February 2000

Hi. My name is Dave, and I'm a chronic gay guy. I've got it bad. For guys, that is. And I don't know why. I have no clue. Anyone out there know? Is it genetics? I wasn't abused or introduced to anything homo-orientated as a youngster, have two opposite sex normal parents and like action movies, bands like Rage, NIN, and the Smashing Pumpkins. So I don't fit into the "cause" of homosexuality.

I do, however, house a lot of anger, which I vent on my family a little, and in writing a little, but mostly in myself. Oh, just for reference, my reference actually, I am a regular writer for Oasis Arts & Entertainment section. Under my name and the My Island With Kyle stuff. I wrote my first story in August and started again in October I think. I should have the next part in this month's issue. Check it out, if ya got some time.

Well, I'll describe a little about myself and history with this whole sexuality thing. Wanna learn more about me personally? Ah, I'll save it for later. I have some clippings from an email message I wrote to someone I was trying to get to know recently that will work and save my some typing.. This guy has a boyfriend and after reading what he wrote about being with the guy I wrote this back to him:

"What you talk about sounds so incredible, exactly how I picture things. God, I'm always picturing. I think about a relationship, not even sex, just someone that could've been lying next to me tonight watching that movie (I had just come from watching a movie with a couple of friends, those friends being a couple themselves.), all the time. It's dangerous for me to even be around a couple while their intimate (watching a movie, talking, whatever) because it reminds me so much what I'm missing in life and depresses me constantly. As for relationships and me go? Had a girlfriend for like three weeks, broke up with her, nothing ever since. I french kissed her once and the only thing I felt during that kiss was her teeth clacking with mine, and the taste of burger king, the place she works and obvious to her appearance eats a lot. I hated her by the time we broke up, but not her exactly, but rather myself to an extent. The fact that I couldn't like her even one bit, I felt nothing towards her. Her being the type I'd never even be friends with didn't help much. I felt bad for leading this poor (although two-faced, ugly hearted and bitchy) girl was going out with someone who was gay. I didn't think I was then, thought it was a phase, it would go away, but it was around there I started realizing it. We don't choose to be this way at any given time, we either slowly realize it over time, or suddenly like a flash of lightning. I was in denial for quite some time, thanks to modern hateful America."

Like I said before, I don't know why I am the way I am. I don't know why the switch is flipped the other way (notice I didn't say "wrong way") and I have no idea why I don't get an instant erection every time I see Jennifer Lopez. I don't find the female body particularly attractive. I think it's flabby, flimsy maybe, and too .... feminine. And the pussy... well, I just don't like it. Eating a girl out sounds nasty, but giving head sounds... interesting. And then there's the guys. Just something about them, the voices, the way they pal around, the stronger muscular more "complete" bodies, the short hair, the more angular faces, I really don't know, I just like it.

Where am I on relationships, then? Ok...

So far I've had maybe 4 or 5 girls start to seriously look into me so far this year. What can I say? I'm on the large side, but I dress well, look good, talk easy, and flirt like hell. Not serious flirting, but friendly stuff that could be interpreted as more. That's the funny stuff, I can talk to girls like there's no tomorrow but straight guys get all sweaty and nervous around em, it's funny. Every one of those girls I have in some way rejected. I've had an ok excuse for every one, except one so far. This one is a possibility I'd be stupid... or just plain gay... to refuse. People really have looked at me funny when I haven't jumped at one or two of these people, and always ask if I'm always complaining about not having someone, then why won't I try to find someone? I tell em I'm waiting for the right person... little do they know I've been looking for awhile, just not where they'd understand. There are NO out or even suspected gay people at our school, except for the occasional unfortunate lispy straight person.

The odd thing is, I've considered dating one or two of these people. They're really nice girls. Fun to be around, and I know when they're attractive, I just don't think of them sexually, or get a funny feeling or anything when they're around. And I know it makes them either get pissed at me or tear themselves up wondering why I'm not into them, AND THAT MAKES ME MAD. Why can't they know why, why can't they understand, why can't others be ok with me so I don't have to tear myself down every night because I KNOW so many guys that DON'T LIKE ME THAT WAY. I'm not a player, I'm not a flirt, I'm not an ass who thinks he's too good for all these girls, I'm just a fag, leave me alone. But I can't say that to people. Because being gay here is dangerous to your health, not recommended by my doctor, damnitt. So where am I on relationships? Completely, whole heartedly, absolutely positively screwed.

Now, when I wrote that last part it was a few days ago, now it's later. Something happened last night... I didn't expect it to, I never even thought of it, but it happened. I started getting on to my dad because he said something to my sister about how it was her fault I was alienated from the rest of the family. He apologized later I found, but I didn't let go, I ended up freaking out, and they wanted to know what was with me, why I had so much anger. They started naming off different problems, girl problems, drugs, sex, and finally my mom came across sexual orientation. I froze, she freaked me out. I told them to wait, I had to take leave and talk to someone for a sec. I came back and told them everything. How did they take it? Well, hmm. Very well is what comes to mind. A little on the disbelieving side, but I can understand that. I didn't believe it myself until about a year ago. They want me to see a counselor, but not because I'm gay, but rather because I have so much anger inside. Which is true, and I accept it.

So I'm here, still alone... my mom actually sympathized with me saying something like "I can see how lonely you must be," and of course after that I started crying and such. It was a very relieving night. Things are a little awkward now, but getting better. But back to being alone...

I don't know what to do. I see these boys every day at school I want to get to know better, to hug and all, and I can't even try with any of them. It's like the closing to that message I wrote, the guy has someone, and he talked to me about him. They've been together a year and a half. What I heard was like music, everything I ever wanted in someone. Or in myself. Anyway, here it is.

"Jesus, a whole year and a half... your so friggin lucky, know that? Because right now, instead of feeling so high, you could be cold, alone, sitting in your room and realizing every second there's no one else there, no one but you really. Because friends are just that. Oh, I've got plenty of good ones, but you can't hug them quite as much as you wanna hug someone, you can't cuddle or hold or study or smile or kiss or screw or even be too close to. Touch is such a wonderful thing but wasted and almost useless on the self. God I'd pay a hundred bucks right now just to hold someone I know wanted to hold me back for the same reasons. Take care of what you got, it's, as my friend said one night while drunk about this couple leaving a party I threw,

"It's Golden."

So all you out there who have boyfriends or have dated.. or even are out and have that sort of freedom.. don't complain because he's not exactly what you want. Remember all those out there who have no one, those who live in fear, surrounded daily by hate and disgust with something they have to hide because of what others think. Who disconnect from their family, church, and sometimes friends because of it. I'm included in this bunch, and this bunch is who I sympathize with, and whom I try to write for. I offer no hope except maybe some fantasy in the stories I write, which are as much for me as you. I only truly offer you the fact that from this magazine, from the other articles and mine, that you are not as alone as it feels, there are others like you. One day I plan to have a much better life than this, I know it will happen, it just has to, because I decided it's going to.

Enjoy your day, night, and whatever else. Because while we're all waiting for that better life we might as well have fun. Talk to ya later,


Email me with comments, suggestions, and thoughts at neonet@ctlnet.com

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