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Chance

March 2000

I didn't know what to write about this month. There's a lot going on, but I'm not sure what's important anymore and what's not.

I've calculated how often I fall in love. On average, I fall in love every two minutes and forty-five seconds. That's probably not the definition of love everyone uses, but it's mine, and I stick with it. This will probably outrage someone. Sorry.

Is it too much to ask for that I just be able to fall in love? Like, do I suck, or smell, or look weird, or anything? THERE HAS TO BE A REASON!! There has to be a reason. It can't just be eh, your time hasn't come yet. I can't cope with that. Not now, not at this point in my life when I feel lonely and don't know what else to do with my life.

Anyone I'm interested in is way too far away to pursue with any realistic or lasting factor to our relationship. Which is not to say I'm not always going to keep in touch and attempt to get in touch when I'm not seventeen and have finally got my license, and have some vague idea of what I'm doing with my life. That would be good -- maybe then I'll be ready for love? Eh, I think it's all bullshit. Then there's the other... the other one. That girl who rules my world with her smile. And she scares me. She's bi, but still very hesitant. I just want to hold her. Make any sense at all?

Ugh -- I don't know what I'm trying to say... maybe just live. Life will do the rest.

-Chance.

PS -- Sorry folks, I'm really confused. I'll sort it out and get back to you. Mail and anything else is welcome at S1mulation@aol.com


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