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Sean

February 2000

It's been another two months since I have written. I think I like to write this way because I'll have a little more to talk about. I'll update things when I got over what has happened to me lately.

ANOTHER SUIT CASE, ANOTHER HALL

It seems that guy Jason had no interest in me after all. I haven't heard from him since I talked to him in November. It's OK really I suppose. I did finally see what he looked like. I went to his job to introduce myself and couldn't bring myself to do it actually. He was so gorgeous to tell you the truth. I think he is way out of my league. His friend Steph gave me a picture of him and he looks better in person. He is just perfect but I think I am way out of my league. He hasn't called me so I guess he lost interest but people are trying to convince me to just ask him out. Even if get turned down. I have already been through rejection I guess one more couldn't hurt right?

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS

My Christmas was really odd. First off all of the men in my house (my brother and father...and myself included) had to work. I had to work on Christmas day at 6AM. So on Christmas Eve my brother and mother (along with my nephew) went to church with my Grandparents. I stayed home and slept after I got home from work. Around 11:00PM I got up and got ready to go to my Grandparents house. My father came home from work and we went to our Grandparents home to open our gifts. I got everything I wanted.

1) The 6 CD set in the Sailor Moon Memorial box

2) My Buffy the Vampire Slayer CD

3) My new CD case for my car

4) Clothes

We didn't get home till about 2AM then I got up to go to work. Work was actually fun! Not much to do but I had to work 9 hours of the 18 we were open.

AULD LANGE SYNE

I never usually go out on New Year's. I am never invited to go anywhere because I was an anti-social person. This year I was invited to go to two parties. One was a drinking party (though it wasn't supposed to be) and the other was just a normal party. That guy Jason was supposed to be at the normal party. I drove my friends Sam, Nichole, and Rachel to this party. Sam and Nichole wanted to get to the drinking party though...I don't drink so I wasn't too excited to go. We went there and realized we knew no one.

Wait that isn't so true. I knew them just didn't like them...but I didn't know the ones I really didn't like. Sorry for confusing those that probably read that sentence 5 times. I saw Patrick. I mentioned him before (he was the guy who helped me through Tim without knowing it and I was interested in. It was a secret until the final year of school when someone finally wrote it out in black and white.) and I was quite upset actually. He blew me off. He just looked at me and said, "Hello." Then turned to everyone else and talked to them. I guess he was more upset about the whole thing than he let on. He told me it was fine but I guess it was not. I thought I was the only one who felt he was bothered by my presence until Nichole said something to me. She totally agreed with me. She and I know people's feelings.

We then went to the drinking party. Of course I didn't have fun. My friend (I use the term lightly when it comes to her because she is pretty self-centered) Kristen brought this guy who I hated in High School. When we were in school he was in my gym class. He started to "see" my friend Angela. I went up to where they were sitting one day and Angela made a comment about this guy that I was wanting to date. When I left he asked if I was gay and Angela said I was. He was so intimidated by me that he decided to tell everyone in my gym class that I was gay. I didn't give a crap because I was out anyway but to actually go around to everyone and point at me and say, "he's gay" makes me quite upset.

The rest of the party sucked. I got thinking about Mike and The Prince a lot. I got depressed. My friend Nichole got drunk and got depressed. The guy she liked wanted one of her friends and apparently vice versa. Nichole's friend didn't know that Nichole liked this guy though. I left the party about 1:00AM and fell asleep to go to work the next morning.

Just a question but was anyone else upset not to see NYC blow up? I know it sounds horrible but it would have been somewhat cool to watch it all go up in a big flash. Though the drawback would be people dying and such. I just had a thought. I am not going to mention Y2K because I have a lot of things about that.....people are sad.

GOIN TO WORK

I had one of the most interesting experience (and yet disturbing) experiences at work. I was working with my friend Bobbi-Jo and I was helping her bag. This guy (who was 40 something and not very attractive) asked me if the Toyota was my car. I told him, "yes." He hands me a card and I read it. It was some sort of business card and I thought nothing of it. He then said, "Other side." I looked at the other side and told me he would love to hear from me and told his phone number. I was extremely flattered but then I thought why a 40 something year old guy can't get a guy his own age. So I am thinking pedophile...but maybe that's me being judgmental. I would never date someone twice my age.....well maybe if he interested me...but this guy just gives me the creeps.

KISSING A FOOL

One week after New Year's I came up with my Resolution for the New Year. I was in my car playing George Michael on my CD player and finally heard a part of a song that described me to the letter in regards to relationships:

"But remember this
Every other kiss
That you ever get
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like I always do."

It just hit me that "This is you Sean!" My resolution is to no longer be the guy who waits for the other guy. I can't do it anymore...I've done it since I started dating men. It all began with Tim and went on through Mike. Every man I wait for but I won't do it anymore.

THAT GUY

The fairy tale that was Mike and Sean (or should I say fantasy) is now over. We had good plans to meet...I was saving money to get a bus (or plane) to go to VA and see him. It isn't going to happen I know that now. He has too many issues. He still loves his ex and he and I have a different meaning of what it is like to be in love. He couldn't be faithful if I went down to see him and then went back to NY. He told me he could never be celibate to someone who wasn't there.

When we talk it always seems we end up being bitter and hurting the other person. I just don't know what to do about it. Part of me says it would be better for him and I to never speak again but I don't know if I could do that. I mentioned that to him and he told not to do that to him because he couldn't handle it. I am still not sure of what to do.

SINCE I DON'T HAVE YOU

Tonight at work I saw The Prince again. He looked great as usual and he came up to me. He said hello first and I was quite surprised he even wanted to talk to me again. After the letter and all that I said I don't see how he would want to talk to me again. He asked me how I was and I told him everything going on in my life (minus the bad parts about him and Mike that I felt) and then talked about other people. Just when I thought that I was going to get away with not mentioning the letter (and I started to believe he didn't get it) he mentioned the letter. I don't know what the purpose was but I guess deep down he felt he had to say something. All he could say about it was, "I have no idea what to say."

I am so fucking stupid because I got out of the conversation as quick as possible. Maybe I'll email him and tell him I was sorry for not talking to him longer. It was just so awkward but I looked at him and I saw The Prince but was longing for him to have his Princess. He deserves it....even if it isn't me. I would be happy to actually hear him say he has a girlfriend and hear all about her. Possibly even meet her. It would be good for me.

That's all for this month guys. As always I would appreciate any feedback. My email is sleeve@frontiernet.net and my AIM screen name is odango566.

Thanks for reading,

Sean


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