July 2000

C'est la Vie (Always 21)

I'm pretty sure that I was drunk. Maybe I was just depressed. Either way, I was stressed in Carl's room pondering the significance of the big 21st.

What happens? Is it like I get a card that says 'LaTorre Mays is now 21, entitling you to do the hell you want?' Or will my life just magically come together and I get a writing career, boyfriend, and single apartment? What does 21 mean anyway?

Carl felt uneasy with the concept. I felt unnerved by it...partly because of my stress over the pressure of juggling a lot of things...partly because of my frustration over my feeling that part of my stress is something that cannot be changed.

My voice had not felt so full of feeling as I talked to Carl about how the big 21th actually frightened me. I haven't felt like I've done enough in my 21 years. I felt like life was passing me by. I felt like the big 21 was just a remainder that I'm never going to get what I want. I just felt uncertainty.

No future at all actually. Carl tried to be encouraging, but it was no use. I just don't have anything to look forward to. I'm still in the same position and mindset that I've been in for the last eight years: Brooding Loner Writer Guy...just a year older, a lot wiser, and oh, yeah...alone.

I thought being 21 was suppose to be this big event and my life would fall into place. Like a lot of things in my life, I was wrong.

"On sunny days I'm alright

I walk in the light

And I try not to think about

The love I live without."

-Ace of Base "Everytime It Rains"


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