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A.J.

March 2000

Wow, it has been a long time since I wrote. I am sorry for my lapse. I guess ... in a sense there has been a lot to write, but no time to write it. In another, there really hasn't been anything interesting to talk about either. Well how about this, I'll write and hopefully it will make some sense.

Ex-boyfriend

Well I don't know what to say beyond the fact that I've been really hurting after the whole situation. It seems that every time I think things are getting to where I've dealt with things, it'll come back and kick me in the butt. I just wish there were an amnesia pill that you could take and forget about somebody. I guess things get better only because you work through them and deal with how you feel about them. PIM and I just need to do that, because bottom line is that I still love him very much. And I have to deal with that and move on with my life.

Up until now I've been dealing with it through listening to music constantly and working out constantly ... which I'm not complaining about that much ... I mean I've toned up a LOT ... which is very nice ... just wish it weren't escapism..

Depression

I've found that I'm not the type of person who deals with being single very well. Abby has essentially moved into her boyfriend's place, and I hardly ever see her anymore (except when I'm sitting in my overly warm room wearing only underwear after class), and the dog hardly counts as human companionship. I've been incredibly lonely the last four months, and actually things weren't that bad until about a month ago. I had focused on my friends, and had pretty much let everything else slide past me. Then I met this guy from Northwestern University (something I should start seriously avoiding ... I know too many people there, and too many people know me). Well basically I fell for the kid and all his varied faults. And mary, if opposites attract ... we were made for each other. I don't what I was thinking, but c'est la vie. I've obviously got a habit of falling for people who are exactly wrong for me.

Well bottom line is I knew he wasn't interested fairly early on, and that was basically my fault. I knew I was getting too interested too fast. Anyway, about three days after I had sorta accepted that it was not to be, a friend decided that it would be appropriate for him to make things clear. So, said guy officially dumps me ... and we are talking full, all-out, 90210 dumping. It was humiliating to the extreme. I mean getting dumped is bad enough, but to get dumped by somebody you are not dating is horrible.

To make a long story short, this guy sort of helped me un-forget what it was like to be interested in somebody and to get that feeling of "awwwww, I like him a lot, and he feels the same way!" That combined with far too many nights of bar hopping, too much school work, and just crappy weather ... made for a pretty tight horrible depression. I reached a point where I skipped class to talk to my mom.

MLBGTCC

Yet again, I attended the Midwest Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgendered College Conference. It was pretty great if only on account of one person: Kate Bornstein. Listening to her speak was an amazing experience, and it really gave me a whole new view into transgenderedism. I have to say, if you get the opportunity to see her speak, please go, you won't regret it, she's an amazing person.

Another great aspect of it was the chance to bond with this incredibly GORGEOUS girl: Amy. Its safe people, she's a dyke ... Anyway, we became friends over the trip, which was great.

Q&A

Its so strange to be the president of Queers and Associates. I remember when I came to the university ... and heck after my first meeting, thinking that it would be a total waste of time. It has actually turned out to be a very good learning experience ... but I think I may have invested too much into trying to get things together. I mean, after all, I may not end up doing it again next year, so I don't know that all the time I've spent improving how our resources are allocated and available to us ... will really make much difference.

Jake

Well, my friend Jake ... what to say. I figured it was worth mentioning that I have a very good friend who I spend inordinate amounts of time with, and who doesn't even know I'm here talking about him.

And so ...

I'm single, wishing I weren't, but I have a lot of great (amazingly awesome wonderful) friends who keep me relatively sane, and where that fails I have the gym, Tool, Savage Garden, Ani Difranco, Counting Crows, and a slew of other musicians to get me through the day. Also, school's kicking my butt ... and I've got enough to worry about without even involving the boys. But for tonight, and the month of March, I hope everybody has a great early-spring ... and I will try to get an article in for next month too (where I will talk more). Happy Mardi Gras and Spring Break.

A.J.
Soulseer@aol.com


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