June 2000


"I can't help that I like to be kissed
And I wouldn't mind if my name changed to Mrs.
This is one side, my conventional side
An attraction to tradition
My vintage disposition
My sincere architecture
And I want to cook him dinner
But I'm more indecisive than ever
And who believes in forever?

Who will be the one to marry me?

A girl [in my case a boy] in the world barking up the wrong tree
A creature conditioned to employ matrimony
Crumbling continuity, I pick up the pieces
The ceremony makes me zealous
As the past quickly ceases
Fear from being neutered
I'm now prude, now defensive
Quickly I'm altered and tempted by new love only rented...."

Well that's the start of describing how I feel. The rest can be summed up as: cold/frigid, confused (somewhat already stated), afraid of hurting those that care about me- especially the one I care most for, etc... This article, as you may have guessed from the lyrics above, is about marriage, not specifically gay marriage, but specifically my marriage.

Confused yet? Well, with me being a fag, Most would assume this would be about gay marriage, but my ATTRACTION TO TRADITION says otherwise. I recently have been indulging in my loneliness and decided that one day I not only want, but need to get married. Gee, Tucker that sounds rather-- stupid, I mean you are only sixteen! But I need stability in my life and I need to know someone is there for me. I, being solitary, while at the same time needing companionship, have come to grasp the fact that there is no way I can make the horrendous journey of life without someone there to pick up the pieces which I crumble into at the mere onset of trouble. I have come to realize the depth of the phrase "Love is Blind" for I think it is extremely possible that I could marry a female, although the sex would end up being non-existent, it would provide the true things that marriage is about- love, trust, and of course companionship.

Although, as it stands I will be marrying a male in the distant future. He is everything I want, and everything I need, and as far as I know he feels the same about me (actually I pretty much KNOW he feels the same). But of course I am not fortunate enough to have the person I care about live near me, he has to live in the state above me, and of course my parents love to travel, but only to there chosen destinations so I never get to see him. Damn this article is turning into a frigging dear abby instead of an article on marriage! I suppose I better get back to writing this P.O.S. article and forget my personal obstacles. OK, back to my attraction to tradition- one more reason I cannot see myself as not being married is I have this intense need to be like the normal picture perfect family, how the hell I am going to work a husband into this picture instead of a wife is beyond me. If this thing with Mr.- well we'll call him "Jonathan" for now, does not work out I would even take it as far as marrying a female, and I already know who this girl is and already care enough about her to spend the rest of my life with her as a husband (except the sex- that's just caca). I just cannot believe that after everything I have come through to get where I am in my life as a gay person, that I would just throw it out the window and dedicate my life to a female. Why do I want so much to be like everyone else? I mean that last statement in itself is just stupid for no-one is normal, and blah blah blah.

Sorry to all of you who are wasting your time reading this rambling but I just cannot work through this in my head it is easier for me to do in writing. But to continue- If I have this urge to be like everyone else, why do I deliberately do things to make myself different- i.e. dressing the way I do, standing up for things I believe in that are just off the wall but make sense in my screwed up little mind, and above all- coming out to my family and friends? If my life once again crumbles to the ground AGAIN, who can I blame other than myself? I sometimes think that subconsciously I deliberately fuck my life up just for the hell of it. I mean, why else would I be falling in --I hate this word-- Love, if in the end it may make me miserable because it is not the life I want? No offense to "Jonathan" but why am I putting myself in the position to hurt myself or some one VERY dear to me if I am just gonna want to end it when I get there? Jonathan means everything to me, I would have been crying myself to sleep so many more nights if it had not been for his kind/loving/and sometimes eccentric (no offense "Jonathan") words, he has given me courage, self respect (well, we're working on that one), self esteem (we got a long way to go on that one too), and of course wisdom. He has done so much for me and I want to do so much for him, but am I going to be able to follow through with these feelings, or is it just gonna be one more thing I decide I hate and want out of?

If you haven't noticed, I am a pessimist through and through, and I don't think that can ever change. And in the end I think that is what is going to ruin my life. Well, this article is turning into a combination of my personal eccentricities mixed with a little honesty with a tinge of stupidity thrown in for.... flavor; oh, and I can't forget just plain old mindless meanderings- so I will shut the hell up and stop typing before I get even further from the topic line, which is someplace waaaaaaay over there ---------------------------------------------------->

"...Do you believe you'll marry me You might be the one to marry me
Back, looking back, looking back at me
I'm not how I used to be
Take me back, take me back into history
Diamond ring, tie me down just like it used to be
Who will be the one to marry me?
Who will be the one to marry me?"
No Doubt -Return of Saturn: Marry Me


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