April 2000

It's been a while since my last column. I wrote that one in December. I said then I would write again when I felt I had something to say. I don't know if I do or not, but I feel like writing. When I wrote that last column a lot of things were happening in my life. Most of it was bad, or so I thought.

I finished with my online love gone. I figured I would never see him again, or if I did it would be a long time from then. I felt like part of me had been ripped right out of my heart and soul. At Thanksgiving, after I wrote that column, he came back for a weekend. Courtesy of his grandparents. I didn't handle it well. He came back at Christmas. At first I didn't handle that well. He had a lot of problems. I figured I did now too. I didn't want to deal with his. I quit looking outside myself, and instead I saw only what I wanted and my own hurt and what I thought was good for me. I became everything I thought I would never be. I turned my back on a friend. I did it after I told him I would always be there for him. When I had the choice between what was hard and right and what was easy and wrong, I took the easy way.

That might have been the bottom moment of my life. But I got lucky. I had friends who made me stop and look inside myself. Who loved me enough to remind me how much I love my friend. I took a hard look inside myself and realized I didn't much like the person I saw there. Few things are harder then looking hard at yourself.

It was time to take the right way and face my friend like I faced me. We met online right after Christmas and renewed our love. Which is great because he is back online and we have never loved each other more. Between him and my Trevor I've never been happier with love. It turns out that when you turn to love it really is the right way and if you love each other, the easy way.

So did I really have something big to say? Maybe not. Except I think nobody should turn their back to love. I looked in my head to figure out what to do. I tried to be logical. When all the time the right answer was in my heart. When I followed my heart I was reunited with the sweetest boy in the world. Follow your heart.

Is this my last column? I have one more for sure. Some coming out issues I've faced since December. So I should have one next month. I think that what I think is my last column won't say it, because I just might be wrong. Thanks for reading.

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