May 2000

OK, I haven't written in a few months and I feel guilty. But to tell you the truth, I have been too depressed to. And to top it off, I am busy with school and my new job.

Well, anyway, ever since my on-line b/f and I broke up because I thought he was a pedophile because he sent me a Web address for a "boy-lover" page with naked boys or little boys in tight underwear or wet underwear. He said that's normal for teens and dumped me saying I am sick for being attracted to adult men. Maybe it's me but a mature body… is better than a child's undeveloped one.

Oh, I am also sick for having fantasies of myself at the age of around 20 with a b/f of the same… and I am disgusting for liking bondage which he helped introduce to me to… so I guess I am a sick person or something. *LOL* Hmm…

The friend who I had a crush on for years and recently discovered to be gay still won't go out with me, which sucks. Hell, we really aren't even friends… yeah, I finally admitted to myself that he's a really big ass and cares about himself and I don't need more self absorbed people in my life. But he is a really cuteass asshole! Don't want him to know that though, his head's fat enough. He's the type who will (and I know because he's done it) ditch you in the mall to hang with someone who's more "popular."

Oh well, I was popular once and I know what kind of friends they are (or aren't, perhaps, is the word for it) so he's fit for them. Why does it seem everybody has a b/f but me? I really really need a romantic LOVING boyfriend right now, but I’ll quit the whining. I recently have come accustomed to watching Will & Grace and I really like the show although they often get carried away with gay jokes. It's still realistic enough to ease the loneliness.

Well, that's about all I have to say. I'll try and keep writing, especially if I have something to share but until then, take care. Oh and I have to say this because I have heard so many stories lately… SUICIDE IS STUPID AND IS NOT THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so saddened to hear about all the gay teens especially who hate themselves and feel so trapped to take their own lives, because it will get better in the end, just have hope and have faith


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