February 2000

A Ponder

Maybe it's the Valentine's Day idea kicking in early so I could write a column. Maybe it's the reflection over last year and how I acted toward others. My mind has been on love again. I thought about how I lost my virginity.

There was this guy in my College Algebra freshman year. He had a nice personality and all. It wasn't until weeks later, I found out he was gay. In fact, he was the first gay person I had met. So naturally, I was attracted and curious. I wondered how he felt about it. After years of not knowing another gay guy, soaking up knowledge and experiencing all that being gay could offer seem in reach. There had been one day when he was working on a project. I was along just to hang around.

We were sharing past history, and I was wondering what kissing was like. I was curious about sex that day. Eventually, we winded up back in his room. We talked about music, television, class. We sat on the bed and just talked. His head was on my lap. I was looking down at him. He looked at me and said that if I wanted to do anything, that it would have to be my decision and the first move would have to be mine.

Confusion struck. I just always thought I would lose my virginity to someone I love. I assumed it would be with Matt if anyone. Here I was with someone who wanted to have sex with me. Idealism clashed with what was in front of me. We did it. Why? I don't know. Maybe I was sick of hoping Matt would notice me as something more than a friend. Part of me was probably curious about what sex was like. Part of me probably thought this guy would want a relationship. Of course, he just ignore me the next week. Love is when two people like each other supposedly.

With the new year coming along with Valentine's Day, I just wonder if there is any place for me on the love's boat.

Send emails to aob999@goplay.com


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