July 2000

Friends and Enemies

"When you feel all alone and a loyal friend is hard to find..."

- Crash and Burn; Savage Garden

While I wasn't writing for the past two years, I had time to reflect on what the meaning of friendship is, and what lack of friendship can do to a person. I also had time to learn a lot about trust, and that not everyone is a homophobic psycho ready to harm you in some way.

In the spring of my junior year, I was standing at the point of no return. I was so close to taking that final step. The final step that would mean that all the pain that I was feeling would be gone, and then there would be...what, heaven, hell ..since that is where the bible says that homosexuals go, or would there be nothing?

However, I was saved by my best friend, who saw me writing my suicide note in school one day. She turned me into the guidance office, where I spent pretty much the rest of the day talking to the school psychologist. While I sat there and talked, my best friend and one of my other friends were sitting in the room. When the question was asked why I wanted to kill myself, I listed off a bunch of things, and then one thing that I would have never told anyone came out with everything else, as I barred my soul, "I just couldn't take the homophobic attitude of the people in the school." Now while I am not out at all (at that point), the words that weren't directed at me hurt just as much as if they were. The next question that was asked, "Are you a homosexual?" The terror that filled me at that point, I can't even begin to describe. After a moment of not saying anything, the school psychologist said, "You're not sure." She wasn't asking me, she was telling me. Matt, the other friend that was sitting in on this little 'meeting' said the six words that I needed to hear, "I'm going through the same thing."

After spending most of the day in that office, the three of us were released to go back to class. As we were walking down the hall, my best friend asked me if I was gay. I couldn't answer. I just had too many emotions flying around inside of me, to answer. I told her that I would tell her tomorrow. The first person that I came out to was Matt. He told me what I found out in the guidance office the previous day, that he is gay! Then I told my best friend later that day, and she was cool about it.

Moving on, a couple of months ago, my best friend sent me an email saying that this girl who has been lusting after me for the past five years knows. I could feel my world, which I some how managed to rebuild, started to come tumbling down. Somehow, she just figured it out.

Last week was the first time that this girl and myself actually talked about this. It turns out that her sister is gay, as well as her uncle. I have been friends with her older brother almost all my life, and since I haven't seen him since he left for college, I don't know if we are still friends or what. His sister told me that he is ok with it, but there is always that little voice of doubt in the back of your mind that tells you different.

By now, you are wondering where I am going with this. There are people in this world who will like you for you, irregardless of whether you are gay or straight. These two people taught me that trust is something that should be cherished.

Now, I am not advocating that everyone should come out of the closet, because that would make me a hypocrite since I am still in the closet to all but a few close friends. What I am saying is that if you have known a person long enough, and you know who they really are, then IF you decide to tell them, more power to you.

I know that I am a bit rusty since I haven't written in so long, so please try to forgive my rambling. I would love to hear questions, comments, and your take on things.



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