July 2000

Hi everyone, since this is my first time writing a column I'll start by telling you a little bit about me. I'm five foot seven and have dirty blonde hair and brown eyes, and I live with my dad on a large condo development near a college town in the Eastern US. My dad met my Mom in Europe when he was in the military and they married right before he left the service and moved to the US, and from the beginning she hated it here. I came around a year later, and about two weeks after I was born my Mom decided that she couldn't handle living here or being a Mom and she wrote my dad a long letter and went back to Europe. My dad tried for a long time to get her to come back but she just divorced him and then gave up her parental rights to me. I've only seen pictures of her but I've never had any real contact with her. I guess I'm like a kid a Mom gives up for adoption and just wants to forget about.

My dad moved back in with his parents while he went to college, and since then him and I have moved several times while he went to grad school, and then we moved a little less than a year ago here where he took a job as a college professor.

I've been doing things for myself for as long as I can remember, but I don't know if it's really all that bad. I mean you have to learn how to cook and clean and do laundry, so I just learned to do it a lot sooner than most guys probably do. I doubt any of my friends could boil water, much less cook dinner like I often do. I really have no idea what a mom's like because my dad hasn't dated anyone seriously in a long time, because as he puts it "the first time was enough." My dad rarely says anything nice about my Mom but he always calls me the best thing that's ever happened to him. I'm not so sure he'd feel that way if he knew the truth about me?

I started puberty right after my eleventh birthday, and I developed kind of fast, but I never really had any interest in sex, and especially not girls. It was just annoying to me when I'd get hard and all horny, and all the mornings I woke up with wet undies were the worst! I didn't even know I was having wet dreams because I hadn't had sex ed yet and I was way too embarrassed to tell my dad I was wetting the bed!

Right before we moved here a girl that had a big crush on me had me come over to her house when here parents weren't home and she stripped for me and had me lick her down there as a going away present. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever done, and I actually got sick over it. I just had no idea why it was gross to me, because I think most of the other guys would have loved it. The thought of being gay didn't cross my mind either.

We moved here a few weeks before school started for me and it was the loneliest time in my life. I didn't know anyone here, and unlike all the other times I moved, I didn't have school to deal with. Instead of me going to public school my dad had me go to this experimental private school, which I really love. We don't have to wear uniforms unlike all the other schools I went to, and every student gets to use a laptop computer that they can take home. It's a looser environment but it's so much better than any school I've ever gone to.

On the first day of school the principal had a guy in my grade named Justin show me around, and we just immediately became friends. He's a goofy person in school but outside of it he's real quiet, a lot like how I am. He also has his own uniform that he wears everyday year round, no matter what: Shorts, untied shoes with short socks, and a tank top with an open and unbuttoned long sleeve shirt over it. I've never seen him in long pants as long as I've known him and I don't think he even has a pair of pants!

Justin lives in the same condo development as me so we started hanging out together and after a while we just became best friends. His mom's a nurse in a hospital, and between the long commute and all the hours she works, she's not home that much. Justin's a lot like me because he has to do the housework and stuff, but he does a really good job at it. I guess he had no choice really, like me.

Justin can be a real outgoing kind of guy, and he can get real affectionate, which I guess should have been a clue to me that he's gay but I just never thought about it. I mean my dad's affectionate with me, and he's not gay so why would I worry about it? One of the first times I was over at his house we were sitting on the couch watching TV after school and he put his arm around me and it just felt great, it's something my dad and I do all the time together, but I'd never done that with a friend before.

After that, he started doing other things to me like giving me shoulder rubs, which he told me he did to his Mom after she came home from work, and he's really good at it. I think the first time I started getting the idea I was gay was when he asked me to rub his shoulders and as soon as he took his shirt off I just felt a rush of excitement. And I got hard. I'd never really looked at another guy shirtless that long before like that, and I liked what I saw, plus touching him felt great to me.

A few months after we met we were out riding our bikes and got caught in a rainstorm and instead of us going to our own condos we went to Justin's because it was closer. When we were getting out of our wet clothes in his bedroom and drying off we weren't facing each other, and Justin out of the blue just asked me to turn around. I did and it was the first time I really had seen another guy my age naked. He was hard and I got hard, and then he told me I should do something about it and I was just totally lost. I'd heard guys talk about jacking before but I had never tried it, and I think it's because when I was cut as a baby too much skin was taken off, so when I got hard there was no loose skin to move.

When I asked him what he meant he couldn't believe I didn't know what jacking was so he showed me on himself what to do but it just hurt when I tried, so he just told me to close my eyes and the next thing I knew he put mine in his mouth. It just felt incredible, and I had my first orgasm. I think that's when I knew I liked guys for sure. Well, at least I was into Justin for sure.

When I got home I just felt really weird about the whole thing, and I took a really long shower. I was freaking out so bad that I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep, thinking oh God please don't let me be gay.

Too late, I knew for sure what I am from then on.



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