The winds of change have come in, and turned the light to gray, the warmth to frozen loneliness, and the smiles into bitter memories. It's hard being alone after being with someone at all hours of the day for what seemed like forever. It's strange lying in bed at night with just my thoughts, but I fill them with hope and the excitement of living life without worrying about someone else.
I am the Activities and Philanthropy chair for the Bi, Gay, Lesbian, Alliance at Drake (BGLAD), am on the public relations committee for Alpha Phi Omega (a community service fraternity), am a member of the Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship on campus, I work, and we can't forget about school... but I still find time to wonder about how life would be if I had someone to share it with. I probably wouldn't even have time for someone, but I can't help but want someone...or at least have the thought of someone to motivate me.
Unfortunately, this time around I began to like a guy who has been in a 2 year relationship. We workout all the time together, and well we flirt a lot. It's just so confusing for me, because I'm really not used to flirting and all this emotional substance. I really like him, but I know he loves his boyfriend. I know it would probably be a mess if we ever did date, and yet I think of him. I could think of so many reasons why I like him...the way he smiles, he can cook, and I love the way he sings, the way he eats, and he actually asks me to sing.. three big things on my list :~) I figure nothing will come of us, and it's probably for the best. I just wonder sometimes if there really is anyone out there for me. I really do believe it's probably best, for myself at least, to not be in a relationship, but sometimes being surrounded by couples can be very lonely.
One of the most difficult things is having to watch the guy you like kiss his boyfriend in front of you. I didn't know if I was jealous though, or if I just wanted to have something they shared. All I knew at the time was how little and stupid I felt. I don't know what I previously thought was between them..hehe, but to actually see them together hurt me a little.
It's confusing to try and just deal with life when you have friends telling you you're horrible for even liking someone's boyfriend, that I just want him so I can compete with someone "taken," and others tell me to go for him. I just wanna be successful in school, but then why do I think about having someone? Why do I have to have someone to feel complete? I tell myself it's not a big deal to like a tall, dark, muscular guy for I'm most definitely not the only one.
In time he will just be a past crush, and I will wander elsewhere. I just want to reach a point where I understand I am more important than any handsome man that gives me the time of day.
So, here I am. Whispering to no one in my dorm room, holding nothingness in my arms, and realizing it's nice having a bed to myself. Maybe I am strong enough after all, and who knows.... perhaps I can face the ugly Iowa winter alone. It's time to just realize love is alluring, yet complicated and painful... and well, I just don't need anything else to take from my "me time" right now. So, what's the moral of this story? It's nice having someone, but it's ever so more beautiful to be who you've always wanted to be..and having fun reaching that point.
Joshua Michael Scanlan