June 2000

My GOD does this town suck. And I know it won't get any better unless I let it, but how do I let such a thing happen? I don't know. My life is just one big crazy X you get through the paper when you've done the essay wrong. Actually it isn't so bad, you see I finally have someone. I'm finally happy. After all of these months of moping around, wondering if I'll ever find the one...I did it.

Me of all people. ME.

It wasn't too easy, see being gay around here. It's a no no, this town just eats you alive if you are any different in any way. I know you all are saying, well "It's like that in any town". That MAY be the case, but in this town the negative energy that comes from people.....oh god.

And to think the only way I'm really coming out in this town is because I've told the wrong people who've told the wrong people and so on. Not to smart eh? I guess it wasn't any smarter to tell the uncle (who's gay) of the my old CRUSH (who turns out to be bi in the end) that I had a crush on him. And confronting my crush with it a couple weeks later wasn't easy at all. Although I must say he's cool with it. I did lose my trusting of my best friend Jamie, who happened to be "With Matt" in the horizontal sense (you get that right?) My life is a mess eh?

And then today, at work I was questioning my sexuality wondering why I couldn't just give it up and get with a nice girl, and build a nice loving relationship and someday have her come home with me for dinner and have my mom say "She's a lovely young girl" and ask her what she does and to pass the potatoes. Someday have a family, and a white fence and a young little boy/girl who wonders why all of daddy's old friends are girls. What a shock on a little boy/girl eh? I kept thinking, what if it's just a fade what if it's not true what if everything I've been feeling for Cliff was false. And that someday I'll end up hurting him (which I didn't want to do) and then I finally came up with the decision.

I'm GAY.

That's all there is too it. Otherwise I wouldn't have done and wouldn't be doing some of the stuff I have (boy could I fill space with that), if I didn't care for him the way I do. And I hope to god that someday me and him can grow old together, he already knows how I feel. And now you do.

What's wrong with me?!?!?!? (Bangs head on keyboard)



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