February 2000

People suck.

It's been said before and I just said it again. ARRRGGGGG!!!!!!

I am getting so sick and tired of the negativity surrounding being gay, as if people aren't intelligent enough and can't find better insults, they insist on saying stuff like you're so gay, and your such a fag and jumping back anytime anything slightly homo (hey, I can say it) occurs.

In my computers class (only guys btw), every single insult to anyone is based on being gay, the teacher does it too, I feel like jumping up and yelling 'fuck you' fol-lowed by dramatically storming out. Even my friends if someone looks at me the wrong way will say something like, "they think you're gay" thinking its funny and a bit insulting. Wouldn't they feel like jack asses if I told em there? And at the movie store, I wanted to rent A Midsummers Night Dream (Rupert Everett….mmmmm), but the guy behind the counter and my mom are like, "oh its too fairy like, people prancing around…", What if I want to see a fairy movie? Would it be so bad???? Now I have to see some dumb jean claude van damme movie, ugh.

I just don't understand………and people wonder why I'm bitter.

Anyway, I saw the movie An Ideal Husband. It was really good, it also stars Rupert Everett (My Best Friend's Wedding , Midsummers Night Dream), who even though is almost 40 and way to old to be drooling over, is really gorgeous (es-pecially his accent) and from what I read today (did a little research on the net) is gay too (I love it when things turn out like that, hehe). Yep another guy to add to my list, hehe. So if you want, go out and rent it.

On January 27 exams start for me, so I'm in great shape to be doing that. As of now, I'm getting shit grades, like my 23% in math, which totally screws me over for physics which I need next year and for any possible career in the computer hard-ware field. Grrrrrr….. I also am only getting a 69 in computer programming, I know I could be getting 100 in the class but I just have no…no…..umph! anymore. And to top it off I did a little questionnaire thingy which told me I could possibly be a manic depressant with attention deficit disorder, that would explain a lot.

Also, my friend Melissa who happens to be the only person who I'm out to, seems really agitated recently, I don't know if it's just around me, but it's really put-ting a damper on things. I know I'm kind of annoying (only kind of) and sometimes cruel in a funny joking way but…..I don't know, I just don't have anyone to talk to which puts me back in the mental/emotional phase I was in last year which really gets me depressed.

I hate this, this disgusting shadow that I seem to always be standing in, makes me feel sick and I can't seem to find enjoyment in anything I used to like anymore…….

Well, I won't bore you anymore,


E-Mail me at jackmcfarel@hotmail.com

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