February 2000

Mirror, Mirror

I like to believe that I'm an outspoken person. But, I'm not so sure any more. There are so many things that I want to try with my appearance that I am not permitted to do. I know it's lame, but I've been trained to obey. Obey my parents at least.

I admit, there are a lot of things I want to do that aren't "acceptable", but maybe that's why I want to do them. My whole view on this is that if it isn't permanent, it's acceptable. But my father disagrees. This isn't gonna be some big dishing on my dad, but it's annoying. For instance, I have somewhat lengthy hair, which isn't as long as I want it, only as long as they allow it. One day I have my friend put a braid into it. No big deal; to me. I honestly think that dad was repulsed by it. It wasn't "Well, why do that?", it was "It comes out tomorrow." For what reason? Oooh, I have a braid, what will they think, oooh. Needless to say I left it in, and wore it to school the next day. In retrospect, I probably should have braided my whole head, just on principle.

Something else I want to do is dye my hair red, to see what it looks like. You should have seen them jump at that. I sprayed my hair red for Halloween and wore it to school, barely convincing him by saying, it's only for a day, which it unfortunately was. Also, when I wanted to get contacts, I wanted to get year round Halloween contacts, just to stand out. I have regular contacts.

Now, I'm not going for earrings or tattoos or anything, even though there's nothing wrong with that, so I honestly didn't see what the big deal is. But I do now. I had to get it out of him. He thinks that my appearance reflects his 'parenting skills' or whatever. He doesn't want other adults, friends or family thinking things. Funny how even though I live my life, it all just goes back to him. God-forbid I come out to the world saying I'm not like everyone else. Not that I want to at this point.

The whole thing is, I don't like being a display for anyone but myself. I want to reflect my own. I don't like being an example of him. Besides, how does he think I feel (which I'm pretty damn sure he doesn't) when my friends come over to the house and see the derogatory black americana and nude paintings on the walls? See, a reflection is two images. Each a reflection of the other. If I'm him, then he's me; and I don't want that.

Now, by now, I know I shouldn't be in that rebellious teenager stage, but I am , as I said earlier, trained to listen to them. So, generally, I'm really pissed off at my father. He's always the first to take the other side and point out what I did wrong, or what I could do better. One year I cam home with a report card with one C on it. It wasn't a matter of 'was this the best you could do?' or 'do you have a problem in the class?', it was '(sigh) why did you get this? You could've done better, you know that.'

He wants a perfect child. I can't explain to him that I can't be a perfect anything. I'm then always undermined. I honest to God don't know why I bother doing anything, especially when it could've been better. Even if I vacuum the floor, he will say, 'good job', I'll walk away and hear the vacuum turn on again, to go over the place again. I just, I can't believe him anymore. He refuses anyone else's opinion. And that is something I can't deal with. He is just one of the most intolerant people I know. Kids, children I know aren't as stubborn as he is. He just seems prejudice of the world.

I'll put it like this: I hate Saturdays, the only time I'm in a room with him at our house is when we're having breakfast and dinner, I have a good day until I get home, I can't have any voice in matters, and the list unfortunately continues on. My only refuge is my best friend, my other friends, the Internet, and Oasis. I won't be free to decide what my life is until I'm out of the house. The man won't even defend his own child. I'd write more, but I think I'm about to burst so I'll have to see you all next month.

desperate to depart,



P.S.-'My House, My Rules' is a bullshit excuse.

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