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MrPostman

June 2000

HOW TO RUN A CARBON COPY SCHOOL

By MrPostman

The following is a paper I wrote for my English 4 class. I figured it was appropriate to share with you, my peers, since I'm sure that many of you have, as have I, been associated to some stereotypes. It's supposed to be satirical, so don't take me seriously. I hope you enjoy it, and as the school year ends, I hope you're relieved. Without further delay, here is...

HOW TO RUN A CARBON COPY SCHOOL

If you look around your school, there's a basic breakdown of people and rules that go along on how you relate with them. There are the preps, the basic beautiful people. Unless they talk to you first, don't bother them. There's the coffee kids, the artistically inclined, and the boundary pushers. Don't make any sudden movements. There's the cowboys, but in reality, the closest they have come to a cow is at McDonalds. There's the jocks. There's the nerds. All of these cliques overlap and get along with each other in different ways. This complicated social system is not beneficial though. It could be the downfall of our public education system, but I know that we can save our schools.

The problems that spring up because of stereotypes and cliques are present all around us. If the truth is told, all school violence is caused by someone's judgment of someone else. Jock is offended by the incredible coolness of Geek's pocket-protector, so Geek gets his pocket-protector shoved in a dark place - up his own nose. Even teachers join in on the judgment of others. We all know that the worthwhile grades are handed out to the brown-nosers. Face it. Your grade is predestined by the crowd that you hang out with. Punishments are flung out to the unpopular, but usually the preps, especially the jocks, can get away with quite a bit.

The formation of cliques also causes quite a problem. Who doesn't have trouble getting through the front doors of the school or to their own locker? People seem to crowd in these areas. Upon close examination, we discover that the hipster guys block the school entrance and the stoners inhabit the locker pit. When it comes down to it, cliques even influence what you eat for lunch. The all to health conscience cheerleaders will only eat the salad at lunch. This causes an unnecessary amount of pizza to be left over and to be reheated the next day. You wonder why you get stuck with the gross pizza? It's because of cliques. If you really stop to think about it, at the root of all our school's problems are cliques and your own stereotypes.

In all humility, I offer you the end-all solution. Others have come close in discussion of school uniforms, but I suggest we take it a step further. All students, upon enrollment, should be scheduled for plastic reconstructive surgery of their face. The entire school will receive matching faces and hair will be dyed. The students will be reassigned a number, and their individual name will be discarded. This will prohibit stereotyping on the basis of appearance or name. People of lower IQ often are labeled as retards, so all students will be given the exact same schedule and given the same grade. In fact, grades could be discontinued, since all students are the same we don't need to measure them against each other.

Some researchers believe that environment influences personality, so in order to ensure that no-one is stereotyped as a having a certain personality, home life will be on a rotating basis. One week I'm with my parents, but the rest of the school year, I'm with everyone else's parents. This provides that everyone in the school experience the exact same things that everyone else in the school does. We won't be able to say, "Well, he's a stoner because his parents let him," or "He's a jock because his dad played football." So did everyone else's parents.

We can also extend this to school activities and sports. All students will rotate in and out of the Art Club, football, P.R.I.D.E., and all other school functions. This would make sure no one is stereotyped because they don't play a sport or participate in a club. The students' numbers would provide a mathematical way to determine who's in what organization what week.

Numbers would also provide an easy way to set up friendships and even guy/girl relationships. Oftentimes individuals won't associate with another person just because they are supposed to be sworn enemies according to the school hierarchy. In tradition, the star quarterback is supposed to date the head cheerleader. Now that these stereotypes will not exist, people will date the person with the corresponding number. This will rid high school of the often unnecessary emotional stress.

Without some creative ingenuity, this task would be nearly impossible though. The largest initial roadblock would be the cost of hiring medical personnel to perform the complicated plastic surgery. Every school would need a medical staff always on call to keep up with the inflow of new students. Kindergarten enrollment would be particularly busy. The price obstacle is not impossible to overcome. My proposal is that the school increase the salary of lunch staff and provide additional training. The lunch staff already has plenty of experience hacking up meat, and this would be a cheaper alternate to hiring professionals.

This proposal would solve a number of problems. Arguments and fights caused by clashing cliques would end. Students simply would not have anything to disagree on anymore. Grades would no longer be unfair since teachers wouldn't be able to favor the now extinct "teacher's pet." The rotating homes would provide more diversity education for students and they would be able to better relate to their school mates.

It is also possible that this would also vastly improve school spirit. Each school has their own matching faces. Each school would hold a certain pride for their appearance. Not to mention, the cost of sports would be cheaper considering that you would save money on uniforms. Fans would be able to tell which team a person was on just by the matching faces. Not to mention, the surgery would encourage people to stay in one school district longer. People would be less likely to move so they don't have to go through the facial reconstruction procedure more than necessary. Overall, it would encourage camaraderie among the student body.

Even as school officials argue about school problems and the solutions, I believe that I have already found the answer. If we want to rid our schools of violence, favoritism, crowding, and the countless other problems they face, we need to get the lunch ladies out of the kitchen and start implementing this program. By using the medical miracle of plastic surgery to give our entire student population a matching face and thus ending stereotypes, we can change the world.


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