I was sitting beside the window pane. Over looking the school field below, watching the kids running for shelter as rain drops from the sky getting larger.
"Maybe the sky is crying for me and the clouds mourn for me", thinking helplessly as I drew closer to the pane.
Looking at the kids adoring the rain, which cool this hot weather, makes a smile on my face. Their innocence is within them. For them, the world is beautiful as ever and so perfect. Vision of the rainy scenery ahead of me blurred as tears roll down my cheeks.
"Why do I have to born different??!! Why??!! Why am I having feelings that I shouldn't have??!! Why??!!", yelling so loudly in my heart and yet only roars of thunder surrounds my room.
There's nothing much I could do. Maybe God has fated me to suffer in this life. In this miserable life that I don't long having it. I look up upon the sky with streaks of rain falling on my face. Closing my eyes, my tears keep pouring with the rain. Hoping that God would have some answers for me. Hoping that The Almighty will hear the screaming in my heart. Silence. It was only silence. Silence is all I heard.
For so many years in this world, friends are all around sharing their times with me. Their good times and my bad times. Looking at my face, talking to me. A mask, only a mask that they see. Not knowing there's a devil within me, buried deep into my soul. Not knowing I'm different. A difference which all of them have not comprehend.
Second Coming has gone and on the streets, some of them understand the plight of the people born different. Their plight for another chance to live. To eat. To work. And to have a family like the rest. But yet, in the land of the Oriental where Sun greets us with an earlier sunshine, this plight has yet to be heard. Has yet to be fought. Has yet to fight against stereotyping. Understanding has yet to prevail.
The rain is getting heavier and the kids are gone now. I was covered with despair, with sorrow. With the thought the world don't belong to me anymore. The wooden chair gave a creaking sound as I move closer to the window. I gazed down below. The grass is still green and the soil is so rich. It was only about 3 stories below. My mind went blank. My heart is pounding, feeling so scared. So afraid of this thought.
"What are you thinking? Don't be stupid!!", I scolded myself, snapping myself out of it.
I cried, cried so heavily, clutching my pillow looking for comfort.
"Help!! I don't know how I should live on any longer!!", I said it with a frown.
I closed my eyes. I got up and only my hands feeling the old paints of these walls. The only walls that hear me cries and cries that I have every night. I held my breath. I lower my head and stood half my body out of the window. The rain is so cold, the wind is so strong.
"No one will ever know how I suffer. No one will!!!!", I shouted against the orchestra of thunder and light. Wailing so heavily.
"Mom and Dad, I miss you all so much but I really could not suffer like this any longer! I hope you understand." Grasping my palms in prayer hoping God would forgive me. Hoping my parents will understand. Hoping my friends will hope I'll have a better place to go.
The face is tainted with soil. My hair is full of grass. I can hardly open my eyes, so helpless looking at my hands washing away the blood by the rain. My hearing getting fainter. Sirens and cries are only the ones that I remember for the last time.
"So sorry Mom! So sorry Dad! I'm very sorry!", I whispered.
The sound of my breath no longer here. No longer hear my heart beat pounding at my chest. It's getting so dark now. So afraid, so alone. I don't know where I'll go. But I left this world with a smile. A smile that will carry me away from all the prejudice, the sneer and the hate I brought to myself in this world.