March 2000

Hello there.

I’m Elliot.

I guess that’s just my way of introducing myself, since this is my first submission to Oasis. That’s my way of defining who I am. I’m Elliot.

I think I hate being gay.

Don’t get me wrong when I say that. I love men. Let me say that again so you know for sure: I LOVE MEN!

I just don’t love being gay.

I have nothing against gay men or women. Or straight men and women for that matter. I don’t look down on anyone due to their preference in lovers. And I don’t mock or harass anyone on that preference either. I don’t hate being gay because of the "gay community." I don’t hate being gay because of the stereotypes that others have of us (everything from screaming queens to child molesters to Leathermen). Incidentally, my best friend in the whole world is a screaming queen. Michael redefined the term "Queen" with an answering machine message of Britney Spears and gets his kicks by drawing attention to himself (and by extension: me) in all venues (from bars to grocery stores). And I love being with him because of his freedom. He’s free to be whatever and whoever he wants. He’s not ashamed of being gay.

One of the last guys I dated was ashamed of being gay. Now, I know your saying: "Wait. Hold On. You say that you hate being gay, but you aren’t ashamed of it?" Yes that’s exactly what I’m saying. I am gay. I may not like it, but I won’t deny it. I may hate it, but I can’t ignore it. It’s a part of me. Todd didn’t want to be gay. His denial of himself was destructive to any attempt at a relationship.

"...you were plenty self destructive for my taste at the time..."-Alanis

I am gay. I cry myself to sleep at night wishing it wasn’t so. I love men. I love spending time with them, talking with them, dancing with them, sleeping with them, and yes, having sex with them.

I’m a rare breed. Most people who hate lack the understanding of what they’re actually hating. Understanding and comprehension don’t occur because they deny any connection to that which they hate. I know who I am. I accept that I am gay. And I hate that.

I wish it would all just go away sometimes. I wish that one morning I would wake up and find myself more interested in Madonna for her body than her talent. But that isn’t going to happen. I realize that.

So I go through the days, day by day, questioning not WHO I am, but WHY I am who I am. Do not mistake my discontent for violence. As Bret Easton Ellis said: "This is not an Exit." I’m not going anywhere. Day by day I’m learning more about myself; and attempting to love what I find. So that maybe, one day, I can love another.

This is not an Exit.

Well that’s all for this month, I guess. I hope you liked what I wrote. If you did or didn’t, drop me a line and let me know why. If what I wrote made absolutely no impression on you at all, drop me a line anyways, cause I love to get mail.

Bye Bye, Elliot

Elliot, 22, is a college student in Boca Raton, Florida who nightly dreams of a nude Christian Bale. He can be emailed at: kalelliot@hotmail.com

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