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Elliot

April 2000

Alanis wrote a song about it.

It’s on her "Supposed Former" album. For some strange reason it seems to touch to me deeply. I can’t reprint it here, for obvious copyright issues, but it’s about writing down all those feelings you’re longing to express, because you could never just say them. The song is called "Unsent" and what follows is my personal unsent letters...

Dear Matthew, I miss you so much. I know I’m the one who walked away, and I still believe it's best for all. You were my closest friend when I needed you, but as we grew, we grew apart. It was never the same when I returned from New York and we all felt it. In the end, it was only because I cared for you so much that I put up with the way you would degrade me in public. But I awoke from that fairy tale. I still miss you.

Dear Jerami, You were the first I told. I cried so much that day and you were such a rock! I wish I could tell you how truly thankful I am for those days together. But I also want to apologize for the monopolization of your time... I know that you had different plans, but somehow you made time for me, even when I was too damn demanding. I don’t know how to say "Sorry" and "Thanks.."

Dear Nel, I never told you the truth. We were together for a very long time and I lied through it all. I can’t tell you now, because it would still hurt. I love you so much that I don't want to hurt you. I don’t want you to feel like you wasted three years of your life with me... because you didn’t. I’ll always want to be close to you, not physically but emotionally.

Dear Josh, I really enjoyed the brief time together. I wish we could of had more. I wish things hadn’t faded away like they did.... I’m always open to that whole Jen/Pacey experiment, we never got to fully try...

Dear Eric, If you’re ever single in the future, and want to spend time with me in Boca Raton, all you have to do is call. I always wanted things to be different and to go even further then they did and I wish I was the type of guy you could rely on for all your needs. I understand you desire more than I can give... maybe someday....

These few words are by no means everything that I need to say, but a start nonetheless.

If you read my last writing to Oasis, as well as this one, you may of noticed that I’ve never come out and just told you my story. There is no logical orderly story to my life. There is no progression of events, per se, that led to the formation of whom I am now. Instead of events, there were people. And instead of great truths and larger ideals, there are thoughts and feelings, those expressed and those kept within. Instead of logic there is disarray; and in the place of love.... only the remains of instant gratification.

Bye, Bye, Bye

Elliot

P.S. Never one to jump on the Pride-mobile, still I must over off a word of praise to the best show on television right now, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, for its tactful and tasteful handling of Willow’s lesbian experimentations. If you’re not watching Buffy, you should be.... give it a try! Elliot, 22, is a college student in Boca Raton, Florida who has reoccurring visions involving Christian Bale and Ben Affleck together in compromising positions. He can be emailed at: kalelliot@hotmail.com


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