February 2000

Deciding I was gay (Coming out, to myself)

When I began to think about it, I realize that it never really meant much. It was like looking at a nice painting, you would think, that's pretty, but not much else. I would look at a girl, think, "oh she's cute", but the brain to penis connection was never really completed, that is until I started to think about guys. When it first hit me, "hey wait a second, he's cute!", It really shocked me, because I always had this dream, to get married, have kids, live happily ever after.... And now what.... I like other boys! Well this was nothing short of a dilemma, I mean how could I ever go out if I didn't like the girl.

So that's when it hit me, just don't, don't go out, don't like girls. And wow, I mean wow, with a little realization like that, I succeeded in stopping myself from ever even thinking about sex or a boyfriend, or girlfriend from when I started puberty at about 10, until late 13. And then, I think it happened, I started to think about it again, you know, maybe, just maybe I might just possibly be gay. But wait, no, that's impossible, if I was gay, I'd go through the hell I went through in elementary school, back to where I was an outcast, and no one said a word to me.

Back to where life really sucked. So I tucked it away, at least the idea that I was gay, but this time, the part of liking guys lingered. I started to look at different boys in my school, started to um.... Well I learned to type real well with one hand, and I started to get giddy at times. And yet, life still sucked, cause I still couldn't have a girlfriend, and I couldn't tell anyone, and well you get the picture. So I finished out Jr. High, and started HS, well, then things really took off.


No, I'm not that mean, I won't make you wait to hear the good part. Ok, so I just started high school, and I go to the first dance, it's nice, the decorations (or lack of them) really suck, and the music is too loud, but one thing really weird happened, this girl, we'll call her Jenny, from my English class, told me she liked me! I thought to myself, OH SHIT, now what!? I've avoided girls for this long, and now, one is coming on to me! Well I panicked, and it really screwed me, because what I said when she said she liked me, was that I liked her too! I guess I was really not thinking, cause she then asked if I wanted to go out with her and to that I also agreed! Well, this was not good; this was really not good. Here I was, a freshman, gay, dating another freshman, a girl, who was straight, or so I assumed, and she didn't know!

Well this went on, we saw a few movies, never kissed except on the cheek, which was really still awkward, and so, a week before winter break, I told her, "Jenny, I don't think we should keep seeing each other, I need to figure some things out for myself." I don't know if she got the message, I think she did, but now, we aren't going out anymore. And then it got more complicated, well, it had been more complicated for a while while we were going out, cause a friend of Jessie's and mine, we'll call her Chelsea, who came out to me, yeah, she told me she was bi, which started to get me thinking, maybe I could be gay, maybe it could work. So then, she tells me about Outlet, this group she goes to, a GBLTQ group (Gay, Bi, Lesbian, Trans. Queer, and Questioning) youth group, and well, I tell her, that I might be gay, and she goes crazy, but in a good way. Just a bit excited.

Well then I tell her I'm gonna start going to the group, and then, when the day comes, I don't go, and she's really disappointed, it was just too much right then. But after I broke up with Jenny, things became a bit easier, and I decided to go, and I actually went. I was disappointed that it was just the three people, me, Chelsea, and the moderator, but we had fun, ate stale junk food, and watched, "and the band played on" a very good movie about the AIDS epidemic. Well, after that, I knew I wanted to go back, and so, I did. The next meeting had a few more people, 9, 3 moderators, 5 other people, and me. I really had a great time, things went really well, I met this really nice guy from one of the local Jr. High's, and we had a nice talk. I can't wait until the next meeting, (2 days!) and I really hope this gets published, even though it is a bit long.

If you have any complaints, or compliments, or just want to write me for one reason or another, my email is soren9580@pacbell.net, and for those of you who want to chat, that, (soren9580) is also my Yahoo username, and my AOL username, and my ICQ nickname, but don't be surprised if I never log on, because I just don't. Well, I think that's about it, and yes, this was my first article, but I didn't want it to sound that way. To everyone who will read this, thanks, and I hope I can write something good for next month,


About the Author
©1995-2000 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.