March 2000

Since I can't think to write (right now)... I'll write of what I think....

Well, about 3 weeks ago, my best friend moved in... It was cool at first... Faded away after the first week... Problem is I had a crush on him about a year ago... He knew about it... and he still moved in... It's really awkward at times, but I'm learning to adjust. He's straight... That's a BIG deal... I have to watch what he sees me doing... It can be nerve-wracking at times... I re-arranged our room again, so he can't see my screen... It's weird having to worry about him looking over my shoulder as I'm surfing around the net (especially when I hit gay sites)... he knows about me and all... He's cool with it... It's just I don't know how he would react if he was really exposed to it...

A lot of people at the school are saying that we're a thing... But I keep telling them that we aren't... and it hurts everytime I say it... I don't quite know why... He's engaged... (To one of my best friends)... I talked to her about it... and she wouldn't be too upset with me, if I let my urges control me... But I just don't want to lose him, no matter what. It's hard... fighting this... He's really attractive... I keep picking fights every now and then... and I don't notice it... I guess I'm just looking for an easy way that I can stop fighting myself, and him be gone... But I don't want that. Oh well... I'll learn to deal with it... As I have before...

Over the past few years, I have noticed that you should never trust anyone explicitly. I mean that in the strictest sense. I'm 16 years old at this writing, and I live in Texas... Actually, in West Columbia, Texas, which is around 50 to 60 miles south-south west of Houston. I'm a junior in Needville High School. Why do I go to Needville, but live in West Columbia? Well, I really don't live in West Columbia... I live about 5 miles from it though. I'm in the Damon school district, and they have a choice of which school they want to go to. I chose Needville because of their programs in Computer Science.

Well, last week, on Thursday, someone saw me copying a file, and ratted on me. I wasn't really doing anything wrong. Seriously. Now, the Administration is paranoid, and suspended me "pending investigation"... Well, on Thursday, I spent the entire day in isolation (ISS-In School Suspension), because I couldn't get in touch with my mom... On friday, when we went to the meeting with the principal, I asked if he could just suspend me because I can't take being that cut off. The school has this security program to keep students from changing settings on computers and so forth. The file that I copied enabled my access to my desktop. Sounds stupid... Huh? Well, I could change my background, and so forth, but whenever I logged back in, all of the settings went back to the default.

The principals don't understand the difference between Novell rights, and local rights. Novell rights (on the network) are limited, and set to my home directory. That's all I can access. My local rights are different than other students. I do admit that. But they don't pose any threat to any of the other systems, nor do they really pose a threat at all. I will remove them voluntarily, but OH NO! They have to make such a big deal out of the smallest things. They confiscated a disk I had with the registry file on it. When they went to open it, it was corrupt, and it supposedly started erasing itself... It didn't... When they went to run scandisk on it, scandisk was gone. So... They thought I did something "special" to the disk. I didn't. We live in a MicroSoft world now, and everything screws up. Just because they run a MS based operating system, doesn't mean that I did anything to the disk... Well, this is what I did to that disk. 1) Formatted it... 2) copied a file onto it. wow! Well, other than that mishap, I've been doing better in school.

A lot of people have been more understanding, and open to everything about me. I don't have to hide at school like I had to during my attendance at West Columbia. These are the reasons that the school can get off of my back about that entire rights thing... If I really wanted to make threats toward the school, or take over their network or whatever:

  1. that disk would wipe out the entire system

  2. they wouldn't find out before the fact (in other words, no one would know)

  3. I'm on the network too! I want my access during school! what do they think? I'm stupid enough to wipe out a network that I'm dependent on?

I think that schools need to just chill out, and allow us to be who we want to be. If I don't harm anyone, and I keep to myself, and my friends, why don't they just leave me alone? Why can't I wear nail polish? Why can't I say what I want when I want, as long as I don't hurt anyone?

Schools constantly tell us that they are preparing us to become individuals....... Why don't they just LET US!?

Ok... Back to what I'm here for....

In the eigth grade, I found out that I was gay or bi. I didn't "find out"... I just started to notice how I was looking at other guys. I just decided to label myself as bi, until I do more exploring. I've just been hanging out. I've been used, as well as most of everyone else has... I don't want to sit here and write about how bad it can be. I want to say this... if it feels right... go for it... that's what this month's poem selection is about...

Well, I have to go, but I'll write about something more interesting next month. Check out my site sometime, if you want to find out more about me, or just to read some of my other poems. (You can also see a pic of me... As scary as that may seem....)

(http://hexas.n3.net --- heXas's Lair) thehexas@hotmail.com


Do what you want.
Go with impules.

Act spontaneuosly

Don't think.

Just do.

I will.

I'm waiting for you!

Do I have to do it?

Do I have to tell you?

You are all that I want...

All the good and all the faults

Why must I wait so long?

I can't any longer. I just want something...


I believe in the philosophy of my friends.

"Don't look for it... let it find you."

But what if it already has?

How will I know?

What do I do?

I feel locked up

hidden within my own mind

I just want to escape

and tell someone who is blind.

Blinded away from my thoughts

I want to tell everything I think and feel

But I haven't in so long

I don't know how




I just don't.

When I look at you... I feel controled...

When our eyes meet... I've lost.

It happens everytime.

I've waited so long that I want to cry.

One tear falls....

That's all...

I know you talk about me.

I see your friends... with an acknowledging grin

I'm so alone.

Sure there are friends.

But I need someone more.

a mate... a lover... a significant other.

Why don't we just talk openly... join... and experience each other?

I will speak...

If you tell me that you won't freak.

(c)opyright, 1999 -- thehexas@hotmail.com
Reprinted with permission by Oasis Magazine

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