April 2000

You would not believe the time that I have spent this past month trying to come up with a topic to write about for this issue. At first I started to write about the "ever-influential" boy band, but then thought better of it.

Then I started in on why I was so mad that Prop. 22 passed (please don't get me started). But nothing I started to write felt like what I wanted it to be. That's something very important to me, that what I write means something and I didn't just do it to have done it. So that's why I decided to tell you guys about parts of my life thus far, and aspects of it that I'm not sure I should. But oh well. Just keep in mind that this is brutal honesty from my perspective, and I hope that I don't piss anyone off.

Have you ever met someone that you know you love, even though you know you will never speak to them? I have. Two people, actually. One of them is Dave Matthews, a singer from a town called Charlottesville, VA that's only about an hour away from where I live. From the moment I heard his music, I knew I was in love. The other person is a guy named....well we'll call him Jeff. He goes to my school and I know he doesn't know me. I've seen him around a million times though. I've had the biggest crush on him for the last year, and I'm afraid to even say a word to him. I'm not normally like this; I'm this big theater guy who is always on stage and I'm never shy around anyone, but when I'm around Jeff, I just go weak in the knees and forget what it is I was going to say, so I never do. I just slump off and feel like an idiot. Does this ever happen to anyone else?

Last month I wrote about Nick, the first boyfriend I ever had who decided he wasn't gay after all and sort of dumped me a la 90210. For those of you who don't know, I don't like him very much; his approach to life is all wrong, but I know that he's probably fighting his own demons now, so I've tried to be nice to him. Interestingly enough, I talked to him last night. He found out that I was currently interested in someone and took it upon himself to find out who. What business it is of his, I'll never know, but he seems to think it is, so I played along. What I ended up realizing afterwards was something that shocked me: Nick still cares about me. No, he didn't tell me directly, but it was just so blatantly obvious to me that I almost had to laugh. He wanted to know who it was, and if I really liked him, was I going to date him, etc. Keep in mind that I haven't talked to this guy in nearly three months and he's asking me about the most intimate details of my love life (hey, I have one...I think...). What I think he's afraid of is that I'm going to forget about him. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Nick has at least some queer feelings, otherwise we wouldn't have done the things we did together to the degree that we did them. I think maybe he's counted on me to be there if he ever decides (or realizes, I don't know how you say this accurately) that he is indeed gay, but now with the prospect of me with another person, he suddenly comes running back. But in any case, I have decide that I will always consider Nick to be a friend, though I can never really care for him the way that I once did. Things have just changed for me.

OK, enough of my philosophical crap...

Does anyone else here use the words "fag" and "queer" in affectionate terms? My friend Danielle scolded me the other day for calling my gay friend Brandon "my favorite fag." It doesn't bother him or me; we just for some odd reason found the term to be funny and used it in reference to each other. I think what we were sick of was having people call us fags and thinking we would respond in an outrage, but if anything it just made us laugh. People can be such idiots sometime. I mean my god, I heard someone yesterday comment on how a heterosexual couple kissing in the hallway "was so gay." What the...when the hell did gay become a synonymous term for cheesy? I hate to think that my lifestyle can be used as an adjective to describe the stupidness of a shirt or a malfunctioning computer. Since when did computers have a sexual identity? I mean do they find it necessary to hump other computers rather than, say, a printer? And since when do computers hump? God, I've said it before and I'll say it again: PEOPLE ARE SUCH IDIOTS!!! Oops, sorry....I've had a long day and I needed that.

OK, lastly I want to comment on something that's been bothering me for the longest time, today's music. It's sad to think that nearly all music that's popular in mainstream America today is pop, and one of the saddest things that I see happening is great bands like Sugar Ray and Blink 182 heading in that direction. Blink 182, in particular, was a great band before this happened. When Enema of the State came out, I was thrilled because I had followed them forever. But when I listened to it in comparison to Dude Ranch and others, I wanted to cry at how bad their music had gotten. I mean face it; when we look back twenty years from now, we're going to ask ourselves what the hell we were listening to. It's people like Ozzy Osbourne and Dave Matthews that people are gonna remember because they've produced great songs and have stayed true to their roots throughout their entire career. OK, feel free to barrage me with your comments; it's inevitable...

Well, that's everything that's been bothering me over the last month or so. Nothing too exciting, just stuff that simply happened. Any comments or questions? You can e-mail me at InsaneRENTfan@aol.com. I listen to everything. And to all of you guys out there, Happy Easter/Passover/whatever.....and remember, VIVE LA VIE BOHEME!!!


Jerid is an extremely anal retentive 16 year old/skater/writer located in central Virginia who has an unnatural obsession with RENT. He also has an unhealthy attraction to Dave Matthews and, if he's reading this, PLEASE DROP HIM A LINE!!!

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