June 2000

Dreams of Her

Thank God for daydreams. They are what sustain me right now. The girl I like right now is dating someone else, very happily I might add. They have such a superficial relationship that I can't see it meaning more than sex. The girl I like claims she loves her and that she would do anything for her, but I see the doubt behind the eyes. I fear for the day that this girlfriend of hers hurts her. I fear mostly for the girl because she better watch out. I'll be hunting her down.

But anyway, starting at the top. The girl I like, as I mentioned before, is dating someone else. I was invited to a party two nights ago, and she was the one who came to pick me up. She came to the door wearing a short white shirt and tight shorts. I wanted to just stand and admire her, but I couldn't. My parents had no clue what kind of party I was going to, so I needed to get out of the door before any questions were asked.

I noticed her girlfriend was in the car. I was so jealous when they cuddled and she put her hand on her leg. I wanted to deck the girl for taking it for granted. She joked around with her and playfully put her arm around me, so as to entice her into jealousy. I wanted to freeze that moment in time forever. I felt blissfully happy.

Then we arrived at the party. She danced with her girlfriend, and kissed her. She is absolutely gorgeous and can dance very well. She would put her arms around her and sing. She has a beautiful voice. She gave her Eskimo kisses and put her head on her shoulder while she danced the slow dances. I imagined myself as the one she was dancing with. I would stroke her hair and kiss her on the forehead.

I wanted to scream. It wasn't fair. I was perfect for her and she was perfect for me. Our personalities compliment each other so well. I know that I can make her happy. I want that chance. Forget what I would get out of the relationship. I want the opportunity to give her hugs to make her feel better on the sad days. I want to be able to hold her in the movie theaters when it reaches a scary point in the plot. I want to offer her my jacket when she is cold. I want to bring her flowers and cards. I want to pamper her.

I feel so perfect for her and I want to one day be able to show her that. We like the same music, play the same instrument, have the same religious problems, have the same friends. I wish I could be the one to try to make her happy. What I would give for one day as her girlfriend.

All I have is the hope that one day she'll realize what she doesn't have in her current girlfriend and then I can offer her a shoulder to cry on.

Until then I am waiting on my dream. It is hard waiting, but I must be patient for my chance. I imagine my life in the future, and she is there with me. It is my version of the American Dream to one day ask her to live with me forever.

I hope this doesn't sound like a sick infatuation because I can and will say this right now. I love her very much. Though she breaks my heart again and again because she is unaware, I still love her. I'll always love her because she is a part of who I am now and always will be. She is the second person I came out to. She will always be special. And, I look forward to the day when I can tell her exactly how I feel.

I will admit this girl is not perfect. No one ever is. She smokes, but I love her anyway. That is a sign of true love, right? Being able to love someone even with their faults? This is love, right? Or is this just my dream that will always remain my own figment of reality and nothing more?



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