February 2000

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. I chose to write about the love of my life. Well, the loves of my life, my friends. Those fabulous people who seem to always be around for me. Listen to me, I learned this the hard way: If people can't accept you for who you are, instead of who they'd like you to be, they were never your friends. I wish everyone in the world friends like mine. There are none better.

You know what I wonder every once in awhile? Where I'd be without my true friends, where I'd be without the people that make me feel like I'm needed, I'm important, the people that help me feel alive.

So consider this dedicated to those who have made me cry, made me feel like dirt under their feet when I needed to, to those who picked me up when I fell, to those who kicked me down there in the first place because otherwise I'd never realize how dumb I was being. This is to the people who make me feel like I'm flying, like I'm flying so high I'll never fall. This is to those who when I think I'm walking alone tap my shoulder to remind me that they're here. To those who accept me, no matter who I am.

"If you should die before me ask if you can bring a friend."

To my dear friend the Fool-who has put up with my shit for the past three years, and even when my own nature turned me against her, because I couldn't accept alot about myself-even then she didn't push me away. When I finally realized how far I had distanced myself, she pulled me back again. This is to my dear friend who supports me even if I can't support myself.

"I can be myself-how 'bout you? I'll be the rain fallin' on your fire escape..."

This is for my Fuzzy Orange Journal Buddy-who forces me to remember I don't have to save everyone, and who taught me that when I'm convinced I'm saving someone else, I'm really helping to save myself. This is to my friend who as of recently serves as my muse, who understands why I need to stop and find a pen and paper randomly. This is for my friend who hates conflict as much as I do, who is proud of herself, and makes me proud of me. This is for my friend who keeps me sane.

"Sometimes you'll picture me, I'm walking too far ahead, you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said... you've said, go slow... I fall behind... If you're lost, you can look, and you will find me, time after time."

This is for the Trophy-who can actually stand me for long periods of time. Who comes to me and vents, and doesn't seem to realize that she's helping me too. This is for the one who lights up my life with laughter and doesn't worry about the consequences of making a jerk out of herself with me. This is for the one who shares the martian crack, who knows that I love her, and who always sings to me, and loves IHOP. This is for the one who makes it easier to fall asleep when she's here. This is the one who saves me from my confusion and reminds me of who I am.

"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cuz I don't think that they'd understand, when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..."

This is for the one who knows who I am, and understands me anyway. She puts up with my tales of falling in love every five minutes, she understands when I feel like no one else does. This is the one who won't catch me for days, but in the end catches me up on the goings on over dinner. This is for the one who just gets it. This if for the one who just always seems to understand.

"I'm going out for a walk, so I can get high with my friends..."

This for the Wrestlers, that charming duo who pop up in my life long enough to teach me how to have fun again when I need it the most. These are the two guys who have amazing levels of testosterone, but still manage to be incredibly sweet and fun to be with. They are saviours of their own kind. They are amazing; loving people who should be recognized as such-god knows I do. And thank god for their presence, they've made me laugh when I wanted to cry.

"No time to search the world around, 'cuz you know where I'll be found, when I come around..."

This is for the Black Man-the one who feels so underappreciated. The one who makes my days brighter, and sometimes makes the weight on my shoulders lighter. He is a lovable guy who makes everyone around him love him. He's fun to be around, but he can be serious. He's like a confessional, he knows the deepest and some of the darkest of the secrets. And he maintains them with the greatest of ease. One day, my friend, some nice individual will see what an amazing, sexy guy you are.

"When I first saw you, I already knew, there was something inside of you, something I thought that I'd never find, Angel of mine."

This is to my Angel-my walker, my talker, my love, my life. Sometimes, he sums up all of the laughter in my life. When I'm sitting beside him, I'm sitting beside a wonderful friend. He helps me run away when I can't stand here anymore. He helps me be me. He is the best guy on the planet, even if he refuses to show everyone.

"Your mother never cared for me, but did she ever say a prayer for me?... Only the good die young!"

And this is for my Master of Ceremonies-this is for the one who helps me through whatever I'm feeling because he knows what to do. He knows what music to play, what to say, what to do, how to make me better. He's one of the few who can deal with me when cranky, and he's one of the most amazing guys I've ever met. If only he could convince himself of that... If only I could convince him of that.

Songs that kind of sum it all up:

"You've got a fast car, is it fast enough so we can fly away? We gotta make a decision, leave tonight or we can die this way. So remember when we were driving, driving in your car, speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk... and I, had a feeling like I belong, I, had a feeling that I could be someone, be someone."

"Lying here with you, listening to the rain, smiling just to see, the smile on your face, these are the moments, I thank God that I'm alive, these are the moments, I'll remember all my life, I found all I waited for, and I could not ask for more. Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need, everything you are, is everything to me, these are the moments, I know HEaven must exist, these are the moments, I know all I need is this, I have all I waited for, and I could not ask for more. I could not ask for more than this time together, could not ask for more than this time with you, and every prayer has been answered, and every dream has come true, yeah right here in this moment, is right where I'm meant to be, here with you, here with me..."

"...In your picturebook I'm trying hard to see, turning endless pages of this tragedy, sculpting every move you compose a symphony, I plead to everyone see the art in me, see the art in me..."

Okay, in order, the artists borrowed from are: Stone Temple Pilots, Still Remains; Fastball, Fire Escape; Cyndi Lauper, Time After Time; Goo Goo Dolls, Iris; Feeder, High; Green Day, When I Come Around; Monica, Angel of Mine; Billy Joel, Only The Good Die Young; Tracy Chapman, Fast Car; Edwin McCain, Could Not Ask For More; Jars of Clay, See The Art In Me.

PS-Sorry I've been gone, I just had alot of stuff to do for awhile. Back now. Love you. Write me! I'm here! I love mail! Weee!!! s1mulation@aol.com

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