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Tucker Potter

January 2000

People hide their true feelings, their true selves, and to an extent there souls; for fear of rejection, persecution, or ridicule. In a way it's an act of self-preservation, but at the same time it's exclusion which neither helps nor fixes anything. If people don't express their true feelings they forget what their true feelings are. If people hide who they really are their soul will begin to lose its individuality. A soul needs to live, to see, to breath, if you don't "free" your soul it suffocates, fades away, you lose who you are. If society could think as one race the same as an individual person thinks couldn't things be accepted? Couldn't people and their souls live, breathe, and just be free? But no, we are judgmental, unruly, full of hate and disgust. And why? To hide what we feel, to hide who we are, so other people won't dislike us. But everyone is doing the exact same thing; and it has a price - people, such as myself, suffocate their souls and forget what they are, who they are, and become disgusted with themselves.

I forgot who I was, and am still trying to be myself. I have no one to fear, or hate but still I hide, I make reasons to hate. My soul needs to live, and the main thing souls need to live, is to be loved. But I am too afraid to let it be cared for by someone. I'm too afraid they will pass judgement, or dislike me for who I am - inside or out. And the reason why I hate? The reason why I'm so afraid? Because I was so busy growing up hiding what I was, I had no time to learn how to do anything but how to be afraid, and how to hate.

People can accept who and what I am, but I can't, I just hate who I am, and what I am. I am not attractive physically, or mentally. I am a FAG. I have low tolerance for immaturity. I am impatient and demanding, come from a poor family, and am extremely stubborn. Until I stop hating who I am there is no way I'll be capable of the task of letting in love, or showing love. Even if I could show love, Who do I have to show it to? I have no real life friends that I can express physical love, as in hugging, kissing, or even deeper forms. I have my family, but they weren't there for me to love for the majority of my life, and the ones I would show it to are now distant mentally as well as physically. And some can't accept me for who I am.

One sister cannot tolerate people knowing I am gay, it irritates, stresses out, and to a point sickens her. My father whom has not seen nor spoken to me in over a year would be outraged and sickened and would disown me (which it seems he has already done even though he has no knowledge of my sexuality). My old friends or the ones who know) were happy, and even upset I didn't tell them sooner. The others who do not know are gay bashers. They have made numerous remarks having to do with the sickness and worthlessness of homosexual males (making no slanderous remarks of females) in front of me. Some of their remarks from over a year ago remain etched in my mind and as I recall them and wonder why I ever had them as friends. Or why I never spoke up.

But the answer is always the same, I am lonely, and in need of care. And like most people I look in all the wrong places. But as of today, I have a mother whom understands what I feel, and most important -- who I do not want to be. I have carried so much anger and fear inside me that it is remarkable. Most people my age have yet to ponder the things I have conquered, the thoughts I have conceived and the feelings I yearn. I have learned through a dear friend that if you do not have a family who you can lean on, you have nothing. Friends are wonderful but if you don't have a family who can you turn to when you need emotional support.

Such as a problem which I recently encountered of being used and thrown away. Thrown away supposedly because the guy was not ready for a serious relationship, but I have no way of being certain. I was dumped the day after I met him in person after spending the night at his house. When I got home, and he returned home from dropping me off, we talked and he said he was sorry but it wasn't going to work. I have my own theory about this though, I believe that as sweet as he may have been, as beautiful inside as I thought he was, he was a mere shallow, materialistic ass who thinks he I am not good enough for him because of my lack of good looks, lack of money, or lack of potential as a sexual partner.

When this happened, I leaned on a friend, but I needed family there more, I needed someone physically there to hold me and comfort me. And he helped me realize that. I therefore started the reconciliation process with my family. I took the first step and admitted I need them, and that I feared what I may become if I did not change. In January of this year I tried to take my life for the second time. I failed thankfully and have matured and sworn to never do that again. But it was important that I tried to end it otherwise I would have never realized who I had become inside. I was an angry, sad, and lonely person inside. Outside I had friends and a family that didn't know who I was.

My friends liked who they thought I was, not who I really am. My family loved who I was out of obligation, but cursed me all the same, but some are accepting the new me and loving that I can be true to myself, and true to them. I have cried myself to sleep for the last time, from now on I will never cry alone, only with someone. My eldest sister told me that crying is futile if you are doing it alone, you make no headway. But if you cry with someone - anyone - even a dog, someone who knows you and cares. Although a dog may not understand your feelings totally, they know who YOU are, and love you for yourself. And in the end resistance to your true feelings will either cause loneliness, self hatred, and hatred of others who attempt to near themselves to you, or already are close you, or lunacy.

You push people away so far that after awhile you adapt to being alone, and when you sicken of it, and all you want is care, love, and support. It is so hard to bring your feelings back out and nurture your bonds back into healthy relationships. But if you do not at least attempt it you are fooling yourself into thinking you will survive, you will make do. And loneliness is the soul companion of a suffering soul, a soul that isn't living, seeing, breathing, or BEING.

Tucker
rangae@yahoo.com


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