June 2000

Happy Mothers Day! As I sit here and type this article, my family is downstairs finishing up dinner. My family is so lame when it comes to holidays. I'm sure you guys can relate with me.

Anyway, today is Mother's Day. A day in which all mothers should be recognized and applauded for their efforts, courage, love, and constant support shown throughout the years. It's one of my dreams to have a mother like that. I live in this little "Brady Bunch" fantasy world where I think my mother should resemble Mrs. Brady. She's not even close.

My grandparents actually raised me. I remember mentioning this in other articles yet I think it's important to repeat. I always knew my mother; we were somewhat close, I suppose. I would live with her sometimes and my grandparents other times. My mom has the WORST taste in men. Maybe that's where I get it? They were usually abusive or alcoholics, so given that, I would always want my pap or mam ma (My grandparents)! My mom resented me for this, I think. My mom and I never had a bonding time. She and my younger brother were close, and I was the outcast, I guess. It was a rather unfortunate and a depressing time for me.

As I grew older, and I came to wrestle with these sexuality issues. I confronted many problems. My grandparents are very religious people. My grandfather teaches Sunday school, they go to church Weds/Sunday nights. My mother however was always the rebel in the family. She liked black men (in my family that's rebellious), she had gay friends, and she seemed to accept it all. I considered her to be a very diverse person, more so than my pap and mam ma. When I decided to come out, I thought she would understand. In a lot of ways, I thought and hoped it might bring us closer. I always dreamed of having this relationship with my mother. I looked and still do find myself looking at other kids with complete jealousy.

I was also fearful that my grandparents might disown me. Without them, I lost everything that I knew "concrete". They were always there for me, in every way imaginable. Once again, it was scary!! I know we've all been there!

Anyway, when I came out, I was totally surprised. My grandparents were so open-minded and supportive. They still are to this day. They accept their grandson as a homosexual person. It makes me smile because they mean the most to me. My mother however, acted very negatively about my sexuality. In fact, she told me that she never would accept it and that it's wrong and a sin (this coming from a woman who has been married twice and screwed countless more)! I was so upset about this. I thought because she had gay friends, because she was open-minded and tolerant towards, she too might see my pain. It still boggles my mind as I sit her and think about it. Uckk!

Well, today at our little family gathering, my mother asked me if I got her something. My brother of course did some flowers or something. But me, her homosexual son, didn't get her anything (not even a card). I had the money, I have a car, and I had all other means necessary to get her something. Yet, I decided that she DIDN'T deserve anything. Every other Mother's Day, I would get her something, attach a FAKE fabricated loving card and give it to her. This year was different though; I've grown a lot since last year. I've met new people, I've become more comfortable, and I realized my true family. My grandparents will forever me in my heart. I cannot express the amount of appreciation and just TOTAL love I have for them. They've given me everything, which I need to mature and grow. During those dark days, the times in which I was most vulnerable and depressed, she (my mother) showed me nothing. She showed me no love, no compassion, not even a hug.

When my grandparents leave this world, I cannot imagine coming home to her. I WON'T come home unless things change. My mother has already told me that she would rather let our relationship deteriorate to nothing, than except the fact that her son is gay. Isn't that sick? My mother thinks I'm some freak, some sin. No matter what I achieve, no matter where I go in this world, she'll never fully accept me. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me. I am a human being, who is gay. God made me this way. It's frustrating for me though, knowing that she will never see that. She will never know her son. I think my mother knows it, deep down. We talk less and less. I definitely don't invest in her anymore. How I would just LOVE to just lay on my bed and talk about boys and have deep conversations with her. Just to feel that unique bond between a mother and son would be worth so much. I want that ideal relationship; maybe I want it too much.

The reason I wrote this article was because I wanted to give you a message. The message being, for all you people out there who have supportive mothers, mothers that are there through thick and thin, please appreciate them (for me at least). Give them a hug and kiss just because they're there. You are in an envious position, guys and gals! You are too lucky! I applaud you and your mother both!

However, for people like me, know that you are stronger, and that you deserve applause for the amount of strength and courage you possess. The human spirit is a powerful thing, and it will get through everything. My spirit has been tested yet I know, given our relationship, I will STILL survive. You will too! I know it's depressing and so unfair, yet hey, that's life. But always keep in mind, that I *gary* appreciate you and your courage. You are the best! ~xoxox~

As for graduation, I graduate the ninth of June. It's very scary yet also extremely exciting. I'm going to Temple (far away from my little town)! But I know, that my little town will ALWAYS be a part of me. This little rural area has been kind to me. I've made the bestest friends! They're so important and vital to me surviving the daily obstacles. As I walk onto stage, and snatch my diploma, I will think about all the other homosexual teenagers who are graduating. The ones who have overcame all the obstacles and reached their ultimate goal. Living as a openly gay student in a small "hickish" rural area, has had its downsides. But I'll NEVER forget all the good things that my high school career has provided me with.

I congratulate everyone who is graduating this year. It's a job well done, I'm sure. I also however, congratulate those who have another year or two. Please stay strong, know that there is love out there, and that it's up to you to help yourself. God Bless and once again. Congratulations! Your Pennsylvania pal! =) ~xoxoxoxxo~


PS -- I love email shamrain@hotmail.com

AOL IM me too Tobii99

Thanks a lot! hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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