Jack Frost

January 2000

My Life

I am going to use a fake name because I have not yet come out and don't want someone to find this article and make my coming out an even more difficult experience.

I am male, 18 years old and live in San Antonio, Texas. I am gay. I have not told anyone except some people on the Internet and a close friend who lives miles and miles away in Michigan. Since I realized I was gay, I have felt a hole begin to form within myself. I long for a companion; I see couples walking in the hall at school and think to myself why can't I be like them, normal.

Then I think to myself, I am normal, just not normal for a person my age in a conservative area at a high school filled with hicks and Christians, who hate people like me. The hole doesn't stop there. I feel like I am leaving people out of my real life. I wish I could tell people about myself but they have said things that pierce my soul. They talk about how dirty gay people are, how sick they are, and they should burn in hell. They tell gay jokes and spread rumors about what gays do to little children. This all hurts me and makes my hole even bigger.

I have known all of my life I was different but just did not know how or why. Then one day when I was in 7th grade, it hit me. I was not attracted to girls but to men. My fantasies changed, now they involved men. I knew I was different and had a hard time making guy friends. I have always had a lot more girl friends. Guys talked about me behind my back. I had a girl friend during my eighth grade year. I thought to myself: I can be normal now. I will finally be accepted. It was a lie and I knew it. I just wanted to be accepted. Not having someone to talk to, not being able to tell people, and know that you are different and society doesn't like your kind has made a hole form with in myself. This hole makes it difficult for me to want to come out right now. I want this hole to go away but I am too afraid to close it and step out into my new and honest life.

Jack Frost

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