I guess thats just my way of introducing myself, since this is my first submission to Oasis. Thats my way of defining who I am. Im Elliot.
I think I hate being gay.
Dont get me wrong when I say that. I love men. Let me say that again so you know for sure: I LOVE MEN!
I just dont love being gay.
I have nothing against gay men or women. Or straight men and women for that matter. I dont look down on anyone due to their preference in lovers. And I dont mock or harass anyone on that preference either. I dont hate being gay because of the "gay community." I dont hate being gay because of the stereotypes that others have of us (everything from screaming queens to child molesters to Leathermen). Incidentally, my best friend in the whole world is a screaming queen. Michael redefined the term "Queen" with an answering machine message of Britney Spears and gets his kicks by drawing attention to himself (and by extension: me) in all venues (from bars to grocery stores). And I love being with him because of his freedom. Hes free to be whatever and whoever he wants. Hes not ashamed of being gay.
One of the last guys I dated was ashamed of being gay. Now, I know your saying: "Wait. Hold On. You say that you hate being gay, but you arent ashamed of it?" Yes thats exactly what Im saying. I am gay. I may not like it, but I wont deny it. I may hate it, but I cant ignore it. Its a part of me. Todd didnt want to be gay. His denial of himself was destructive to any attempt at a relationship.
"...you were plenty self destructive for my taste at the time..."-Alanis
I am gay. I cry myself to sleep at night wishing it wasnt so. I love men. I love spending time with them, talking with them, dancing with them, sleeping with them, and yes, having sex with them.
Im a rare breed. Most people who hate lack the understanding of what theyre actually hating. Understanding and comprehension dont occur because they deny any connection to that which they hate. I know who I am. I accept that I am gay. And I hate that.
I wish it would all just go away sometimes. I wish that one morning I would wake up and find myself more interested in Madonna for her body than her talent. But that isnt going to happen. I realize that.
So I go through the days, day by day, questioning not WHO I am, but WHY I am who I am. Do not mistake my discontent for violence. As Bret Easton Ellis said: "This is not an Exit." Im not going anywhere. Day by day Im learning more about myself; and attempting to love what I find. So that maybe, one day, I can love another.
This is not an Exit.
Well thats all for this month, I guess. I hope you liked what I wrote. If you did or didnt, drop me a line and let me know why. If what I wrote made absolutely no impression on you at all, drop me a line anyways, cause I love to get mail.
Bye Bye, Elliot
Elliot, 22, is a college student in Boca Raton, Florida who nightly dreams of a nude Christian Bale. He can be emailed at: firstname.lastname@example.org