in the hotel room, taking advantage of the in room Keurig coffee maker (we raided the maid's cart for more when they weren't looking!)and watching tv, just like we often do in my bedroom. Colin's starting to really like coffee thanks to me.

We ordered pizza for lunch, and when we heard my parent's were back in their room I went over to see them...they didn't say anything to me, and they didn't have any shopping bags either. My mom looked at me like she was about to hit me, and that's a look I've only seen a few times. It's scary as Hell too. Dad came over to me and told me we could order room service, and that mom wasn't feeling too good.

I know he was lying to me.

On the ride home it was silence, but Colin and I put our ear buds in and listened to music the whole way. We've been sharing CD's and we both like a lot of the same bands, and we've introduced each other to new music too.

Then it got weird. Mom had dad drop her off first and take in her stuff while dad had us wait in the car, then he drove over to Colin's house. He got out and told Colin's mom how great he was and that he would be welcome so do the same with us in the future. Colin and I went into his room, kissed and made plans for the next day.

As soon as we were out of the driveway, dad's mood changed. he drove in the opposite direction of our house, parking at the marina we often go to.

I thought maybe we were stopping to get something to eat, and when I opened the door dad told me to close it. He had his head down, and he grabbed my left hand and squeezed it really tight. I had a feeling about what he was going to say, but when the words came out of his mouth I had a hard time believing it.

"Your mother and I are getting a divorce"

This made no sense. They had always seemed happy, they spent lots of time together, no fighting.

"Why?", I asked.

He put his arm around me, and without looking up told me that mom couldn't accept that Michael and I are gay, and she even more pissed that he was accepting it. They had been fighting secretly over it since my brother came out, and when they realized I was gay too it got ugly.

"Beau", he said, "I love you more than life. You are what you are, you can't change it, you can't be something you're not. You can't live a lie."

We were both crying, and then dad told me that he and mom had some great times together, but because she refuses to accept Michael and I for what we are that he couldn't stay married to her anymore.

We just sat there for a long time, the only sound was the engine running and the A/C whirling, and then we drove home.

Mom's car was gone when we got home, and walked with dad into the house. I saw the note on the kitchen counter first and read it, and fell onto my knees crying. Dad read it and pulled my up off the ground and held me, saying over and over how much he loved me, and that none of this was my fault.

Along with the note, she had left her house keys, her engagement and wedding rings, and the charms bracelet that I had given her for Mother's Day.

I don't want to repeat what the note said except for the postscript:

I'm giving you full custody of the little can keep him!!!

I'm beyond hurt right now, but it's getting better every day. I'm lucky to be surround my people that love me, but losing the one who should love me the most is beyond words.

This was brutally hard to write, but I think I'll be on here more now? I didn't think I would ever be able to write this but now I have, and it's helps.



Quietwarrior's picture


I hope you know and I get the impression you do when I read this, that you should not feel guilty for what has unfortunately happened to your parents. I have had fights with my mum about my sexuality, but I could not imagine what I would have gone through if i was in your shoes. Hope you are feeling better, on a more personal note when I ever I am having a bad time I try and create something, mostly taking photographs as that is my main interest. Maybe you could do something creative to express some of your emotions, it can be a really cathartic experience, it has been for me.

Beau's picture

I don't feel guilty but I

I don't feel guilty but I have to take some of the blame. I mean if I was straight none of this would have happened.

Right now I'm playing my drum more than I usually do, it helps me get out my frustrations.


jeff's picture


If sexuality is genetic, isn't she half to blame?!

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

jeff's picture


Just remember that you also learned just how amazing your Dad was at the same time...

Also, you didn't disappoint your mother near as much as she disappointed you.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Beau's picture

My dad is awesome, he's

My dad is awesome, he's always been. the funny thing is my mom and I were always close, she'd sometimes pick me up from school just to go get something to eat and talk.

Now she could care less about me. She more than disappointed me, she's destroyed my faith that she would always love me. That hurts more than I can put into words right now.

And, Jeff, thank you so much for all you do and have done with Oasis!!!! You're an example of what a great person should be : )


lonewolf678's picture

What Jeff said,

You aren't the disappointment, she is.

Also about the sharing CD's, I had no idea anyone other than my friends and I still did that. CD's just seem like ancient technology now since most people do file sharing. lol

I hope that CD thing at least made you laugh.

Beau's picture

Colin and I share CD's all

Colin and I share CD's all the time, and I do the same with some of my friends. It's a way of checking out new bands and sharing favorites without spending any money!

I also like looking at the liner notes and lyrics in the CD's case (if they have them?).