April 2000

Matt B, 18, from Massachusetts

I never promised you a happy ending

You never said you won't make me cry

But, summer love will keep us warm long after

Autumn goodbye, Autumn goodbye, Autumn goodbye

-Autumn Goodbye, Britney Spears


You've got the best of me

But, I just keep on coming back


Oh why did you have to run your game on me

I should've known right from the start

You go and break my heart

-Heartbreaker, Mariah Carey

Isn't love a bitch? Yup! That's right my heart has been broken. Me and my ex-boyfriend called it quits about a week or two ago. I can't even remember the date. I guess it was a mutual thing...of course in some ways it wasn't. See, I moved to Minnesota to live with my boyfriend/fiance in January. Everything was fine before that, but as soon as I moved Jason started to change. I loved him very much...so much in fact I gave up everything to move in with him...my job, my friends, my family, my happiness all for him because I thought he was going to be my happiness and my future...if only I would have known.

The day I got there I knew I would hate living there, but I wanted to give it a try and I loved Jason so much that I wanted to be with him and I felt guilty about leaving him to live alone by himself with no one. I also figured I would sacrifice my happiness to make him happy because 1) he isn't happy at all with his life and 2) I know he needs someone to be there for him since basically he does everything on his own...you can imagine the guilt I felt about telling Jason I wanted to leave.

So, I decided to stay and at the same time I was making myself unhappy and he just got worst. Jason became sick and started having this chemical inbalance thing going on and everytime I tried to talk to him he told me he couldn't understand me because he couldn't concentrate on what I was saying...so, basically if I wanted to tell him how I felt...ain't no way I could.

He told me that school and being on the computer made him forget his problems...so, he would spend all of his time after school on the computer leaving me alone in the other room to feel empty and depressed. I wanted to help him and understand him, but he would never open up to me so, it's not like I could. Which made me feel worse because I saw how unhappy he was. It made me cry.

So, basically we started drifting apart and I started questioning my own self-worth as a human being and if I should even bother living if I can't make my boyfriend happy. I just got so emotional and all my emotions were running wild. I felt guilt, anger, sadness, pain, ashamed, you name it I felt it.

I knew in my head that he had problems and he needed space to be alone, but my heart said otherwise. I felt like he ripped my heart out and stepped on it. All I wanted for him to do was just be in the same room with me that's it. Sleep in the same bed, talk to me for a second, anything...but, he didn't. I just wanted him to be happy and if that meant me not being happy I could deal with that...that's why I stayed so long with him...for 2 months there. But, I started to realize I couldn't help him and I'm making myself worse.

What good is having a suicidal depressed boyfriend around who can't even make you smile or laugh? I used to make everyone laugh or smile and I couldn't make him. I had so many questions goin through my brain and then, I finally started asking him. I asked him if he loved me and he said he didn't know...which at the moment I felt like someone shot my heart out...I loved him soooooo much I would sell my soul for him and take a bullet for him...and he didn't know if he felt the same.

I told him I deserve someone who loves me as much as I do them and that does he have any feelings for me at all. He couldn't answer. I mean I know he has a chemical inbalance, but I just wanted him to speak from his heart. What his heart felt and if he was honest and told me he doesn't want me around I would leave...no problem. I'd do anything he asked me to. And in some ways I still would. I mean why did he want me around? Why did he ask me to move in with him? Did he love me?

These are all questions I asked myself and I wanted answers to and he is the only one who could've answered them, but even he didn't know the answers which made me more depressed. I knew then that I wasn't first in his life like he was for me. I proved that time and time again. I knew it was over. I guess I just didn't want to admit it. I tried making myself look for the positives and remember how much people care for me, but the only one person I want to care for me...doesn't even know.

I loved him more than everyone in my life combined. I used to wish at night that God would take his pain away and put it on me. I wished he would be happy and if that meant me not being happy I didn't care. I was totally in love with him. And maybe I kind of am now, but I know the pain is hurting less and less.

I think moving back home was the best decision for the both of us. I couldn't stay there and watch him sink deeper away from me. It would just be too hard. I mean the week before I left it was the worst. I told him I was leaving in 2 weeks and that I would send his jacket he left at my mom's house to him and that he could have the stuff I bought for the apartment...I didn't care and I know he likes it anyways.

One night he asked me for a massage and after a few minutes I had to stop because I knew that I would want there to be more, but he said that was ok. I wanted to be with him so bad that we ended up naked and after that he left and went in the next room on the computer. At this same time we were I guess broken up. And I was still living there and I didn't know anything about where I was living. I couldn't even tell you where we were on a map. I would ask him for directions and sometimes he would snap at me for not knowing where things were.

I mean I was in a unknown state and I didn't know anything that wasn't on the bus line. And even that was limited. So, the next day he tells me that he wants to go out with this kid he knows on the computer or something and he asks me if he can go...I told him I guess because what was I supposed to say NO! I want you here or go ahead I'll wait here and wait for you to come home from some bar with another guy and we can have a chat about it when you get home.

Now, if he was a friend...I think he should've asked if I could go because a) It's common decency to ask if someone who is living with you even though you are broken up and you know who doesn't know anything about the city to go because you want to spare their feelings...I know that if I were him...no question I would have asked if he could go because I was leaving soon and I would be left alone in the apartment. And if it was a bar for over 21 or something then, I didn't mind if he went by himself because I can't go there because I'm 18...I'll be 19 in April.

But, that's not how it was at all. I asked him if it was a date and he said he doesn't know...now we just had sex last night and I was leaving in about 2 weeks and he couldn't wait to start dating especially if I'm living there at his place...now this pissed me off. I didn't tell him that, but I would never say that it might be a date to someone who was living in my apartment who happens to still love me and who knows that it would break their heart to see them out with another guy.

My mom would have slapped me til I had commom decency and respected that person's feelings. He saw how I couldn't look at him when he left...what did he think, I was going to be happy...pat him on the back and say "Good job landing someone while I'm still around". As soon as he left I called my best friend and asked her what I should do...I emailed people and they all agreed I was in the right to be pissed. I mean yes, I said I guess he could go, but after I said that I asked him if it was a date and he said he didn't know and then he asked me to make sure he was up to go out.

Hell, why not go one farther...I should've helped him get dressed and brushed his teeth. I wanted to trash that apartment and punch him in the face. The only thing I did was burn all of our letters and my pics of me and him. I couldn't burn all of them because the smoke detector would have went off so, I ripped the rest up. And I broke an alarm clock. After about a few hours I started not to care. I let go of my anger and just told myself that it's over and not to worry about this.

I knew then I had to leave sooner. My sister made me leave that next day so, I called up the airlines, the shuttle bus to the airport, a taxi cab and made sure I left before I really got angry or did something I would have regretted. I left half of my stuff and let him keep the stuff I bought there. I forgave him and let him know I would miss him and I dont hate him or wish him harm.

In fact I wish him all the happiness in the world and that his next boyfriend could make him happier than I did because I still think of him as the boy I fell in love with before this all happened. He deserves happiness and someone who can love him and understand him. I still want to be his friend and even though sometimes I was angry at him...I come back to my senses and realize that he has problems he needs to work out alone and that I can't change him...no matter how hard I try. I still love him and get depressed because I miss him so much. Sometimes it just gets too overwhelming, but my friends and family help me through this.

It's really hard to love someone and know they don't feel the same way. I think I'm stronger now than I was before and I take this as a learning experience. I don't regret anytime I spent with Jason. I admit that it is partly my fault too. I take my responsibilties. I guess I should have told him right away how I felt about moving and I should have told him how much his isolation hurt me, but I didn't want to put more stress on him. It's funny, but now after all this heartache and pain I felt...I know how strong I am and that I'm a better person for not giving into my anger.

I know I have a big heart and that someday someone will love me as much if not more than I do them. I'm not giving up on love and if I get my heartbroken a thousand times...it's worth it to know that I care for people. If Jason should read this...I want him to know he is such a strong boy and that even though things didn't work out...he'll find someone who understands him someday. I don't hate him...I don't think I can hate anyone. Everyone makes mistakes and learning from your mistakes makes you stronger. I know I have made my share so, who am I to judge people. Anyways, thanks for reading this rant about my love life...I hope yours is better than my is right now.



PS. Never lower your standards for anyone and know you can't change anyone who doesn't want to change. Feeling guilt over someone isn't healthy for you or them. You'll know when you meet the right person and what does not kill you makes you stronger. Life's to short to feel sorry for yourself. You should stand up and take care of yourself. Love is a compromise. And even though you feel like you mean nothing to a lot of people...meaning something to just one makes it count. And we all mean something to someone.

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