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Jessie

July 2000

Confusion

Well, life right now is kind of in some huge transitionary period. It is like I am waiting for something to happen. My breath is suspended for something good, bad, or just anything at all. I don't know where I am headed but whatever is supposed to come next I am ready for, I think. I hope. I am still one of the few that are left out of what has been so graciously labeled "the relationship."

The girl I like is still dating the same person. I am just in a period of awaiting my turn at being the object of her affection. She is still oblivious to how I feel about her, but that is understandable because I have made no move to tell her. I don't know if I should, but something tells me that due to my cowardice I won't. I am just not ready for her to know yet. So I really have no room to complain about the way things are because I have made no effort to change them. If she means so much to me then why won't I say anything? I said I loved her and I still do but why am I, one of the most articulate people in the world, silent around her? I guess I need to. Otherwise, I may not get my chance. I may be wondering in six months what could have happened. The thing is, I don't want to break up the relationship she has with her current girlfriend or ruin the existing relationship that I already have with her. I am not the kind of person that enjoys hurting other people. I am so confused.

Anyway, aside from my rather pathetic love life there is not much going on. I continue to hide my sexuality from those I care most about. For their sake I have chosen not to tell them, and for my safety I choose to remain hidden. My parents don't know. The majority of my friends don't know. Not only would they react in a rather negative way with me, but it would emotionally crush them. They would wonder what they did wrong. I couldn't stand that. My parents insult me everyday by joking about homosexuality in front of the whole family at dinner, but they are totally unaware of me. They will make rude comments about some of my extremely open friends and those comments hurt. I sit there and with no expression and eat while my dad bashes my own existence. I can't speak up because my parents read into everything. Purple shirts set them off. My only option is silence until I am ready and they are as well. It kills me that they can't be a part of one of the most important elements in my life, but that is my only choice. Right? Why is life so confusing right now?

Our city had a pride parade on the tenth. I wanted to go so bad, but there wasn't any way that I could get there without my parents asking too many questions, and that would not be very beneficial to my fabrications right now. I saw pictures in the newspaper, and looked at them with jealousy. Yes, I am jealous of those who can openly proclaim their sexuality to the world. There was a picture of a man holding a sign and walking down the street. It read "Then God said let there be Adam and Steve." I was jealous of his freedom. He could say what he wanted to say and not have to worry about what his parents would do to him for being different. I have that worry. There were 3500 people there and what I would have given for the opportunity to be one of those people. The point of the parade was pride, and since I didn't go does that mean that I don't have enough pride to risk everything? I could picture myself walking down the street with a smile and shouting and chanting with my brother's and sister's in lifestyle. I could see myself holding a banner, being on the front page of the newspaper proud of who I am as a lesbian. I would introduce myself to people wearing a pride shirt and not worry about what they would say to me. I would be free to be who I was without the hindrance of my world, but I am not free. I do it for my safety and the assurance of my future in a world that rejects who I am. I know that one day my future will include being able to do all of the things in a parade that I want to do, but the monotonous waiting isn't fun.

I am living in a transition, a point where I know that things are changing. Just around the corner is my freedom, and I just have to stick it out for a little while longer. My life is becoming more liberated every day. For a start, I am able to write this article and tell others what life is like for me in hopes that they won't feel alone. I just can't wait to see what happens next. Good or bad it will be a relief, I hope and pray.

Jessie

BandBanana@aol.com


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