oasis
columns


Jason Lyons

January 2000

Hello, everyone...where do I start, it seems so strange to be writing an article. Well, as you saw just before getting to this page, my name is Jason. I was 22 when I began writing with the other Oasis staff and now I have matured to the ripe age of 25...wow! By the Goddess, the past ten years have flown by at an amazing clip and so much has happened. My head spins in giddy reflection of all that has transpired. Would you like a nut shell view of what I refer to? Sit back and grab the popcorn...

At fifteen I recognized that something in life was amiss. I was being taught to hate others that were (supposedly) different than myself. I was being taught that my beliefs put me at a level above everyone else, and that I was to be their shepherd. An awful lot to weigh on the mind of a fifteen-year-old. Talk about delusions of grandeur. Realizing things were amiss I left the environment on a dead run screaming in fright. A few years after (a few years that involved very dark depression and horrific angst...) I discovered this intriguing person within that wanted to experience the world in a way he never had. So, at the age of nineteen I started experiencing life from the perspective of a child in the world of a college student...wow talk about a head rush.

During this time I came to terms with a sixteen-year-old secret, began admitting that I was just as attracted to guys as I was girls, and I became engaged. That last part, the engagement, threw everything off kilter. Over the following year, the engagement was severed off with no possibility of recovery, My mother died, and the child ran back to hide in a safe warm place within. The darkness and depression came back for about a year, and then after no longer finding the tomb within sustaining to life, he crawled back out, slightly healed and with a steel wall for protection that no one would be able to get through. Well anyone that has experienced what I just described knows that it is impossible to experience life through a steel box. Now I sit before my computer, writing these words and I am surrounded by only fragments of that steel box. Just a few pieces here and there that need picking up and throwing away.

I am entering a new promotion after the new year, the friendships and loved ones that I never thought I would have are here, with me right now, and I'm beyond appreciative for them. Those that couldn't handle me, the me I am and not the me they were holding out for me being, have fallen to the wayside. What can I say, misery loves company and the sun on my side of the planet was shining too bright.

I think back to those dark moments and wonder how it is I survived. It was pure determination and a desire to not be beaten. I had a taste of what life could be and I fed off that for years. Misery, hatred, unhappiness...these are things that will exist only if we accept them in our lives. There are so many options for life, so many ways of taking that flame and turning it into a bon fire. My bisexuality is just one of my uniqueness now, not the black hole of my existence. I still have days that I wake and question whether or not I have to get out of bed. But it's nice now, that I ask it because I have so much going on and NOT because I don't want to take the risk of finding something to do.

Now I go into the new millennium with so much ahead of me, no longer gazing at the light at the end of the tunnel from a distance, but rather have broke out of that tunnel and basking in its glow. I have a sign on my desk at work that says "it is better to be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not" I keep this sign there as a reminder of what I have came away from and all the growing I have ahead of me.

If you find yourself trapped, looking for that light at the end of the tunnel...ask for help, there is undoubtedly someone around you that is willing to help you. If you haven't reached the trusting point to ask this of someone, then write about what you are going through, whether for Oasis or just for yourself. Get the feelings bottled up within, out to air. I breathe freely everyday with the knowledge that there is no need to feel ashamed for what I feel or for who I am. Explore the possibility of feeling that same way if you don't already.

Jason
bluedolphinchild@yahoo.com


About the Author
©1995-2000 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.