March 2000

It's been a long month. I'm coping with everything in my own way: writing long, heartfelt poems, starting stories that I never finish, updating my online diary at diaryland.com everyday, being around friends constantly, but never really discussing the murder with anyone. I don't know why, but none of us really bring it up. I feel horrible about pretending like it never happened around people, but what can I do? We all need to move on. But there is still a raw hole in my heart knowing someone I knew is dead..murdered viciously. I want to talk about it sometimes, I want to scream, I want to cry. I want to curse whoever did this. I want to know why it happened. I want to know WHO would do this. I bring it up around friends who didn't know her (it's easier that way), and they usually say "Don't think about it" or "Let's talk about happy things". And I'm like, "No, you don't understand, my way of dealing is talking, but I can't do it because no one wants to listen. It hurts beyond anything I have ever felt before, beyond anything I thought I could ever feel." But I never say that. I shut my mouth.

I think I'll be okay.

Another bad thing happened. I finally thought I was over that guy that I was deeply in love with. Notice I said THOUGHT. I called him a couple days ago and he told me he had been in a wreck while he was drinking. No one was hurt, but he got a lot of community service, suspended license, and counseling. All mandatory. But anyhow, after him telling me all this a fire erupted inside me, and all the old feelings surfaced. I have never felt this way about anyone, and I never will again. My friends say that I will find someone so like me, that I will move on one day. But never in a million years would I have thought that I could meet someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I'm only 17. It's sick, twisted, and bizarre.....that's life I guess.

Good things have happened! For starters, my family adopted a kitty from the animal shelter. She is 2 and 1/2 months old, tiger colored, and literally insane. Seriously. But we love her to death! She is constantly purring, even when no one is around her. She yelps and hollers for no reason. And she has the worst gas of any animal, I swear. She erupts every 20 minutes! Her name is Soma, and she doesn't like catnip.

I got my labret pierced last month, which I didn't put in my last column. I did that the Saturday after the funeral. I got my conches done yesterday. A conch is the inner part of the ear, the thick cartilage. I got it done with an 8 gauge, which is not like me at all because the big needles scare me. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, let me tell you. I would not recommend it to anyone who has a low tolerance to pain. They bled for a really long time and are extremely sore. I'm deathly afraid of infection, so I clean them like crazy.

I'm going to see Boys Don't Cry tomorrow night. I'm excited about that! I read a book on it (Cruel Sacrifice by Aphrodite Jones) and it totally got me thinking. I know I'm going to cry.

I quit my job due to lack of hours, and now I have nothing! No one is hiring, or maybe they don't want to hire me. Every bookstore and coffeehouse has an application with my name on it, but they never call. WHY? Oh well, I will wait and see what happens.

Enough, I must sleep.


Soundtrack: Tori Amos bootlegs, Beth Orton, Madonna (Ray of Light CD only), Dave Matthews, Remy Zero, Tricky, Ani DiFranco, Mazzy Star. My musical taste has not varied lately.

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