June 2000

"Ignis Fatuus"

"MORPHEUS: It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

NEO: What truth?

MORPHEUS: That you are a slave, Neo. That you, like everyone else, was born into bondage... kept inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself."

-The Matrix

A couple of months ago, like maybe three, my sister, almost 25, told me that she had an abortion when she was 17. She told me her deep secret and yet I still can't bring myself to tell her I like men. Not that I don't think that she suspects... I'm sure she does.

When my best friend Mike came out last December to us all, my sister, let's call her Diana, took it especially hard. For years she had defended Mike, insisting that though he was feminine, that alone didn't make him gay. Since Mike had been telling us all for years and years that he was straight, Diana believed him and stood firm against those who made disparaging remarks about him. Diana is also a very religious and spiritual girl, finding faith in the past few years. That faith has also made Mike being gay a jagged pill to swallow.

She has often asked me, am I gay? And every time I insist NO. After she over the shock of Mike's fagginess, she made me promise something: "Never come out to me." I laughed at her and said: "Don't worry, I'll never come out to you..." playing it off as a joke, all the while hiding behind the wall... allowing Diana to delude herself into believing that I prefer a vagina over a penis...

That's what this month is about for me. Delusion. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and I'll be straight. That my mom will never find out. That even if I told everyone, that nothing would change. These simple delusions keep my world going. These little lies keep the planets in their orbits and the stars fixed in the firmament.

And the delusions get bigger as I go on. Maybe God isn't really specific on the sin factor of homosexuality. Maybe everything will be all right in the end. Maybe dogs do have wings.....

Well enough of this pseudo-tirade, I wish, I truly do, that I could tell my sister my secret, as she has shared hers, but I can't. It hurts me to much, and I know it would hurt her a lot, as well... Perhaps someday, but not today.

* * *

On a lighter, more easygoing note, I wanted to share w/ ya'll out there a few books that I feel every gay youth, especially young gay men, should read. They really spoke to me, and remain some of my favorites, ones I have made other friends read, and they have all enjoyed. Just a couple of titles, plus a bonus at the end...

1) "Lawnboy" by Paul Lisicky. A must read!!! Its all about a young gay male in Florida.. sounds familiar...

2) "Burning Girl" by Ben Neihart. A great little book, a gay love/ thriller that you won't be able to put down.

3) "The Church of Dead Girls" by Stephen Dobyns. A masterful novel of supreme power. A first rate literary thriller, which explores aspects of small town life and homosexuality.

4) "Allan Stein" by Matthew Stadler. Literary fiction for faggots. Beautiful writing. I would also recommend "The Sex Offender" and "The Dissolution of Nicholas Dee" by the same author (though those two are both out of print, so you'd have to search a used book store; I found a copy of Dee in a little shop in Key West).

5) "Guide" by Dennis Cooper. SICK SICK SICK. Twisted. Creepy as hell and yet brilliant. His books explore the sick and twisted part of gay youth. "Guide" is a must read; his others are also worth it if you "like?" this one.

6) The BONUS Book: "A Density of Souls" by Christopher Rice, Anne Rice's son. The reason I call this a bonus book is because it isn't available until August of 2000 in hardcover. I read a promo copy a few weeks ago and thought it was fabulous. It explores gay youth in high school and how 4 friends cope through one of them coming out. Murder and mayhem are also thrown in there for fun...

Well now, have a good month kiddies... see you in July.....

Elliot, 22 (23 in September), is a freak-of nature living a sub-normal existence in the dreary college/rich-bitch town of Boca Raton, Florida. Anyone interested in rescuing him from his tepid, banal existence may contact him at kalelliot@hotmail.com. Likewise, anyone interested in perking up his pedestrian, bromidic lifestyle with a simple hello may contact him at the aforementioned electronic address.

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