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Schell

February 2000

Too Much Rain Over Paradise

Well since I wrote my last column (I forget which month it was) A lot again has always happened. Heh more has happened between me and C. (the guy I met at the rave). All I have to say is that ecstasy makes you fall in love with someone really quick (I'll explain later).

One of the things I wanted to touch on is my recent DJ adventures, which have been not necessarily few and far between. In late November I was made a rotating resident DJ at the 4th Dimension night club here in Saskatoon. So far I've rotated from Saturday to Wednesday and now Thursday nights. *laugh* I guess when you are a rave DJ you kinda tend to take whatever you can get. Anyhow, this was the first residency I've had since Club Lux in February of 99. In December I also put together a rave here in Saskatoon along with the rest of Gatekeeper called Exodus. Part of the reason I called it Exodus was to signify the move from 1999 into the year 2000. The party had been in the works since June, after Diversity. Many things came up in the meantime. Things with me and C. were swerving to different places. We continued to spend time together and chat via phone/ICQ and e mail. But the feelings were beginning to boil in my. On Halloween I knew what I wanted, I knew who I wanted to be with and the choice only seemed so clear. About a week and a half before the event I wrote a super long e mail to him, I was so torn up I didn't know what to do. So I finally confessed.

The next day I received an e mail back from him. Event though he specified he was straight, he pointed out to me that he had never been told anything like that by anyone before. He promised not to disown me and he told me he cared for me a lot. Which was true, I actually was hoping myself I could use the "l word". My feelings were that strong. Exodus went off not too badly; about 400 people made it to the event which seemed to be plagued from the start by politics, lack of venues etc. It was a hard event to put together, but seeing everyone go off from the pre party Friday night to the after party on Sunday made it all worth it. C. and I seemed to be getting closer as we hugged more, hugged longer and I then knew I could be more open with him. However he did get back together with his girlfriend and I was jealous. I had never ever been jealous before. And now here I was, fighting my feelings and annoyed as hell. I didn't know what to say or think, but I managed to try and calm down and resolve my feelings.

Exodus wiped me out and from there it was work as well as finals. Something which I barreled through half assedly. (Note: something that a college student should NEVER do). After finals I was happy everything was over. I worked and the family came up for Christmas. On the 22nd, before C. went on his cruise to the Caribbean we got together and I began to teach him about Djing as well as we talked about Christmas. I gave him his gift and he hugged me. It was then I leaned in and we kissed for the 1st time. And me?? I thought I felt an electricity. I thought that something would happen soon. That kiss was so magical, so intense, so genuine. I will never ever forget it. Something I could always measure up by.

He left and I spent Christmas here in Saskatoon. New years Eve I was off to spin at Therapy in Edmonton for Nexustribe. Something I had been looking forward to for the month before. It was funny cause at about 11p.m. cst, I was beginning to think that the world could actually end. Maybe it was religious belief which was instilled in me, but I was genuinely scared. So as a cautionary measure, I prayed for forgiveness for anything that I might have done. And at midnight January 1st , 2000 the clock turned, pyrotechnics went off, a cute guy kissed me and all of the power was running as normal. So it meant a continuation of the party I was at, and to forget what I was feeling which was paranoia. One of the high points again was Deko-Ze spinning Sunscreem's "Who Will Love Me Now". As again the chorus rang through my head and heart I began to cry. Something was missing from this party despite it's state of perfection. And I knew what that was....

I played Therapy with a few hitches however all went well and I went home with a growing anticipation. I would see C again. I could start school and go back to work. I was happy. I couldn't believe it. Here I had come off of one of my better slots and I would be home in Saskatoon. I came home to read a message on the web board that he was stuck in Miami. Again I was waiting. I wanted to know how he was, how the trip was etc. He came home and he told me about how much fun it was, how he made tons of friends and how he met this GIRL...

Well I wasn't sure what to say. I was happy for him, however I was unsure of what to do next. A week later and he went into a little bit of a depression. I realize how hard it is for him to be accepted here, however I was beginning to feel useless. I had poured my heart out to him and it was almost as if he had ignored it. On Saturday he sent me a vicious e mail stating for me to "Find someone else" and that "I am not bi nor do I wish to be" He was talking about how he was planning to move away and now this girl he had met was something to work for. I was really, really hurt. There went all of my feelings in a handbasket. He doesn't know how hard it is to deal with that. He doesn't understand how much of my heart he has. He apologized for his e mail. I don't know if I believe it anymore. To be honest, I love him however.. I don't know how much more I can give.

In the meantime I have a few goals in mind in order to keep me going. Genesis 2 is the first of my projects. On January 22 I will be closing a rave here in Saskatoon with a dark aggressive spot of morning trance. Something that I'm hoping will please about 499 people and make one in particular shut up and maybe think a little bit. In the back of my mind I'm praying every day he changes his mind, that before he forgets he will call me up and pop the question. Right now it's a long shot but I'm hoping it happens.

Goal 2: I need to travel out to Ontario. I have never been anywhere outside of W.Canada and I think it's time that I made it out there.. only cause Murray is gonna kill me if I don't show up there soon.

Goal 3: Gay Pride. I have another night of block rockin beats in store for pride, and hopefully that will be with a confirmed venue by April etc. So cross your fingers folks, and hope it goes off large.

For all of you on the magazine I wanna wish you a happy Valentines Day. Cause the next article is not out until March. I will probably be either a) out at a rave b) getting plastered out of my tree and or c) if a miracle happens showering affection on the man I truly love. Everyone Cross your fingers for me...

Schell

stl791@mail.usask.ca


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