June 2000

Hey all. Thought I disappeared forever? Trying to actually. But nevermind that, I'm back. This month anyway. Sorry for the absence, I just decided to try and be selfish for a little while, which didn't work out. Then between noticing the declining articles in Oasis and a few issues I have with myself, I decided to come back again. I don't know how many people read this. Honestly, I don't assume many do. Which is part of the reason I was gone. Like you care.

I have a bad habit. A real bad habit, I wasn't prepping you for something cute like, 'My bad habit is I can't stop loving! Squeak squeak! giggle giggle!'. I try to get as much love as I can. Which usually ends up being emotionally loved. Which usually is done via internet, which usually makes me feel damn shitty. When someone you've never met, seen, or actually spoken to you in person dumps you, you, I don't regard myself to highly.

Which puts me in the depression spiral, which gives me my poetry. You know what they say. Great pain equals great art. Or something to that effect. I'm pretty sure I put myself through this. And I don't entirely mind either. I just want to know why I do this. The real reason. The reason behind the reason. Like you care.

Something else bugging me, getting back to Oasis, is this: how many of you readers are in your teens? How many of you are well passed 25? How many of you are obvious? Sorry, this will create some dissension amongst the ranks, but I just don't like flamboyant people. I can't show any kind of positive emotion to people that live up to the stereotypes created for them. I don't even mind the 'gay' comments anymore. Hell, I sometimes use them. What can I say, I've grown comfortable in my misery. Like you care. Once again, getting back to me(the one I'm sure you all care about)(yea right), I've noticed how so many people have psychologists and psychiatrists, when I don't. And of course I feel that I'm the only that deserves one. I have my reasons. When I remember them maybe I'll share them with you. If you care.

Last thing on this agenda I'm sure has in some way pissed you off: suicide. I bring it up. They say, I don't feel sorry at all for people who do it. I say fuck you. Well, I'm passionate about the subject.

Mostly people who say that about suicide are the ones that have never been pushed far enough to come close to it, or actually try it. Don't run out and commit suicide now. I don't abdicate it. I just understand why tormented people do it. So there's my philosophy on suicide. Like you care.

I'll probably be back next month, with some other things. I'll have calmed down by then. Probably. To show you care, email me, I know I sound like an asshole know, but I picked a bad time to write this, with my attitude right now. So don't hold it against me. But please, if you have a comment, no matter how small it is, prove that you did read this, and email me.




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